Are You Kidding Me Right Now?!

*I just realized this post was sitting in my 'drafts' folder and hadn't been published yet on the blog... it's old and was actually written several weeks ago; sorry!*


It's a Sunday night. Well, it's THE Sunday night before I leave for my writer's conference in North Carolina! There is more info to come on that later, but you should know that my last couple of months have been nothing but LAAAAATE nights, preparing book proposals, one sheets, articles, and more. You could say that I'm exhausted, but I've been more exhausted before, so it's no stranger. And, the exhaustion is blinded by this crazy, giddy drive and anticipation of the conference! I've tried to attend She Speaks for several years now, and something has always come in the way. NOT THIS YEAR! I leave early Thursday morning and I. CAN'T. WAIT!

I've been 'mommy-stressed', of course; trying to prepare three kids and a husband to be away from their momma & wife is not an easy task! Chloe (almost 11) leaves for church camp tomorrow morning, so there's been packing and prepping for that as well.

This evening, the kids decided we needed to play a family round of what we call 'Wall Ball'. So outside we go to spend the last evening together before a week of crazy, sporadic separation. Avary (4) has a tendency to acquire injury during Wall Ball, so she and I sat on the sidelines and cheered. She bounced up on my lap, and I'm sure I had been rubbing her legs, back, hair, as I normally always do. Several minutes later, she said, "Momma, feel my legs; aren't they soft?"... "Yes, Avary, they are".... "I know they are, momma; Chloe shaved them in the shower last night"....

SAY WHUUUUUUT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'm pretty certain that I threw Avary off of my lap; rubbing up and down her legs, realizing that, yes, THEYARE SMOOTH!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! 

I think much of my life flashed before my eyes in that moment. My dreams, my fears, my failures, visions of my children as babies... there they all came in an instant... and then the hyperventilation. 

"CHLOE! Did you shave your sister's legs?????" To which Chloe responded, "No," to which I responded, "Chloe, DID YOU SHAVE YOUR SISTER'S LEGS???" Chloe denied the accusations, and Avary stood there, innocently shaking her head 'yes', all the while smiling happily. So, Avary finally said, "Come here, mom, I'll show you..."  It was then that Chloe frantically says, "MOM, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!" I put my hand out as to say 'just wait', and followed Avary to the bathroom. She proceeds to show me the DISPOSABLE RAZOR that Chloe used to shave her legs with! 

AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

I am in serious agony at that point. Like, SERIOUS. My baby girl... FOUR YEARS OLD... has had her legs shaven!!!!!! Breathe, Crystal... b-r-e-a-t-h-e. 

Now, I should say that it wasn't until less than a year ago, that Chloe was even allowed to start shaving with an ELECTRIC razor. And literally, one week ago, I agreed to let her have a go at the disposable razor. I should also say that my girls do not regularly shower together, nor does Chloe regularly help with Avary's baths. However, last night I unexpectedly needed to head to the hospital to pray with a lady who'd just had an emergency c-section to deliver her baby at 26 weeks gestation. Having experience with this, and also being in the ministry, I felt compelled to offer prayer and encouragement immediately. So I asked Chloe if she felt like she could take on the responsibility of giving Avary a bath. She asked if they could just take a shower together. "Why not", I thought. And THAT is when it all went down. 

I will admit, that my head was spinning. I wanted to lose it. But God told me to pray. PRAY. I will also admit that I just wanted to deal with the situation, and THEN pray! I went to instruct Chloe to go to her room so that her daddy and I could discuss punishment, and she begins to scream and bawl that Avary "forced her to do it". Yes, those four year olds are ruthless. GAH! 

As I walked into the living room, dazed and confused, I could see that Derrick knew that I was just in a cloud of fury and hurt and... I'm not really sure what else... so he sent me to my room to pray, and he took the first round with Chloe. Let me tell ya, God knew what he was doing when he asked me to stop and pray, 'cuz, I'm just not real sure how I was going to handle this! (see, I even said, 'cuz)

Keeping the interrogation details confidential for Chloe's sake, I will say that we had a good discussion about the crime, the punishment, and also about God's grace and mercy! (that one was for both of us!) But since I know that inquiring minds want to know, Chloe lied about the offense because she was afraid that we would keep her from going to church camp tomorrow. HAAAAAAAAAA! Oooooooooh honeyyyyyyy.... you are GOING to church camp.... EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!

(You know, as much as I wanted to come unglued on that child, the outcome was so much greater when I stopped and allowed God to take control. I'll admit that I don't always succeed at that. There have been plenty of times that I've let my tone of voice get out of control, or fly off the handle with some crazy punishment before rationalizing. I, for one, am thankful for God's grace as well!)

"The amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, the extravagant love of God, the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit, be with all of you." 2 Corinthians 13:14 (MSG)

Ponies & Lollipops

Last week Avary (4), said to me as I tucked her in for bed, "Goodnight mommy; I hope you dream about ponies and lollipops." It was one of the most precious things I've ever heard... especially with her lisp! (can you hear it? 'poneethh and lollipopth')

My first day back to college after 13 years was today. Let's just say that it wasn't all "Ponies & Lollipops"... not in the least! 

The day started off with a separation-anxious six year old son. Jax (who has had many issues since the tornado last year), has had a rough time adjusting to going to first grade. This morning was by far our worst morning yet, as he clutched my leg with one arm and the door of his classroom with the other, and literally screamed, "MOMMYYYY, I NEEEED YOUUUU!!!" Talk about ripping my heart out. I wanted to grab him and run, but I knew that would solve nothing. He finally got into his classroom and I stood out of sight and lost it. I'm thankful for the perfect timing of a friend, who hugged and encouraged this momma in that moment... God knew I needed that! (thanks, Sheenah!) 

As I left the school, memories of being home with my babies flooded over me, and in the comfort of my little white minivan, I bawled like a baby.  For real. Boo-hooing at its finest. It was then that I realized we were entering [another] new season. Bittersweet, for sure. I always embrace 'new'. Welllllll, okay, not always. But I do try; I love a new adventure! This just happens to be one of those seasons that are hard for a momma to swallow, let alone embrace. But again, we have prayed and know that God is guiding us through this place, through this season. He's literally all over it, and it's exciting! It doesn't mean there won't be growing pains, though! 

So after getting home and crying to my [fabulous] husband, I wiped my tears, attempted to cover up my tear-swollen eyes, and headed to school. I was one stoplight away from the college when it dawned on me that I'd forgotten my backpack, books... pretty much every item one would require for school. Okay, you can do this... no biggie, so you forgot your books. I arrived at campus and realized I'd forgotten my laptop; not a huge deal. I'd planned on taking care of my online classes during my break, but I'd just have to deal with it later. I decided to take a deep breath and pray. Lord, was this really a good idea? Maybe I should give it up now and realize this dream may not become a reality. It's okay if it's not really supposed to happen. It was this exact moment that the lyrics of "One Thing Remains" by Jesus Culture came on the radio, "Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me..." Okay, I hear you! You never give up on me... I'm not giving up on your plans for me!

