Monday, December 17, 2007
Avary Rhyan Hornback is born 11 weeks early, weighing 2lbs,4oz, 15in. long.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I came home from the hospital today. I’m feeling pretty good, but I strangely still feel pregnant. I was out during the c-sec., so I didn’t hear Avary cry, didn’t see her, nothing before she was whisked away. I feel good, so nothing is real to me. It is real to Derrick. He spent the night in St. Louis. He says Avary’s well, breathing on her own. But it’s not real to me. Did this really happen? Did I really give birth to my baby girl 11 weeks before her due date??? I felt strangely optimistic and fine today. Weird. My mom is here. Derrick’s mom is here. My kids are confused and excited to see me home. Do they realize they have a sister? No, b/c Jax is asking to kiss the baby in my tummy. Nice, how do you explain it to a 2 year old? I guess you don’t right now. I choose not to. In a way I want to go see my baby, yet in a way I don’t. If I don’t, does it make it not real? It’s not real, right? It’s just a dream. It has to be.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Derrick’s mom left today. My mom stayed w/ the kids while Derrick and I went to see Avary. I cried…… no, I bawled all the way up there. I was petrified. A 3 pound baby? No way. Not mine. I seriously did not want to see her. Is that terrible?? Yes and no maybe. Derrick wheeled me around the corner and I saw the incubator, the tubes, the blue light… please God, do not let this be real. Please wake me up now. I broke down as soon as we entered the room. Tubes, machines, noise, and underneath all of that, a tiny figure that I’m told is my child. After clearing the blur of tears from my eyes, I thought I would pass out at the sight of her. This beautiful, amazing, tiny human that is trying to survive. MY child, trying to survive, alive only by these machines, and of course, the glorious Grace of God. This beauty that was growing inside of me only two days ago, still needing growth and nourishment, now is in the outside world. It hurts. It hurts to know I can do nothing. I wanted to grab her and run. I finally spoke and wondered if she knew me. I touched her hand, no bigger itself than my thumbnail. Her feet, shorter than my pinky. Her head (covered in light brown curly hair by the way), as big as the palm of my hand. Breathe. On the way home I realize that this is life. I must step into it and live it. Ready or not, here it is.
Oh, Avary had to be put on an oscillator/ventilator… the nurses say she’s a feisty little fighter….. another one?! No, she needs to be. Praise God for her attitude!
We had ‘Christmas’ w/ my mom, her husband, my sister and my niece tonight. That was nice. I had a massive headache towards the end of the day though…… probably stress. I’m not even sure I’m feeling that everything is real yet. And I don’t even want to think about tomorrow… my mom and her clan leaves. Please God, I ask again, let this be a dream.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I awoke today w/ a headache that was horrible enough to keep me vomiting and in bed. Stress. I hate today. My mom leaves. I won’t make it without her here. Avary has a bubble of air or fluid on her lung. They’ve inserted a chest tube to drain it. As soon as they inserted it, the bubble was gone. Thank you Lord! They’ve also put her on pain meds, mainly b/c she’s trying too hard to do everything on her own and they need her to rest. Silly girl. Wish I could see her again.
My mom left. They’re gone. What on earth will we do? We’re over an hour away from Avary. Our kids will be dragged here and there and what about meals and EVERYTHING??? I’ve been in bed all day crying, which is probably why this headache is still here. I can’t even think. I want to be w/ Avary, but I can barely open my eyes right now. Please God, take this headache away. I’m useless to anyone right now.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Well, yet another day that I can’t see the child that is alone right now. I awoke this morning sick again from the headache. Went to the doctor, was taken immediately to the hospital for surgery……… yep, surgery! Come to find out, I had spinal fluid leaking, caused from the spinal block for my c-section on Monday. They had to do a C-Patch, where they find the leak, take blood from my arm, use it to block the leak….. as soon as they patched the leak, the headache was GONE! It was amazing! Praise God that He took care of that. But, I have to lie on my back for 24 hours now. Nice. No one is here to help w/ the kids, Avary’s lying in the hospital alone.
Derrick has been to see her daily. I think I’m jealous. Money is getting tight. How on earth will we afford daily trips to St. Louis, eating out, gas, etc. etc.??? This is not good. God, please provide the money that we need to do this. I want to see my baby! Poor Jax does not understand why mommy can’t hold him, why I have to lay down all day. Poor Chloe; she is worried about Avary, worried about mommy… there are too many tears right now. Too many worries. Life has to get easier, right? Things will get better right??? I’m realizing this is not a dream. This is reality. We’ve got to get up and do this. How? I’m not sure. Well, I am. God. He’s my Rock. He’s my Fortress. He’s my Shelter. I can cry to Him. I can shout to Him. And He’s there. He’s always there.
Avary is well today, not too many changes. “She’s a fighter”, we keep hearing from the nurses. OH, the nurses……… have I mentioned how amazing they are??? When I called earlier to check on Avary, I broke down, telling the nurse I wish I could be there and asking her not to think badly of me as a mother, and when Derrick came home from visiting, he brought a card that Avary’s nurse had made me w/ a picture of Avary and her footprints, saying, “I love you mommy, Love Avary”……… too sweet! Thank you, Jesus for Avary’s nurses.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
YAY! We went to see Avary today!!!! Only my second time to see my sweet baby girl. We took the kids of course, thank goodness for the awesome sibling playrooms in the hospital… Chloe and Jax had a BLAST! And I got to spend some time w/ Avary. She’s amazing. She’s beautiful! She’s mine. And yet, she doesn’t feel like mine. Does she know she has a mommy??
She’s doing well under the circumstances... “she’s feisty” is about all we hear from the nurses. She’s lost a bit of weight of course, down to 2lbs,2oz., but that’s normal.
Derrick’s mom and dad came up tonight and brought the kids’ Christmas gifts. We had a really nice time, it was just too short. It just seems unfair that Avary can’t be here. She’s laying up there, covered in tubes and fighting, and here we are opening gifts and it’s just unfair. Everyone says she doesn’t know, and I know that, but I know, and since I know I feel like she knows. Did that make sense?! Anyways, it’s hard to sleep thinking about it.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
We went to church today; it was nice to have a bit of normal today. Although it was weird. Lots of questions from many people, but also lots of uplifting stories of preemies they’ve known, etc. And of course it was the Christmas service, so it was very nice. The kids were glad to be back to a bit of normal also; they love the church, which is awesome
I GOT TO HOLD AVARY TODAY!!!!!! It was amazing. It was scary. It was surreal. But it was cloud nine. Finally. She is tinier than she looks. Her bottom fits in the palm of my hand. She’s got LONG fingers and toes (gets that from me!). The nurses are always saying that she’s always moving, kicking, grabbing, etc. The whole 20 minutes that she was laying against my chest, she never moved an inch. I wondered if she recognized my heart beat, my voice….. they say she does. I hope so. Oh man, she’s just solos tiny; it’s unreal. I mean, she’s 2 pounds…….. insane, right?! Anyways, feeling her against me was amazing. I think for both of us. Hopefully. It’s harder to leave her now that I’ve held her. I wanted to run w/ her. My Grandpa said, when I told him about how still she was during our first bonding experience, that she was still b/c she was ‘Home’. I like that. I wish she could feel that more often. Poor sweet thing.
The kids are a bit uncomfortable around her still. They picked out a stocking for her to keep at the hospital, and Chloe and I hope to find some fleece to make a few blankets for Avary for Christmas. We can put our own blankness in her ‘bed’, so we thought it would be nice to make some. Chloe’s excited When we pulled up to the hospital today, Jax said, “This Ivy’s home?” UGH. Heartbreaker. Yeah, I guess this is her home, for now…. makes me want to throw up to say that.
Monday, December 24, 2007
*sigh* It’s Christmas Eve. We went to the hospital early in the day. Avary is well, still being weaned a bit each day on the ventilator, she began getting my milk through a feeding tube last night and is stomaching it well. Thank you Jesus! I got to hold her a whole HOUR today!! We both fell asleep. It’s so relaxing to hold your baby close to your skin… it just feels so right, you know? I can remember falling asleep all the time while holding Jax and Chloe as babies… it’s almost therapeutic. But, I had to hand her over once again. By the way, she’s one week old today One week old and should be 30 weeks gestation. Unreal.
Tonight was torture. We opened gifts and it just seemed unfair and wrong and weird. I thought of Avary the whole time. I tried to hold it together for the kiddos, but I was a wreck. Every little thing made me break down all day today. She should be here w/ us. My poor baby girl. Praise God she won’t remember any of this. We are so blessed though. We have our health, our home, we have family, although we’re all spread apart tonight, which stinks, we do have one another. And, we still have God to thank for sending His Son to save us. We watched The Nativity tonight; I love that movie. Think of Mary, how scared she must have been. And then to think of what she went through in watching her son go through torture and crucifixion. And I think I’ve got it bad. It’s selfishness partially. I want my baby to be w/ me. But mostly I just feel so badly for her. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy and okay. Please God, help me to count my blessings in all of this. Please be with Avary and keep your wings of protection upon her; from the top of her tiny head to the tips of her skinny little toes… thank you Lord for your Son, for this celebration of His birth, and forgive me for not putting that first tonight. I love you, Father, and I thank you for strength… I need a bit more please.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas. I wish there were an exclamation on the end of that. I’m sorry. Christmas has been okay. I want to be in Oklahoma w/ family. I want Avary to be with us, or rather yet, still growing inside of me. I want things to be normal. What is normal? I’ve no idea now. Don’t think I will for some time. Forgive me, Father God, b/c I actually said to myself last night, “Merry Stinking Christmas”… how awful of me. I’m so sorry. But it’s what I felt at the time. Santa brought the kids exactly what they wanted (imagine that) and I felt bad that we had to drag them out to the hospital yet again. They are tired. We are tired. This too shall pass. I hope and pray.