So as I'm transferring items from my purse to my backpack, my nervous stomach decides to kick in. REALLY?!?! Yep, really. Okay, maybe I should give up NOW! (just kidding!) Sparing details, I'll just say that I spent 25 minutes of the 30 I had before class, praying in the bathroom that I would make it to class on time. Go ahead, laugh. Laugh your head off. One day I will..... 

I did make it to my first class on time, YAY! I also really enjoyed my instructor and think I will enjoy the class as well. In fact, I enjoyed all of my classes today. I'm wishing I hadn't enrolled in two online classes, however. Here I sit, not able to log onto them due to website overload at this time. Fabulous. (In the morning maybe?!)

If you know me, you know that I try to live up to my middle name, and find the "Sunshine" in every situation. So, here is the 'Sunshine List' for today, the 'good news', if you will: 

1)  Contrary to prior fear, mine was NOT the only minivan parked in the student parking lot; 
2)  I didn't run into any of my students on campus (you're welcome!)... I was only hoping not, so as not to embarrass them; 
3)  I was not the oldest student in one of my classes; and
4)  My kids had a great day at school, which is enough to cross out all of the negatives! 

"... I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know that I'm doing. I have it all planned out-- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:10-11 (MSG)

Ready or not, here I come!

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LoTs oF COFFEE!!!!

*SHUDDER* That's right, folks... I'm going back to school! I can't decide if I'm excited or nervous, smart or completely out of my mind. Probably a combination of all of these! 

Point is: the timing is right. I've known for some time that God was directing me this way, but the timing has never been quite right. 

Here goes nothing. I will now be the Old Cat Lady in classes... even though I hate cats... these 18 year olds will see me as that. I know this b/c there were plenty of them in my classes when *I* was 18 and in college! Fabulouso. 

My kids seem indifferent right now about it. Well, minus Jax. A few weeks ago, we sat at the mall watching the bungee jump while we waited on Chloe. Something was said about school, and I asked him what he thought about Mommy going back to school. The puzzled look arrived on his face, and I explained to him that I'd started college, but hadn't finished. He responded, "YOU DIDN'T GRADUATE?!".  For the record, I graduated high school, people, but not college. This did not matter to my six year old son. Again, "You mean you're a MOM, and you DIDN'T GRADUATE????". The child was mortified. As was I. The word 'loser' appeared to be racing through his mind, though I can't be certain. Our eyes jumped up and down watching the bungee kids, while I hung dangling by the tiny thread of confidence that my son had left in me. Then came his final question, "Mom, does dad know about this?"

Jax was so bothered by my confession that it was the first thing he brought up to Derrick as he walked in from work. "Dad, did you know that mom didn't graduate?!".  Just so you know, this conversation is NOT the [main] reason I am going back to school! Again, it's been a long time coming... God's timing is pretty sweet! 

Sooooo, prayers are appreciated! I start Monday. Oh dear... Monday. Thankful for an awesome, supportive husband (& kids!), and looking forward to seeing how God works in this! 

The end result will be a BA in Mass Communications- Journalism. Serious butterflies!!! 

I will soon update you on the writer's conference I attended in July.... that is where I officially decided to take the plunge immediately... lots of cool stuff to share about that amazing weekend! 

Tally ho.......

Mmmmm!

I love my Almond Joy creamer.  Really, it's delish.  It actually forces me to close my eyes when the flavor hits my tongue.  It.  Is.  Yummy.

BUT, something I LOVE even more, is when God proves to me just how cool He is!  Wow, some pretty crazy cool things are in the works over here, and this momma is one excited gal!!!

 Can't wait to share more... but first, I'm gonna need a lot more coffee....

FREE!

We have been given a FREE extra day this year!!! How will you spend yours?! 

A Lovely Thought

I've had a lovely, lingering thought on my mind for a few weeks now: 

I wonder if Jesus finds his mother each day in Heaven, just to give her a hug & a kiss?!  The thought of that to me is simply divine! 

About 5 years ago, I started really thinking alot about Mary (mother of Jesus), and what she must have gone through as Jesus' mother.  To really sit and ponder on her years of mothering Jesus is just..... wow.  From birth to his crucifixion and resurrection.... I cannot imagine her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her worry, her laughter, her tears..... now this is a woman whom was surely, carried by God! 

Random feelings

Warning:  Read at your own risk!  This post is entirely random.  No rhyme or reason... I don't think!  The thoughts were there, and when they are, I write them out.  So, here ya go.....


      When we moved to Missouri from Oklahoma, we honestly wondered what God was doing.  Neither Derrick nor I had ever lived away from family.  Both of our families currently lived in Oklahoma.  Accepting the call into the ministry, we both agreed that we would go where God led.... wherever that may be.  I don't think that either of our families really believed that we would hold to that, and I don't think they believed we would actually make the first move.  Let's just say they were not 'happy'.  Not only were we, their children, leaving, but we were taking along with us...... thier GRANDCHILDREN!  Well, two and a half of them (Avary on the way).  But, we followed the calling, and we KNEW that God had a plan for us in Missouri.  We knew it.  We cried all the way up here.  We were sick.  It was the strangest feeling in the world thus far.  And we'll never feel it again!  It was the first move away from family and friends; away from the lives we knew, on a new journey..... alone, and yet together.   

Maybe timing wasn't the best, but, it's God.  When he calls, you kind of.... GO!  We left on December 1, 2007.  I had plans to have my Christmas tree up and ready for the holiday.  We had plans to leave on the 21st to be back in Oklahoma for Christmas.  I was a bit over halfway through my pregnancy with Avary, which had started terribly rough and scary, but I finally, at 28.5 weeks, felt great.  We met our new OB, he sent us for a high-risk ultrasound on the 12th.  It was our first drive into St. Louis, and we were excited!  The ultrasound went well; the high risk specialist said he saw no reason why I wouldn't carry the baby to term, and so w/ good news in arm, we went shopping!  We were in love w/ West County Mall and called family to share the good baby news, then headed back home.  I awoke at 1am that 'night' to what I just knew was my broken water.  I got up, called the OB, and then Derrick and I dragged our kids out of bed and to the ER at 3am (we didn't know anyone well enough to call for help!).  For the next 4 days, I was sent home twice and told the fluids tested negative for amniotic fluid, even though I was certain that I was not 'wetting' myself over and over! 

Finally, on Monday morning, December 17, I called the Dr., AGAIN, and after being told yet again that my water had not broken, a nurse checked me just before releasing me and realized, "UGH! HER WATER HAS BROKEN!"  Really?!

Panic.  I suddenly had seven different nurses in triage shooting me w/ medications, hooking up IV's, hooking me up to monitors, and telling me to prepare for a hospital ride to St. Louis, where they would try to hold out delivery as long as possible.  Derrick, who had Chloe and Jax, headed to meet me there, only to receive a phone call minutes later saying that Avary's oxygen levels had dropped and they would be doing an emergency c-section immediately.  Panic.  Thankfully, new friends from the church came to the hospital to sit w/ the kids while Derrick attended to me.  I can only imagine how my mom and Derrick's felt when they got the phone calls and scrambled to make the 6 hour drive here. 