Praise God my mom is coming tomorrow for a few days. The kids can stay home and hopefully Derrick and I can get some more time in w/ Avary. We’ve tried to make this Christmas as good as possible for the kids. We should be w/ family; Chloe knows the difference. I feel terrible for them, especially for her. I had a talk w/ her tonight about how much I love her and how sorry I am that life is upside-down right now. She made me the cutest picture, w/ two band-aids on it. She said she didn’t know how to spell ‘Get well’, but that she was thinking it while she colored it, ha! So sweet! She said she hopes I can quit crying soon and that my cut will heal soon so I can laugh again… the last few days she’s been putting on shows for me while I pump (gotta have some entertainment for 20 minutes every three hours, HA), and they make me laugh so hard, but it hurts sooo badly to laugh. She’s a sweetheart. She’s colored many cards for Avary’s room as well, and is such an awesome big sister to Jax. I couldn’t ask for better Jax got drums for Christmas… yeah, nice. Glad my headache’s gone, ha!
I finally made a big meal tonight when we got home. I felt since it was Christmas and I hadn’t in a week, it would be nice. It was nice to sit at our table and have a real meal, but it didn’t feel normal. Nothing will until we get our baby home. I feel… empty. Empty. That’s it. I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, and yet I don’t have a baby in my arms. Something’s wrong w/ that picture. I yearn for a day w/ no tears. We met a couple whose daughter was born 11 weeks early and is now 5 ½ weeks old… Lisa is her name and she has become a rock to me. It’s nice to hear her tell me that all of this will pass, that things will get better, and the days will get easier… I pray so.
Avary was not feeling the greatest today, she’s had some gaggy issues and they may back off of the milk a bit. She’s been getting 1 ml every three hours, but they may cut back. We’ll see. I cried the whole time I held her today; it hurt so badly to know she didn’t feel well, on top of already having so many issues. My poor sweet girl. Derrick held her today! He was a bit nervous, plus she spit up and it made him really uncomfortable. I’m glad he held her though. She really looks tiny in his arms! We didn’t stay long; the kids were antsy today, understandably so. It hurts so badly to leave her. So badly. Please God, let this become easier. PLEASE. I don’t know that I have the strength to do this for several weeks. Avary has her first brain scan Thursday and I’m a nervous wreck. I know God is taking care of her. I know He has a plan. I’m still nervous. God give me strength. God give me strength. Thank you, Lord for strength. I need you now, Lord. Be with me now. I feel as though I’ve stepped out of my life and am living in someone else’s. But it’s mine. It’s our new life, we must live it. Day to day, mind you, but we must live it. We are blessed, and this will all pass. I just pray for time to pass quickly; not that I’m praying our lives away, but you know.
The hospital just called and Avary got her ventilator off, PRAISE GOD! She’s now on a C-Pap (I think that’s what it’s called), which basically will just help her to breathe if she forgets to. Great news! She also digested her last feeding, which is great. Thank you, Jesus for this news tonight. Although I want her here w/ me, I’m thankful that her condition is well. Praise God. Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
BOO!
Okay, no one pass out, please. I know, I know..... it's been what? A year or so since I've posted?? Ha, not really of course since I've only been a blogger for a few months, but it seems like it's been awhile since my last blog. I apologize. I have some good excuses, actually just one.... my computer has been out of commission, but it is back in business! Woohooooo! I've been able to QUICKLY check email through my computer at work, but there's not time there to even email anyone back hardly :( Sooooooooooooo, please accept my apologies and I hope to be back in the swing of blogging often :)
Okay, I'm not even sure where to start w/ an update; so much has gone on since I've last blogged! Chloe started kindergarten (waaah), I started my new job....... the list is loooooooooong, let me tell ya!
Chloe........ I'll post some first day pics soon.......... let me just say she looked adorable! She did better than expected on her first day. There were tears........ mostly from Derrick and I....... but not in front of her of course! She seemed very serious all morning, and then when she sat in her seat, the tears started flowing :( She just sat there, w/ a very serious stare, w/ tears flowing down her cheeks :( Walking out of that classroom was the hardest thing so far I've done as a parent! I don't think I'm kidding! Whew. I had a dr. appt. that day, so Derrick and I spent the day doing that and every 10 minutes or so, one of us would say, "What do you think Chloe's doing?"..... and the waterworks would start back up again, HAAAAAAA! We are such dorks! Anyways, she's cool w/ school now; for the first couple of weeks, she didn't like it b/c it was 'boring'. Sorry kiddo, you've got 12 years of boredom ahead if you think KINDERGARTEN is boring! I kid you not, she said her fave part of the day was lunch and naptime, HAAAAAAA! Well, actually when she mentioned naptime being her fave part, we decided we'd better send her to bed an hour earlier than her set bedtime, ha! And yes, she raves about the goulash...... wow...... what a kid! I could be spending alot less time on dinner if I'd known that earlier! Hehe!