I was in a cloud.  I don't even know that I realized the whole situation was real, you know?  I remember feeling very sick from the magnesium shots, and I remember breaking down at one point on the phone with my mom.  The next thing I remember is feeling the Dr. start cutting on me for the surgery.... wait, WHAT? STOPPPP!!!!  Oh, the pain!  The Anesthesiologist then had to 'put me out' totally.  From then I can remember having a dream that I had not survived, and that I was in a world of 'foam' (yes, I know), and I could hear mumbled voices, as I struggled to swim through the foam to reach them. 

And then I woke.  And my baby was gone. 

No longer was my body harboring a precious child, nurturing and preparing that life for her entrance to the world.  Her entrance had come all too soon.... 11 weeks too soon.  And a helicopter, full of doctors and nurses, had already taken her to her first home, St. Louis Children's Hospital.  I can remember feeling strangely still pregnant.  I wasn't holding my baby, and yet I knew my stomach was.... empty.  As was my heart.  The pain medication created a false security for me that first night.  I even remember laughing with my mom because, due to my not having my baby with me, I had to leave my hospital room to make room for a patient whose baby would stay also.  So, we were first taken to a closet.  No, I am not joking.  It was a closet with a bed... one dorm sized bed w/ feet room only and a door.  My mom and I sat in there cracking up... literally!  We finally talked the nurse into just letting me go back to the triage room in the ER.  Yes, good times indeed!  There was no sleep that night, but again, I woke up delirious and okay.  I knew though that my delirium was not reality; Derrick was living our new reality, as he went to be w/ Avary that night at Children's.  He says that it's the first time he can ever remember curling up into a ball and crying like a baby, and feeling like life was further out of his control than he ever imagined.  My Dr...... God bless my Dr.; he allowed me to leave that day.... 15 hours after giving birth!  But, he also knew two things: 1) I was being housed in TRIAGE for crying out loud; and, 2) I needed to see my baby.  He sent me home under the condition that I was to sleep that day, and not go to St. Louis until the following day.  *sigh*  It was hard to sleep; I had a house full of company!  But, I did rest; it was nice to have everyone there and feel.... 'at home'.  My stomach twisted though at the thought of seeing my new baby clinging to life... as terrible as it sounds, thoughts raced through my mind, wondering, "if I don't go to see her, then maybe it won't be real."  Of course I didn't mean it, but I did not want it to be real. 

My first memory of Avary:  blue lights.  Derrick wheeled me around the corner of the NICU towards Avary's room, and I can remember thinking, "God, please don't let that be my baby".  But I was pretty certain that hers was the corner room.  And it was.  My breath completely left my body at that moment.  No words.  Just surrealism.  Surreal.  But not fear.  I don't think.... well, maybe a little at first.  I know that I cried, and I worried, and I was uncertain and everything in between, but I honestly don't think that I ever feared for her life.  God had given Avary second breath early in her life within me, and I KNEW that He would not have done that, only to take her life so shortly after a premature birth.  I do think that I feared what kind of life she may have to live, though.

I can't even begin to describe all of the feelings, the ups and downs, the good days and the bad that transpired over the course of the next two months.  There were days that I wondered if I would ever have another day without tears.  There were nights that Derrick and I would lie in bed and just cry.  There were days that we plastered smiles across our faces even though we were screaming inside.  There were days that we just couldn't muster even the fake smiles.  And of course, there were days of real smiles.  There were days of cheering for a preemie milestone that Avary had reached.  We had laughter; mostly during the shows that Chloe and Jax would perform for me during all of my 'pumping'.  (well, that was laughter mixed with tears from the pain of laughing while recovering from a c-section!)  We kicked into 'NICU' mode... learning what a 'Brady' and a 'CPAP' were; learning to hold a child while fighting tubes and vents and clips.... learning to show love and affection to our other two children while aching inside. 

And I won't lie.  There were so many days that I wondered why on earth God would move us 6 hours from our families and friends, only to be dealing with this.  Wouldn't it have been easier for him to have waited to give us this job until after Avary was born??  I mean, we had to send Chloe to school every morning and then either I would drive to St. Louis, put Jax in the sibling playroom at the hospital (praise God for that!), spend my two hours with Avary (maximum Jax could be in the playroom), and drive home; OR, we would wait until Chloe got out of school and then all drive up to see Avary.  Everyday.  There were days of course that we couldn't visit; days of the flu (the first time anyone in our family had ever had the real flu, and Derrick and both kids got it that winter!), days of bad weather... the list goes on and on.  The day, one month after bringing Avary home, that Derrick left for his first trip w/ the youth and hours later, Avary was admitted back into the hospital w/ RSV.  Those days were hard.  Derrick still had to step into his new position as youth pastor here.  Life, and God's plan for our lives here, still had to be carried out.  We missed our families terribly.  We missed our daughter terribly.  We missed a 'normal' life.... terribly.  But, we were carried. 

Looking back, it was a very difficult time, yes.  But oh, the lessons we learned!  I cannot even begin to list them!  And now, I find myself thanking God for allowing us to walk through certain aspects of that journey because of what we brought out of it.  Little did I know that two years later, my sister (my best friend) would be faced with the same journey w/ her twins.  The morning that my mom called to tell me that Misty may be in labor at 26 wks pregnant, I fell to my knees.  "Lord, this cannot be happening to her.... her husband in in Iraq... she has a 4 year old.... this is twins".  Derrick called me from work that morning to tell me that he had been praying for the situation and that the Lord had spoken to him that THIS was the reason He (God) had allowed me to go through the premature birth of Avary.  This was my chance to use that for good.  But the thoughts raced through my mind:  Could I?  How?  I don't want to go back to that.  Just don't let the babies come early, and I won't have to use it now.... no, not now. 

Cali and Katelyn were born 5 days later.  The girls are doing well, growing and such.  They still have so many hurdles to cross, but God is so good!  He even allowed my brother-in-law to come home early.... so many amazing miracles already! 

A friend of mine said today that God is now using my journey w/ Avary as a ministry.  Not only to my sister, but to other mom's of preemies.  And yes, I do find myself thanking God for taking us down that road!  But I have to admit, this has not been easy.  I feel like I'm going down the same road.... again.  It's as if I'm there... again.  I have no idea why or how.  And Heaven knows that I do NOT know exactly what my sister is feeling right now.  I have a slight idea, having been in a similar situation, but only God knows.  But wow, my emotions have been a roller coaster!  I only pray that I have been able to be a shoulder to my sister during this time, and that God will continue to use me as He sees fit.  And I'm hugely grateful to even be USED by God!!!! 

Again, sorry for the randomness of this post.  I just felt that I needed to get it out!  I do feel better.  God is certainly carrying me again, as He knows how badly I want to be w/ my sister, my mom, my family during this time.  There are so many other family issues going on right now.  And I'm not there.  But God has a plan.  And, I have peace in knowing that, and BELIEVING that!!!  How sweet it is! 

Blessings

Sweet, sweet Jesus

A dose of motivation!