Jax is doing great as well........ let's just say, he's almost 2! He's a little sweetheart though; he's my cuddler and such a mama's boy...... gotta love it! He's talking soooooooo much now; it's amazing how quickly that takes place! His words are so adorable, and he loves to be protective of his big sissy! It's so cracks me up how they can be going back and forth arguing, but the minute I get onto one of them, the other is quick to stand up for their sibling! I love it!
The pregnancy is going well, still a few problems, but the doctor thinks that everything will be okay. I know it will. We will hopefully find out next week what we're having! Can't wait!!!! I would love to have a bit more energy; my new job is demanding and I have zero energy left at the end of the day, but life goes on :)
Well, I need to get off of here for now, I have sooooooooooo many blogs written down that I need to get busy on! I'll try to get to them quickly :)
Love and miss all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm not even sure where to start w/ an update; so much has gone on since I've last blogged! Chloe started kindergarten (waaah), I started my new job....... the list is loooooooooong, let me tell ya!
Chloe........ I'll post some first day pics soon.......... let me just say she looked adorable! She did better than expected on her first day. There were tears........ mostly from Derrick and I....... but not in front of her of course! She seemed very serious all morning, and then when she sat in her seat, the tears started flowing :( She just sat there, w/ a very serious stare, w/ tears flowing down her cheeks :( Walking out of that classroom was the hardest thing so far I've done as a parent! I don't think I'm kidding! Whew. I had a dr. appt. that day, so Derrick and I spent the day doing that and every 10 minutes or so, one of us would say, "What do you think Chloe's doing?"..... and the waterworks would start back up again, HAAAAAAA! We are such dorks! Anyways, she's cool w/ school now; for the first couple of weeks, she didn't like it b/c it was 'boring'. Sorry kiddo, you've got 12 years of boredom ahead if you think KINDERGARTEN is boring! I kid you not, she said her fave part of the day was lunch and naptime, HAAAAAAA! Well, actually when she mentioned naptime being her fave part, we decided we'd better send her to bed an hour earlier than her set bedtime, ha! And yes, she raves about the goulash...... wow...... what a kid! I could be spending alot less time on dinner if I'd known that earlier! Hehe!
Jax is doing great as well........ let's just say, he's almost 2! He's a little sweetheart though; he's my cuddler and such a mama's boy...... gotta love it! He's talking soooooooo much now; it's amazing how quickly that takes place! His words are so adorable, and he loves to be protective of his big sissy! It's so cracks me up how they can be going back and forth arguing, but the minute I get onto one of them, the other is quick to stand up for their sibling! I love it!
The pregnancy is going well, still a few problems, but the doctor thinks that everything will be okay. I know it will. We will hopefully find out next week what we're having! Can't wait!!!! I would love to have a bit more energy; my new job is demanding and I have zero energy left at the end of the day, but life goes on :)
Well, I need to get off of here for now, I have sooooooooooo many blogs written down that I need to get busy on! I'll try to get to them quickly :)
Love and miss all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Be still my heart!
Well, let the motherly pride continue from yesterday.........
Yesterday evening on the way home Chloe asked me to listen to my Selah cd, b/c she loves the African music they play on a few of the songs. By the way, for those who don't know, Chloe has long had an obsession with other countries; we had a Chinese birthday party last year, she's constantly asking to go to Africa, China, all sorts of various places around the world. She has, for more than a year, asked questions daily about the lives of people in these countries, where they live, what they wear, etc. ANYWAYS, so we're listening to the cd and she says, "Hey mom, wanna know what I'm going to be when I grow up? A Missionary!"
*TEARS*!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's my girl! What is so funny is that when she started this obsession, Derrick and I began to really pray for her future, for God to mold her into what He has planned for her, and it's always been in our minds that she may be a missionary one day, just b/c of her interests.
Would that not be awesome?! Derrick and I tease that b/c Chloe is so animated and dramatic that she'll probably develop her own really cool way of spreading the Gospel and reach kids in a way that no one else could!
I think our kids' futures are definitely a Prayer Priority. God has such an awesome plan in store for each of them, and we must pray that they continue on His path so that each plan will one day be fulfilled!
Love you all!
Yesterday evening on the way home Chloe asked me to listen to my Selah cd, b/c she loves the African music they play on a few of the songs. By the way, for those who don't know, Chloe has long had an obsession with other countries; we had a Chinese birthday party last year, she's constantly asking to go to Africa, China, all sorts of various places around the world. She has, for more than a year, asked questions daily about the lives of people in these countries, where they live, what they wear, etc. ANYWAYS, so we're listening to the cd and she says, "Hey mom, wanna know what I'm going to be when I grow up? A Missionary!"