Along with the sun this morning, came a fresh dose of motivation!  A little Ooomph!  I was completely un-focused on this cake, yet excited to do it.  I had begun a few elements yesterday, but was not

F-O-C-U-S-E-D.  Ridiculous.  Maybe I just let my little pity party get the best of me.  Maybe it's best that I waited until this morning to really attack it; it was time consuming, yet flowed.  Thank you, Jesus!  A cake that I was quite pleased with, a cake that the client ADORED, and a fresh attitude.... feels good! 

Home

I love the Michael Buble' song 'Home'.  It says so much of our lives over the last few years.  Sometimes it helps just to listen to it.... sometimes, it hurts. 

This has been one of those weeks that seem to never end.  I have not been able to catch up on my housework since we've been back from Oklahoma & Springfield.  Literally.  I thought I was caught up Monday, but then each day my house has just fallen prey to total chaos, and today it is terrible!  Every corner that I clean is cluttered again in a second.  Partially b/c my 2 year old feels the need to constantly be undoing every single thing that I do :)  And, partially b/c I cannot seem to bring myself to FOCUS this week.  At all.  It's bad.  I am not motivated on my cakes for this week.  Excited about one, but I cannot seem to focus and pull together a game plan for it.  I'm so behind right now, that I don't even know where to begin. 

There is sooooooooooo much going on at 'home' right now.  My sister's babies.  It's so easy to paint a rosy picture about how they are, but then I got new photos tonight and it just made things worse for me!  I KNOW what it's like to have a baby in the NICU, and I know that I felt so alone.  So alone.  I feel like I have so much to offer my sister during this time, but I feel like I'm failing from here.  A phone call.  Wow.  My only solace is that I know my God is there for her when I cannot be.  My sister has cried nearly each time I've talked to her on the phone, and my sister is not a crier.  It hurts.  The list continues with issues that I cannot go in to.... my grandma... Derrick's uncle... my brother... Avary... a thousand hits have fallen in front of us in the last couple of weeks and I am not certain that I can continue to put on a happy face while I am hurting to be with my family.  I've always been Mrs. Fix-It in my family.  I can't stand separation and hurt, and I've always tried to be the band-aid.  It is HARD not being there right now.  Hard. 

I know that God is so much bigger than all of this.  I know that.  I feel so consumed by everything lately that as soon as I feel like I finally get through in prayer and am able to stand, then I get knocked down again.  My emotions are getting the best of me.  And yes, I am merely venting.  That's what I need to do right now.  I do not expect any responses, and am not sure that I really want any (ha!) from this post.  I just needed to vent. 

God, give me the strength to f-o-c-u-s.   Give me a peace in knowing that you are in control, and that you are where I cannot be.  Your hands are much bigger than mine, and I am grateful that you offer them to me each day, in which to place my troubles in.  Remind me to place those troubles into YOUR hands.  I love you, Lord, and I thank you for the blessings that you shower down upon me and my family each day.  Forgive me for my complaints, Lord.  You know the needs, and you know my heart.  Be with those that I cannot, take control of our lives, of these trials.  I love you, Father, thank you for your mercy and grace. 

Beautiful Girl

Just wanted to give a little shout out to Misty, who is such a beautiful woman!  I created these 'Beautiful Momma CakeBites' in honor of my sister, for her shower (which had to be cancelled due to her early labor), because she is the most beautiful pregnant woman I've ever seen!  Her body is just perfect; absolutely perfectly round belly.... just amazing! 

Misty, even though we did not get to carry out your shower this weekend, don't worry, you WILL have a shower!  I'm not so sure that the pregnant belly CakeBites will still be appropriate, since you'll be skinny again, but I'm honored to have done them for you, with love!  I love you so much and am very proud of you, and proud to call you MY SISTA!!!!!!  Hang in there, love, the days will become easier with time.  May God wrap you in his wings and shelter you with his perfect peace.... I love you! 

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! Yesterday was one of those days that make me want to be a better wife and mother!!! The day started w/ breakfast at home from Cracker Barrell! I'd been craving pancakes for some time, and can't make a decent pancake to save my life (I know!), so it was sooooo perfect!

Chloe made a card for me at school that was more book-style, and was entitled "Supermom"; it went like this:

-I love you because.... You are my super mom, you help me and be nice to me and you love me.

-My mom loves me best when.... I smile and love her like she loves me; lets go mom! (not quite sure what all that meant, but you know!)

-My mom looks prettiest when.... My mom looks pretty when she goes to church.

-The funniest thing I remember about Mom is.... She tickles us and makes us laugh every day and I am just like her.

-The most special gift I could give my Mom would be.... Flowers like tulips. Purple tulips like her, I love her so much.

-A Letter to my mom.... Mom, thanks for loving me, you are the best mom that I know. You always play with me and go shopping with me and buy alot of cool clothes and shoes. I love you mom!

Now how sweet is all that?!?! Of course, I changed the spelling of a few words so you could understand it, ha! Then of course my husband, who picks out the best cards, gave me a tear-jerker, and also a version of "A Mother's Legacy", the books in which you write your own life story. I've always loved those, but he always laughs at me when I start telling stories from my childhood, so I never expected him to get one! He did write inside that, "Even though I goof around and tease..... I feel things like that are so important...."; ugh, he's so sweet!

So we went to church of course and then came home and the whole family helped cook spaghetti for lunch... it was just one of those Kodak memories :) Aaaaaaaaaaand, the REAL GIFT... Avary waited until after lunch to take her nap, SO MOMMY GOT A NAP!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, granted, Derrick fell asleep as well, leaving Chloe and Jax awake, and my house was trashed when we woke up, but, I have to pretend that the nap was worth it all, hehe!

It was a great Mother's Day, indeed. You know, I strive each day to be a 'Proverbs 31' woman, and although I know that as humans, we will never quite add up to HER, we can strive and do our best to be that Godly woman for our families. My Grandma Betty was the closest example to a Proverbs 31 woman that many have ever known. A floral arrangement sent for the funeral even had a part of the scripture written on a ribbon wrapped around the arrangement... it was beautiful and so fitting. I can remember that my grandpa kept this on their coffee table for quite some time after her passing. It just spoke exactly who she was and how she lived her life.

Reading the scriptures just encourage me to be a better mother, and a better wife. It's so easy to become discouraged and overwhelmed and even selfishly sad, but God sees our tasks and nothing goes unnoticed w/ our Father!!!! It's so encouraging to know that God does see me folding each piece of laundry and scrubbing every inch of my floor (a thousand times a day due to spills and spit-ups and you-name-it!), and he appreciates that we care enough for our families to do these tasks. When we choose to serve God, there are so many various ways in which to carry out the commitment. It's not only going to church or reading our Bibles, it's in every little thing we do! As mother's we have a critical role in the lives of our children; we shape who they will become! EEEEEEEKS! I know, it sounds scary, but as long as we follow the Word and rely on Christ to guide us, we'll survive!

I'm excited to be a mother, a GODLY mother, and I pray daily that I can live up to God's expectations of the mother that He wants me to be, and raise my children to know and follow God.

Go hug your kids, pat yourself on the back, and then GET BACK TO THAT LAUNDRY!!!! Hehe! Love you all!

Okay....

So I realize this blog has been back and forth and everything in between... sorry! I really felt like I wanted to devote the blog to devotions each day, but then I felt major pressure on days that I couldn't blog or on days that I was feeling 'blank', and it just overwhelmed me emotionally, to the point that I just didn't even want to hear the word 'blog'! So, it's back to the way it started... maybe-not-daily blogs about daily life and my random thoughts and anything else.... there may be a devotional-style blog added in here and there, but maybe not! I feel like the blog is a good place for family and friends to stay in touch w/ our lives, so I do feel that I need to keep it up, but this time, it's w/ no expectations or requirements. Is that okay w/ everyone here? Thought so!

"Fill 'er up, Please"

Okay, so I've had a post in mind for a week now and for some reason, cannot get it to translate well from head to paper :( I've prayed for God to give me the words, the compilation of this jumble of information in my mind. Unfortunately, this is not the post! Sorry! I'm still praying over it; obviously, it's just not time. But it's got me frustrated!

Why can't I get this out? Am I not giving something to God to in turn get His help w/ this? Possibly.

I've been consumed lately by thoughts. Not bad thoughts, but they have been worrisome thoughts and stressful thoughts, and that IS a hindrance.... this I know. Why is it so hard for humans... or for me... to just let go??? I know that it drives me crazy! I'm going along just fine and then all of a sudden I let my worries and stresses stop me in my tracks. And then I sit. I feel like I can't get through. I need a refill, God!!!

God says it so simply in Matthew 25:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" And then in Psalm 55:22, "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

I find comfort in the scriptures, but sometimes I just let my flesh overpower what I know to be true.

"Even as I sit here now, Lord, I can feel wrinkles in my expression. I am stressed right now. I feel like I need a break. I love being a stay at home mom and I love my family, but I'm overwhelmed right now. I know that my worries and my stresses are sooooooo tiny compared to others. I look around and I know that so many are hurting right now, Lord, far more than I can begin to imagine. The thing is, I know that you care also about my trivial worries and stresses, and I know that you are far more qualified than I to handle them with the proper care. I stress because as I sit here and attempt to write for you (right?), my children are at my feet, needing one thing after another, my mind is filled with the worries of certain family members, I am everywhere but here, Lord! Forgive me! Why do I continue to worry and burden myself with these cares when I have your Promise to take them from me? I tell my youth to give their worries to you, Lord, but I can't practice what I preach? I'm ashamed. I need your help, Father, to prioritize my time. Why can I organize my closet but not my time? I need to devote more undivided time to my children. MORE undivided time to YOU, Lord... you KNOW that!!! More time to my husband. Why is it that I am home all day, and still feel that I'm struggling to finish chores, let alone spend time with you, my children, my husband, and myself????? UGH! I'm struggling, Lord, and I know only you know how to fix my boo-boos. I'm very good at making boo-boos, but not so great at the band-aid part. Help! Father I know you have a plan with this blog.... there is a reason that you are giving me thoughts, but not putting them into words yet. I want to reach others, and yet I'm consumed by my own struggles. I know you're working, Lord. I know I need to seek more. Please help me to prioritize my time and to be productive with every minute of every day, Lord. Help me be a blessing to others through you. Help me to not burden my life or anyone else's with my struggles, but place them in YOUR hands, Lord, where I know they will be better dealt with anyways! I love you, Father, and I place this blog in your hands as well, Lord. Have it and do with it what you will. Have your will upon the direction of this blog, and the direction of my life. Teach me, Lord. I don't even have to mention what I need help in; I'm just laying my troubles at your feet and asking you to meet me. I cannot do anything on my own, God, you know that! Here I am; heart, mind, soul, arms open."

..... and as I decide to look one more place, He gives me this......... God's awesome power never ceases to amaze......

Psalm 62:5, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

"I'll have what she's having!"

Ever said that? In a restaurant, more than likely, most of us have. But have you ever said that to... God, perhaps? Have you ever thought, "I'd like to have faith like so-and-so", or, "I'd love to be able to let go in worship like so-and-so"? I have; I've thought these and more, many times. I've said in posts before (yeah, last year when I last posted... get off my back!) that I'd love to have a passion to learn more about Christ like my friend Meredith. Meredith and I have never met, and may never until we reach our final destination one fine day, but I stumbled across Meredith's blog by not-so-accident one day and was just blown away w/ her yearning and passion. I was embarassed in fact, that I was a preacher's wife and didn't have half the passion I saw in Meredith.

Welllllll, here we are, over a year later, and it seems I've let a whole year slip by without even caring that I am still not there. It breaks my heart that I have pushed 'pause' in my relationship w/ God due to life circumstances; there is no excuse. Yes, I made a major move w/ my family to follow a ministry calling. Yes, I had a daughter 11 weeks early and yes, she was hospitalized for nearly 2 months. Yes, it was stressful transitioning her to our home. Yes it was stressful transitioning US to a family of 5. Yes, it's been a stressful year being away from family. Yes, life gets that way, BUT IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE!!!!! HELLOOOOOOOOO! Not-so-ironically, I typed in the wrong web address for a friend of mine's blog earlier, and it took me to her old blog, where there was but one post lingering. It was about giving everything to God and not focusing on our lives and what was and wasn't about them, but focusing on God and others, and then our lives would in turn of course make more sense! I replied to this post before realizing it was old and written earlier this past year, but then I realized there was definitely a reason I'd run into it! It is NOT ABOUT US!!!!! Nothing in this life is. IT IS ABOUT GOD. And when we come to realize this, which is difficult b/c we are human, we will all be a happier people. Yeah, even happier than after that mocha latte'!

The problem is that we just don't get it. We live our daily lives. We fall into our daily routine. We become something that we don't realize we've become until it slaps us in the face. It's so easy. Go to work. Go to church. Read your Bible. Pray. Eat. Sleep. Wake up and do it all over again. We don't want to become robotic in our walk, and yet we do. Mac Powell, lead singer of Third Day, once said, "Within our lives no matter where we could go, or who we could see, or who we could meet, or what we could earn, or be given to us, or accomplish, there is nothing in our lives that will ever come close to the greatness of knowing Jesus Christ." So then why to we put so much emphasis on everything but???? Good question!

WAKE UP!!!!!! And this time, REALLY WAKE UP!!!!!!! I'm ready! It is time to step over the edge into a spiritual journey w/ our Father that is out of the ordinary, far beyond mediocrity, OUT OF THIS WORLD AWESOME!!! I'm ready to go, and I'll take whoever wants to go w/ me ;)

"... but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

God is much stronger than your espresso.... rely more on Him!!!!