*TEARS*!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's my girl! What is so funny is that when she started this obsession, Derrick and I began to really pray for her future, for God to mold her into what He has planned for her, and it's always been in our minds that she may be a missionary one day, just b/c of her interests.
Would that not be awesome?! Derrick and I tease that b/c Chloe is so animated and dramatic that she'll probably develop her own really cool way of spreading the Gospel and reach kids in a way that no one else could!
I think our kids' futures are definitely a Prayer Priority. God has such an awesome plan in store for each of them, and we must pray that they continue on His path so that each plan will one day be fulfilled!
Love you all!
Monday, July 30, 2007
*sniff, sniff*
My baby's growing up...... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah :( Okay, so I'm dealing w/ a bit of sadness about my baby girl growing up on me so quickly. Well, I hate to say sadness, b/c it's exciting to see who she's becoming, but in a way, it is sad. First of all, she turns 6 next week. SIX. SIX YEARS OLD! That's impossible, right?! I mean, it WAS just yesterday that my screams could be heard throughout an entire hospital before giving birth to an 8lb., 4oz. princess. I know it was yesterday. Crazy.
If you know Chloe, you know that these six years have not gone by boring! She's sensitive yet strong. She has the most vivid imagination that I have ever seen. She's dramatic...... and that's an understatement. She's 5 going on 15. Or 25. She scares me with her wit! It should be an interesting life. I can say that Chloe makes each day new and exciting and...... like I said, NOT boring! I wouldn't want her any other way. (well, ask me later, ha, just kidding!)
Secondly, she starts KINDERGARTEN in TWO WEEKS........... nooooooooooooooooooooooo! I'm really stressing about this one. She's ready of course, already knows what type of outfit she needs me to buy for her to wear on the first day, has asked me to bake cupcakes for her class for the first day (ha), has been practicing her letters and such. She's so ready. Me? HA! It literally makes me stomach turn to think about it :( It's SCHOOL. School. Not a playdate. School. Eww, that word! This has been a top prayer priority for some time for me. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous about it. I keep thinking dumb things like, "What if someone says something mean to her?", or, "What if she's wearing an outfit that is difficult to button and she's worried about coming out of the bathroom?"...... why?! I need to surrender all of these silly worries to God and let them go, but it's sooooo hard! She's my BABY!!!!!!
Have you ever watched your child do or say something and it seems as though you're watching them in a dream, your vision is all glazed over and it feels surreal that this is your baby?? Let me explain........ Chloe attended a Vacation Bible School last week at a local church and last night was the 'program'. Well, all week I'd been asking her to sing me the songs she was learning and she'd refuse, telling me it was all a surprise for the program. Okay, that's not unlike Chloe to make everything dramatic, we already know that, right? So her class sings a couple of cute little songs and then the lady in charge of music took the microphone and said that she was so proud of the kindergarten class b/c they had to learn something very difficult along w/ the second grade class. So the second grade class joins Chloe's class and they start this touching song, and all the kids begin doing sign language to this song! (for those of you that don't know, sign language is something very dear to me; I took classes in college and love to sign to songs for church, etc.) So you can imagine how that touched me! I was in tears! And Chloe did SO WELL! I was sitting there thinking, "Oh my goodness, God has given this girl a natural talent for this!" Her hands just flowed gracefully and it appeared to come soooooo naturally to her. And she's so little, it just sent chills down me! It just seemed to be a sort of wake up call: That is my daughter. She's growing up. She's talented. She's smart. She's beautiful. And she's mine. That IS my baby. She'll always be my 'baby'. But I have to also let her grow into what God has planned for her. It's time to start letting go just a bit. Not too much! But I have to trust and pray that God will handle it; He knows best, and I know that.
Okay, now that I've washed my face in tears, I'll end this blog. I pray strength for all the mommies today :)
If you know Chloe, you know that these six years have not gone by boring! She's sensitive yet strong. She has the most vivid imagination that I have ever seen. She's dramatic...... and that's an understatement. She's 5 going on 15. Or 25. She scares me with her wit! It should be an interesting life. I can say that Chloe makes each day new and exciting and...... like I said, NOT boring! I wouldn't want her any other way. (well, ask me later, ha, just kidding!)
Secondly, she starts KINDERGARTEN in TWO WEEKS........... nooooooooooooooooooooooo! I'm really stressing about this one. She's ready of course, already knows what type of outfit she needs me to buy for her to wear on the first day, has asked me to bake cupcakes for her class for the first day (ha), has been practicing her letters and such. She's so ready. Me? HA! It literally makes me stomach turn to think about it :( It's SCHOOL. School. Not a playdate. School. Eww, that word! This has been a top prayer priority for some time for me. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous about it. I keep thinking dumb things like, "What if someone says something mean to her?", or, "What if she's wearing an outfit that is difficult to button and she's worried about coming out of the bathroom?"...... why?! I need to surrender all of these silly worries to God and let them go, but it's sooooo hard! She's my BABY!!!!!!
Have you ever watched your child do or say something and it seems as though you're watching them in a dream, your vision is all glazed over and it feels surreal that this is your baby?? Let me explain........ Chloe attended a Vacation Bible School last week at a local church and last night was the 'program'. Well, all week I'd been asking her to sing me the songs she was learning and she'd refuse, telling me it was all a surprise for the program. Okay, that's not unlike Chloe to make everything dramatic, we already know that, right? So her class sings a couple of cute little songs and then the lady in charge of music took the microphone and said that she was so proud of the kindergarten class b/c they had to learn something very difficult along w/ the second grade class. So the second grade class joins Chloe's class and they start this touching song, and all the kids begin doing sign language to this song! (for those of you that don't know, sign language is something very dear to me; I took classes in college and love to sign to songs for church, etc.) So you can imagine how that touched me! I was in tears! And Chloe did SO WELL! I was sitting there thinking, "Oh my goodness, God has given this girl a natural talent for this!" Her hands just flowed gracefully and it appeared to come soooooo naturally to her. And she's so little, it just sent chills down me! It just seemed to be a sort of wake up call: That is my daughter. She's growing up. She's talented. She's smart. She's beautiful. And she's mine. That IS my baby. She'll always be my 'baby'. But I have to also let her grow into what God has planned for her. It's time to start letting go just a bit. Not too much! But I have to trust and pray that God will handle it; He knows best, and I know that.
Okay, now that I've washed my face in tears, I'll end this blog. I pray strength for all the mommies today :)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Almost forgot!
Remember in the post before last, I mentioned something else that I wanted to share? Well, I forgot, imagine that, ha! I've been meaning to post about this for some time but w/ all that's been going on, I haven't.
I got a new job!!! I applied for a job at Vo-Tech in a town near us, which is a vocational trade school. I applied in the Culinary Dept. and was taking a big chance even applying, b/c I have no culinary qualifications other than having decorated cakes from home for the last five years. Well, I got the job! I will be the Culinary Arts Instructor's Assistant (can you say mouthful?!), and after one year on the job, I can take my certification exam and be hired on as an instructor, possibly there, since the instructor plans to retire after this year. It is a state job, so my benefits are awesome, PLUS, I will get all of the school breaks off-- Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, summer break....... this THRILLS me since Chloe is starting kindergarten next month!!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooo excited about this position! I have wanted to attend culinary school for years, and this is basically working while gaining my instruction, which is even better ;) If I have to work, I think this is an ideal situation since I will get the same breaks that Chloe will have, so I can be home w/ my kiddos during those times! COOL!
Also, say a little prayer for Derrick; he will soon be taking his teaching certification exam ( I know, it's late in the summer for this, but we just found out that he had enough education courses back in college that he can actually become certified if he passes the exams!) He is of course still praying for a full time ministry position, but until that happens, he would love to teach science (he initially went to college for this and changed majors near the end!).
Anyways, just wanted to let everyone know! My first day on the new job is Aug. 1st :) Bye Bye pharmacy, wahoooooooo! Just teasing, this has been a great job as well, and I have an awesome boss here, but the new job is one of my dreams, so I'm very excited!
I got a new job!!! I applied for a job at Vo-Tech in a town near us, which is a vocational trade school. I applied in the Culinary Dept. and was taking a big chance even applying, b/c I have no culinary qualifications other than having decorated cakes from home for the last five years. Well, I got the job! I will be the Culinary Arts Instructor's Assistant (can you say mouthful?!), and after one year on the job, I can take my certification exam and be hired on as an instructor, possibly there, since the instructor plans to retire after this year. It is a state job, so my benefits are awesome, PLUS, I will get all of the school breaks off-- Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, summer break....... this THRILLS me since Chloe is starting kindergarten next month!!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooo excited about this position! I have wanted to attend culinary school for years, and this is basically working while gaining my instruction, which is even better ;) If I have to work, I think this is an ideal situation since I will get the same breaks that Chloe will have, so I can be home w/ my kiddos during those times! COOL!
Also, say a little prayer for Derrick; he will soon be taking his teaching certification exam ( I know, it's late in the summer for this, but we just found out that he had enough education courses back in college that he can actually become certified if he passes the exams!) He is of course still praying for a full time ministry position, but until that happens, he would love to teach science (he initially went to college for this and changed majors near the end!).
Anyways, just wanted to let everyone know! My first day on the new job is Aug. 1st :) Bye Bye pharmacy, wahoooooooo! Just teasing, this has been a great job as well, and I have an awesome boss here, but the new job is one of my dreams, so I'm very excited!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Brace Yourself......