This is the air I breathe

I don't have much time on here, but I'll try to update. Avary is doing well; she is off of all breathing aids, just breathing room air on her own and is doing well w/ it. Praise God! She is is up to 1/2 oz. of breastmilk in her feeding tube every three hours. Most of everything is well for her; she has a heart murmur that is getting louder, so they may run tests next week on her heart, but I'm speaking another miracle for her! Her first brain scan (last week) came back normal... THANK YOU GOD! She is now 2 1/2 weeks old... can you believe it?! She is precious. She is an angel! OH, she's sucking on a pacifier also which is awesome! Go Avary! I always tell her what a big, strong girl she is... she tells me she likes that ;)

Ugh, it is so hard to leave her. It's getting harder b/c she's getting more alert also. She's so darn precious! And she just loves her mommy :) I'm struggling b/c it's been really hard on my body lately, and my doctor told me to alternate days that I go to see her. Yuck. She's mad about that, ha, and mommy too :( Next week they will start to put her to breast.... I'm trying to find someone to possibly keep Jax a couple days a week so I can spend more time w/ her; one hour every other day is not enough.

I should stop griping.... life could be so much worse, you know? God has been SO AMAZING to us and I couldn't ask for more. I'm just being selfish.

God has given me breath, given me three beautiful, amazing children, and an amazing husband, and amazing family and friends, and an amazing church family....... Avary is in great hands and I can't ask for more. This is the air that I breathe for now. I will pray for strength to breathe it in the way God has planned for me. I will pray for peace and safety. I will praise Him through this storm, just as I have before. Praise you, Father for your blessings!

"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress", Psalm 91:2

Avary Rhyan

Monday, December 17, 2007

Avary Rhyan Hornback is born 11 weeks early, weighing 2lbs,4oz, 15in. long.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I came home from the hospital today. I’m feeling pretty good, but I strangely still feel pregnant. I was out during the c-sec., so I didn’t hear Avary cry, didn’t see her, nothing before she was whisked away. I feel good, so nothing is real to me. It is real to Derrick. He spent the night in St. Louis. He says Avary’s well, breathing on her own. But it’s not real to me. Did this really happen? Did I really give birth to my baby girl 11 weeks before her due date??? I felt strangely optimistic and fine today. Weird. My mom is here. Derrick’s mom is here. My kids are confused and excited to see me home. Do they realize they have a sister? No, b/c Jax is asking to kiss the baby in my tummy. Nice, how do you explain it to a 2 year old? I guess you don’t right now. I choose not to. In a way I want to go see my baby, yet in a way I don’t. If I don’t, does it make it not real? It’s not real, right? It’s just a dream. It has to be.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Derrick’s mom left today. My mom stayed w/ the kids while Derrick and I went to see Avary. I cried…… no, I bawled all the way up there. I was petrified. A 3 pound baby? No way. Not mine. I seriously did not want to see her. Is that terrible?? Yes and no maybe. Derrick wheeled me around the corner and I saw the incubator, the tubes, the blue light… please God, do not let this be real. Please wake me up now. I broke down as soon as we entered the room. Tubes, machines, noise, and underneath all of that, a tiny figure that I’m told is my child. After clearing the blur of tears from my eyes, I thought I would pass out at the sight of her. This beautiful, amazing, tiny human that is trying to survive. MY child, trying to survive, alive only by these machines, and of course, the glorious Grace of God. This beauty that was growing inside of me only two days ago, still needing growth and nourishment, now is in the outside world. It hurts. It hurts to know I can do nothing. I wanted to grab her and run. I finally spoke and wondered if she knew me. I touched her hand, no bigger itself than my thumbnail. Her feet, shorter than my pinky. Her head (covered in light brown curly hair by the way), as big as the palm of my hand. Breathe. On the way home I realize that this is life. I must step into it and live it. Ready or not, here it is.

Oh, Avary had to be put on an oscillator/ventilator… the nurses say she’s a feisty little fighter….. another one?! No, she needs to be. Praise God for her attitude!

We had ‘Christmas’ w/ my mom, her husband, my sister and my niece tonight. That was nice. I had a massive headache towards the end of the day though…… probably stress. I’m not even sure I’m feeling that everything is real yet. And I don’t even want to think about tomorrow… my mom and her clan leaves. Please God, I ask again, let this be a dream.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

I awoke today w/ a headache that was horrible enough to keep me vomiting and in bed. Stress. I hate today. My mom leaves. I won’t make it without her here. Avary has a bubble of air or fluid on her lung. They’ve inserted a chest tube to drain it. As soon as they inserted it, the bubble was gone. Thank you Lord! They’ve also put her on pain meds, mainly b/c she’s trying too hard to do everything on her own and they need her to rest. Silly girl. Wish I could see her again.

My mom left. They’re gone. What on earth will we do? We’re over an hour away from Avary. Our kids will be dragged here and there and what about meals and EVERYTHING??? I’ve been in bed all day crying, which is probably why this headache is still here. I can’t even think. I want to be w/ Avary, but I can barely open my eyes right now. Please God, take this headache away. I’m useless to anyone right now.


Friday, December 21, 2007

Well, yet another day that I can’t see the child that is alone right now. I awoke this morning sick again from the headache. Went to the doctor, was taken immediately to the hospital for surgery……… yep, surgery! Come to find out, I had spinal fluid leaking, caused from the spinal block for my c-section on Monday. They had to do a C-Patch, where they find the leak, take blood from my arm, use it to block the leak….. as soon as they patched the leak, the headache was GONE! It was amazing! Praise God that He took care of that. But, I have to lie on my back for 24 hours now. Nice. No one is here to help w/ the kids, Avary’s lying in the hospital alone.

Derrick has been to see her daily. I think I’m jealous. Money is getting tight. How on earth will we afford daily trips to St. Louis, eating out, gas, etc. etc.??? This is not good. God, please provide the money that we need to do this. I want to see my baby! Poor Jax does not understand why mommy can’t hold him, why I have to lay down all day. Poor Chloe; she is worried about Avary, worried about mommy… there are too many tears right now. Too many worries. Life has to get easier, right? Things will get better right??? I’m realizing this is not a dream. This is reality. We’ve got to get up and do this. How? I’m not sure. Well, I am. God. He’s my Rock. He’s my Fortress. He’s my Shelter. I can cry to Him. I can shout to Him. And He’s there. He’s always there.

Avary is well today, not too many changes. “She’s a fighter”, we keep hearing from the nurses. OH, the nurses……… have I mentioned how amazing they are??? When I called earlier to check on Avary, I broke down, telling the nurse I wish I could be there and asking her not to think badly of me as a mother, and when Derrick came home from visiting, he brought a card that Avary’s nurse had made me w/ a picture of Avary and her footprints, saying, “I love you mommy, Love Avary”……… too sweet! Thank you, Jesus for Avary’s nurses.


Saturday, December 22, 2007

YAY! We went to see Avary today!!!! Only my second time to see my sweet baby girl. We took the kids of course, thank goodness for the awesome sibling playrooms in the hospital… Chloe and Jax had a BLAST! And I got to spend some time w/ Avary. She’s amazing. She’s beautiful! She’s mine. And yet, she doesn’t feel like mine. Does she know she has a mommy??

She’s doing well under the circumstances... “she’s feisty” is about all we hear from the nurses. She’s lost a bit of weight of course, down to 2lbs,2oz., but that’s normal.