Okay, so when life takes you on an emotional roller coaster, buckle up tightly, b/c it's a crazy ride. Our roller coaster has gone from 60 mph to 120 mph in a matter of hours. First of all, let me say, when God says to praise Him in the storm, PRAISE HIM IN THE STORM. Praise Him, regardless of what life throws your way, PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE HIM. Let me tell you why :)
Okay, so if you're reading this and have not yet read the blog entitled 'He gives and He takes away', read that BEFORE reading this.
Now that you've read the other blog, brace yourself! So we knew that the baby had no heartbeat, we knew that if my body did not do it's job, then I was going to have a D & C on the 25th, and we also knew, from my ultrasound last Wed., that there was a mystery sack of fluid in my uterus that the dr. kind of shrugged off and said he'd keep an eye on. Well, Saturday night I ran fever all night and even through Sunday morning did not feel well; I was very nauseated, but got up and went to church. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot at church, I started vomiting. I told Derrick to go ahead and take the kids to class and go to the sanctuary himself, and that if I needed to go home I'd send someone to get him. So I stayed in the foyer, close to the bathroom b/c I had gotten sick three times in about half an hour since we'd been there. I had just come out of the bathroom and sat down in a chair and a lady whom we work w/ in youth came out of the sanctuary and asked if I was okay. I told her I just didn't feel well and she kept asking what was going on. (we hadn't told anyone from the church about all of our issues yet, we had just requested prayer from the pastor for an unspoken need). So I began to cry and told her about everything, from the beginning, and she grabbed my arm and said, "Come w/ me, we are going to pray", so we walk to the front of the sanctuary and tons of people begin to gather around, almost like they knew, without knowing, you know?! Well, w/ lots of hands upon me the prayers lasted almost 20 minutes I think and during this time, the pastors wife came up to me (again, no one knew anything about what had happened), she put her hands around my stomach, and she said, "Father, I pray the blood of your Son, Jesus Christ upon this fetus; God, it is in your hands and we know that you have a will, take care of this fetus, Lord, take care of Crystal's body.......... " Later, I accused Derrick of telling someone but he had no either, it was a GOD THING that she knew that I was even carrying a fetus in me!
Well, I thought that maybe I should call my doctor Monday morning (yesterday) to let them know about the fever and the fact that I felt horribly nauseated and just plain not good. So, they told me that they needed to see me immediately, and also that in studying the ultrasound from Wed., the doctor saw that there were actually two sacks w/ two different fetus'....... WHAT?!?! So we head up there all bumfuzzled (is that a word?!). I tell the dr. about what has been going on, just a bit of spotting here and there, back pain, a bit of cramping, nothing major, plus the not feel well, vomiting, fever, etc. So all of a sudden, he says, "Come w/ me", and takes me into another room for yet another ultrasound. Great. So I have my eyes closed b/c I'm just so ready for all of this to be over with, and all of a sudden, the PA says, "Ummmm, I see a baby...... moving..... with a heartbeat....... a STRONG heartbeat!" WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!!!!!!!!!! So as I try to move my tongue from my throat, I utter out, "What?!", and I grab Derrick's arm and the PA is just shaking her head in disbelief. As she walks out, she says, "Oh, I am getting ready to BLOW your doctor's mind!" Oh my. Derrick and I are literally shaking and our minds are spinning...... we wait, and wait, and wait for the dr. to come back in. His words, "Wow; I have some crazy, awesome news, and some scary news." He has NO EXPLANATION of why or how the baby that just FIVE DAYS AGO had no heartbeat, and had quit growing three weeks ago, NOW, has a heartbeat and is EXACTLY WHERE IT SHOULD BE IN SIZE.............. ha, no explanation.......... I can't explain it either but I KNOW MY GOD CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, here's the run down on the 'scary news' as he put it...........
There were twins. (mind-blowing in itself) Two sacks, two fetus'. The one that didn't make it had some type of blood vessel or something burst in the sack, and the sack is now double the size that it was 5 days ago, and full of blood. He said that as quickly as it's growing, it could overtake the uterus and basically suffocate the other baby, or could burst and cause a bad infection for the living baby, so we are kind of on eggshells right now. He said there's nothing they can do to stop it from growing, nor to assist in draining out the blood at this time, b/c it's too risky. Basically, what's going to happen will happen regardless. So we go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to check on miracle baby, and to see the progress of the sack of blood. He said if miracle baby is okay, and the sack is still there, then we'd have to go from there to see what to do. He said it would be very risky to do anything for awhile, so basically just PRAY!!!!!
I cannot even explain to you how quickly my mind is spinning right now. Talk about a roller coaster, huh?! I don't even know what to say except NEVER underestimate the POWER OF GOD!!!!!!!!! Please continue to pray for us and for this little baby that is struggling to hang on :) If you've never heard the song "Praise You in the Storm" by Mercy Me, GO LISTEN TO IT!!!! That song gave me sooooooooooo much comfort the last couple of weeks, and my goodness, imagine if we'd not continued to praise HIM in this storm, if we'd questioned why He was letting this happen........... wow!