Derrick’s mom and dad came up tonight and brought the kids’ Christmas gifts. We had a really nice time, it was just too short. It just seems unfair that Avary can’t be here. She’s laying up there, covered in tubes and fighting, and here we are opening gifts and it’s just unfair. Everyone says she doesn’t know, and I know that, but I know, and since I know I feel like she knows. Did that make sense?! Anyways, it’s hard to sleep thinking about it.


Sunday, December 23, 2007

We went to church today; it was nice to have a bit of normal today. Although it was weird. Lots of questions from many people, but also lots of uplifting stories of preemies they’ve known, etc. And of course it was the Christmas service, so it was very nice. The kids were glad to be back to a bit of normal also; they love the church, which is awesome 
I GOT TO HOLD AVARY TODAY!!!!!! It was amazing. It was scary. It was surreal. But it was cloud nine. Finally. She is tinier than she looks. Her bottom fits in the palm of my hand. She’s got LONG fingers and toes (gets that from me!). The nurses are always saying that she’s always moving, kicking, grabbing, etc. The whole 20 minutes that she was laying against my chest, she never moved an inch. I wondered if she recognized my heart beat, my voice….. they say she does. I hope so. Oh man, she’s just solos tiny; it’s unreal. I mean, she’s 2 pounds…….. insane, right?! Anyways, feeling her against me was amazing. I think for both of us. Hopefully. It’s harder to leave her now that I’ve held her. I wanted to run w/ her. My Grandpa said, when I told him about how still she was during our first bonding experience, that she was still b/c she was ‘Home’. I like that. I wish she could feel that more often. Poor sweet thing.

The kids are a bit uncomfortable around her still. They picked out a stocking for her to keep at the hospital, and Chloe and I hope to find some fleece to make a few blankets for Avary for Christmas. We can put our own blankness in her ‘bed’, so we thought it would be nice to make some. Chloe’s excited  When we pulled up to the hospital today, Jax said, “This Ivy’s home?” UGH. Heartbreaker. Yeah, I guess this is her home, for now…. makes me want to throw up to say that.


Monday, December 24, 2007

*sigh* It’s Christmas Eve. We went to the hospital early in the day. Avary is well, still being weaned a bit each day on the ventilator, she began getting my milk through a feeding tube last night and is stomaching it well. Thank you Jesus! I got to hold her a whole HOUR today!! We both fell asleep. It’s so relaxing to hold your baby close to your skin… it just feels so right, you know? I can remember falling asleep all the time while holding Jax and Chloe as babies… it’s almost therapeutic. But, I had to hand her over once again. By the way, she’s one week old today  One week old and should be 30 weeks gestation. Unreal.

Tonight was torture. We opened gifts and it just seemed unfair and wrong and weird. I thought of Avary the whole time. I tried to hold it together for the kiddos, but I was a wreck. Every little thing made me break down all day today. She should be here w/ us. My poor baby girl. Praise God she won’t remember any of this. We are so blessed though. We have our health, our home, we have family, although we’re all spread apart tonight, which stinks, we do have one another. And, we still have God to thank for sending His Son to save us. We watched The Nativity tonight; I love that movie. Think of Mary, how scared she must have been. And then to think of what she went through in watching her son go through torture and crucifixion. And I think I’ve got it bad. It’s selfishness partially. I want my baby to be w/ me. But mostly I just feel so badly for her. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy and okay. Please God, help me to count my blessings in all of this. Please be with Avary and keep your wings of protection upon her; from the top of her tiny head to the tips of her skinny little toes… thank you Lord for your Son, for this celebration of His birth, and forgive me for not putting that first tonight. I love you, Father, and I thank you for strength… I need a bit more please.


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas. I wish there were an exclamation on the end of that. I’m sorry. Christmas has been okay. I want to be in Oklahoma w/ family. I want Avary to be with us, or rather yet, still growing inside of me. I want things to be normal. What is normal? I’ve no idea now. Don’t think I will for some time. Forgive me, Father God, b/c I actually said to myself last night, “Merry Stinking Christmas”… how awful of me. I’m so sorry. But it’s what I felt at the time. Santa brought the kids exactly what they wanted (imagine that) and I felt bad that we had to drag them out to the hospital yet again. They are tired. We are tired. This too shall pass. I hope and pray.

Praise God my mom is coming tomorrow for a few days. The kids can stay home and hopefully Derrick and I can get some more time in w/ Avary. We’ve tried to make this Christmas as good as possible for the kids. We should be w/ family; Chloe knows the difference. I feel terrible for them, especially for her. I had a talk w/ her tonight about how much I love her and how sorry I am that life is upside-down right now. She made me the cutest picture, w/ two band-aids on it. She said she didn’t know how to spell ‘Get well’, but that she was thinking it while she colored it, ha! So sweet! She said she hopes I can quit crying soon and that my cut will heal soon so I can laugh again… the last few days she’s been putting on shows for me while I pump (gotta have some entertainment for 20 minutes every three hours, HA), and they make me laugh so hard, but it hurts sooo badly to laugh. She’s a sweetheart. She’s colored many cards for Avary’s room as well, and is such an awesome big sister to Jax. I couldn’t ask for better  Jax got drums for Christmas… yeah, nice. Glad my headache’s gone, ha!

I finally made a big meal tonight when we got home. I felt since it was Christmas and I hadn’t in a week, it would be nice. It was nice to sit at our table and have a real meal, but it didn’t feel normal. Nothing will until we get our baby home. I feel… empty. Empty. That’s it. I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, and yet I don’t have a baby in my arms. Something’s wrong w/ that picture. I yearn for a day w/ no tears. We met a couple whose daughter was born 11 weeks early and is now 5 ½ weeks old… Lisa is her name and she has become a rock to me. It’s nice to hear her tell me that all of this will pass, that things will get better, and the days will get easier… I pray so.

Avary was not feeling the greatest today, she’s had some gaggy issues and they may back off of the milk a bit. She’s been getting 1 ml every three hours, but they may cut back. We’ll see. I cried the whole time I held her today; it hurt so badly to know she didn’t feel well, on top of already having so many issues. My poor sweet girl. Derrick held her today! He was a bit nervous, plus she spit up and it made him really uncomfortable. I’m glad he held her though. She really looks tiny in his arms! We didn’t stay long; the kids were antsy today, understandably so. It hurts so badly to leave her. So badly. Please God, let this become easier. PLEASE. I don’t know that I have the strength to do this for several weeks. Avary has her first brain scan Thursday and I’m a nervous wreck. I know God is taking care of her. I know He has a plan. I’m still nervous. God give me strength. God give me strength. Thank you, Lord for strength. I need you now, Lord. Be with me now. I feel as though I’ve stepped out of my life and am living in someone else’s. But it’s mine. It’s our new life, we must live it. Day to day, mind you, but we must live it. We are blessed, and this will all pass. I just pray for time to pass quickly; not that I’m praying our lives away, but you know.

The hospital just called and Avary got her ventilator off, PRAISE GOD! She’s now on a C-Pap (I think that’s what it’s called), which basically will just help her to breathe if she forgets to. Great news! She also digested her last feeding, which is great. Thank you, Jesus for this news tonight. Although I want her here w/ me, I’m thankful that her condition is well. Praise God. Merry Christmas!

BOO!

Okay, no one pass out, please. I know, I know..... it's been what? A year or so since I've posted?? Ha, not really of course since I've only been a blogger for a few months, but it seems like it's been awhile since my last blog. I apologize. I have some good excuses, actually just one.... my computer has been out of commission, but it is back in business! Woohooooo! I've been able to QUICKLY check email through my computer at work, but there's not time there to even email anyone back hardly :( Sooooooooooooo, please accept my apologies and I hope to be back in the swing of blogging often :)


Okay, I'm not even sure where to start w/ an update; so much has gone on since I've last blogged! Chloe started kindergarten (waaah), I started my new job....... the list is loooooooooong, let me tell ya!


Chloe........ I'll post some first day pics soon.......... let me just say she looked adorable! She did better than expected on her first day. There were tears........ mostly from Derrick and I....... but not in front of her of course! She seemed very serious all morning, and then when she sat in her seat, the tears started flowing :( She just sat there, w/ a very serious stare, w/ tears flowing down her cheeks :( Walking out of that classroom was the hardest thing so far I've done as a parent! I don't think I'm kidding! Whew. I had a dr. appt. that day, so Derrick and I spent the day doing that and every 10 minutes or so, one of us would say, "What do you think Chloe's doing?"..... and the waterworks would start back up again, HAAAAAAA! We are such dorks! Anyways, she's cool w/ school now; for the first couple of weeks, she didn't like it b/c it was 'boring'. Sorry kiddo, you've got 12 years of boredom ahead if you think KINDERGARTEN is boring! I kid you not, she said her fave part of the day was lunch and naptime, HAAAAAAA! Well, actually when she mentioned naptime being her fave part, we decided we'd better send her to bed an hour earlier than her set bedtime, ha! And yes, she raves about the goulash...... wow...... what a kid! I could be spending alot less time on dinner if I'd known that earlier! Hehe!

Jax is doing great as well........ let's just say, he's almost 2! He's a little sweetheart though; he's my cuddler and such a mama's boy...... gotta love it! He's talking soooooooo much now; it's amazing how quickly that takes place! His words are so adorable, and he loves to be protective of his big sissy! It's so cracks me up how they can be going back and forth arguing, but the minute I get onto one of them, the other is quick to stand up for their sibling! I love it!

The pregnancy is going well, still a few problems, but the doctor thinks that everything will be okay. I know it will. We will hopefully find out next week what we're having! Can't wait!!!! I would love to have a bit more energy; my new job is demanding and I have zero energy left at the end of the day, but life goes on :)

Well, I need to get off of here for now, I have sooooooooooo many blogs written down that I need to get busy on! I'll try to get to them quickly :)

Love and miss all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be still my heart!

Well, let the motherly pride continue from yesterday.........

Yesterday evening on the way home Chloe asked me to listen to my Selah cd, b/c she loves the African music they play on a few of the songs. By the way, for those who don't know, Chloe has long had an obsession with other countries; we had a Chinese birthday party last year, she's constantly asking to go to Africa, China, all sorts of various places around the world. She has, for more than a year, asked questions daily about the lives of people in these countries, where they live, what they wear, etc. ANYWAYS, so we're listening to the cd and she says, "Hey mom, wanna know what I'm going to be when I grow up? A Missionary!"

*TEARS*!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's my girl! What is so funny is that when she started this obsession, Derrick and I began to really pray for her future, for God to mold her into what He has planned for her, and it's always been in our minds that she may be a missionary one day, just b/c of her interests.

Would that not be awesome?! Derrick and I tease that b/c Chloe is so animated and dramatic that she'll probably develop her own really cool way of spreading the Gospel and reach kids in a way that no one else could!

I think our kids' futures are definitely a Prayer Priority. God has such an awesome plan in store for each of them, and we must pray that they continue on His path so that each plan will one day be fulfilled!

Love you all!

*sniff, sniff*

My baby's growing up...... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah :( Okay, so I'm dealing w/ a bit of sadness about my baby girl growing up on me so quickly. Well, I hate to say sadness, b/c it's exciting to see who she's becoming, but in a way, it is sad. First of all, she turns 6 next week. SIX. SIX YEARS OLD! That's impossible, right?! I mean, it WAS just yesterday that my screams could be heard throughout an entire hospital before giving birth to an 8lb., 4oz. princess. I know it was yesterday. Crazy.

If you know Chloe, you know that these six years have not gone by boring! She's sensitive yet strong. She has the most vivid imagination that I have ever seen. She's dramatic...... and that's an understatement. She's 5 going on 15. Or 25. She scares me with her wit! It should be an interesting life. I can say that Chloe makes each day new and exciting and...... like I said, NOT boring! I wouldn't want her any other way. (well, ask me later, ha, just kidding!)

Secondly, she starts KINDERGARTEN in TWO WEEKS........... nooooooooooooooooooooooo! I'm really stressing about this one. She's ready of course, already knows what type of outfit she needs me to buy for her to wear on the first day, has asked me to bake cupcakes for her class for the first day (ha), has been practicing her letters and such. She's so ready. Me? HA! It literally makes me stomach turn to think about it :( It's SCHOOL. School. Not a playdate. School. Eww, that word! This has been a top prayer priority for some time for me. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous about it. I keep thinking dumb things like, "What if someone says something mean to her?", or, "What if she's wearing an outfit that is difficult to button and she's worried about coming out of the bathroom?"...... why?! I need to surrender all of these silly worries to God and let them go, but it's sooooo hard! She's my BABY!!!!!!

Have you ever watched your child do or say something and it seems as though you're watching them in a dream, your vision is all glazed over and it feels surreal that this is your baby?? Let me explain........ Chloe attended a Vacation Bible School last week at a local church and last night was the 'program'. Well, all week I'd been asking her to sing me the songs she was learning and she'd refuse, telling me it was all a surprise for the program. Okay, that's not unlike Chloe to make everything dramatic, we already know that, right? So her class sings a couple of cute little songs and then the lady in charge of music took the microphone and said that she was so proud of the kindergarten class b/c they had to learn something very difficult along w/ the second grade class. So the second grade class joins Chloe's class and they start this touching song, and all the kids begin doing sign language to this song! (for those of you that don't know, sign language is something very dear to me; I took classes in college and love to sign to songs for church, etc.) So you can imagine how that touched me! I was in tears! And Chloe did SO WELL! I was sitting there thinking, "Oh my goodness, God has given this girl a natural talent for this!" Her hands just flowed gracefully and it appeared to come soooooo naturally to her. And she's so little, it just sent chills down me! It just seemed to be a sort of wake up call: That is my daughter. She's growing up. She's talented. She's smart. She's beautiful. And she's mine. That IS my baby. She'll always be my 'baby'. But I have to also let her grow into what God has planned for her. It's time to start letting go just a bit. Not too much! But I have to trust and pray that God will handle it; He knows best, and I know that.

Okay, now that I've washed my face in tears, I'll end this blog. I pray strength for all the mommies today :)