Dear God, thank you for your tremendous blessings. Thank you for our mountain days, our valley days, AND our canyon days, Lord. Help us to continue to reach out for your hand, b/c you know SO MUCH BETTER than we do what You want for us. Please wrap your wings of protection around this baby, Lord; have your will with it's life, however long that may be. Lord, thank you for taking care of the baby that did not make it; you knew what was best for it's life as well, and I know that he/she is in your presence right now, in a much better presence than I could have ever given. I ask Lord that you take care of my body in all that is going on. Help us to give it ALL to you, Lord. Every bit of it. Thank you for holding my hand, for not letting me go insane over the last couple of weeks. Thank you for comforting me, for giving me a peace that passeth all understanding. Lord, thank you for Michelle finding me in the foyer at church and for all of those that laid hands upon me in Your name. You are awesome God! Thank you for my children and my husband; may this bring us closer together in You, Lord. I love you and praise you above all. Amen.
Okay, so if you're reading this and have not yet read the blog entitled 'He gives and He takes away', read that BEFORE reading this.
Now that you've read the other blog, brace yourself! So we knew that the baby had no heartbeat, we knew that if my body did not do it's job, then I was going to have a D & C on the 25th, and we also knew, from my ultrasound last Wed., that there was a mystery sack of fluid in my uterus that the dr. kind of shrugged off and said he'd keep an eye on. Well, Saturday night I ran fever all night and even through Sunday morning did not feel well; I was very nauseated, but got up and went to church. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot at church, I started vomiting. I told Derrick to go ahead and take the kids to class and go to the sanctuary himself, and that if I needed to go home I'd send someone to get him. So I stayed in the foyer, close to the bathroom b/c I had gotten sick three times in about half an hour since we'd been there. I had just come out of the bathroom and sat down in a chair and a lady whom we work w/ in youth came out of the sanctuary and asked if I was okay. I told her I just didn't feel well and she kept asking what was going on. (we hadn't told anyone from the church about all of our issues yet, we had just requested prayer from the pastor for an unspoken need). So I began to cry and told her about everything, from the beginning, and she grabbed my arm and said, "Come w/ me, we are going to pray", so we walk to the front of the sanctuary and tons of people begin to gather around, almost like they knew, without knowing, you know?! Well, w/ lots of hands upon me the prayers lasted almost 20 minutes I think and during this time, the pastors wife came up to me (again, no one knew anything about what had happened), she put her hands around my stomach, and she said, "Father, I pray the blood of your Son, Jesus Christ upon this fetus; God, it is in your hands and we know that you have a will, take care of this fetus, Lord, take care of Crystal's body.......... " Later, I accused Derrick of telling someone but he had no either, it was a GOD THING that she knew that I was even carrying a fetus in me!
Well, I thought that maybe I should call my doctor Monday morning (yesterday) to let them know about the fever and the fact that I felt horribly nauseated and just plain not good. So, they told me that they needed to see me immediately, and also that in studying the ultrasound from Wed., the doctor saw that there were actually two sacks w/ two different fetus'....... WHAT?!?! So we head up there all bumfuzzled (is that a word?!). I tell the dr. about what has been going on, just a bit of spotting here and there, back pain, a bit of cramping, nothing major, plus the not feel well, vomiting, fever, etc. So all of a sudden, he says, "Come w/ me", and takes me into another room for yet another ultrasound. Great. So I have my eyes closed b/c I'm just so ready for all of this to be over with, and all of a sudden, the PA says, "Ummmm, I see a baby...... moving..... with a heartbeat....... a STRONG heartbeat!" WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!!!!!!!!!! So as I try to move my tongue from my throat, I utter out, "What?!", and I grab Derrick's arm and the PA is just shaking her head in disbelief. As she walks out, she says, "Oh, I am getting ready to BLOW your doctor's mind!" Oh my. Derrick and I are literally shaking and our minds are spinning...... we wait, and wait, and wait for the dr. to come back in. His words, "Wow; I have some crazy, awesome news, and some scary news." He has NO EXPLANATION of why or how the baby that just FIVE DAYS AGO had no heartbeat, and had quit growing three weeks ago, NOW, has a heartbeat and is EXACTLY WHERE IT SHOULD BE IN SIZE.............. ha, no explanation.......... I can't explain it either but I KNOW MY GOD CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, here's the run down on the 'scary news' as he put it...........
There were twins. (mind-blowing in itself) Two sacks, two fetus'. The one that didn't make it had some type of blood vessel or something burst in the sack, and the sack is now double the size that it was 5 days ago, and full of blood. He said that as quickly as it's growing, it could overtake the uterus and basically suffocate the other baby, or could burst and cause a bad infection for the living baby, so we are kind of on eggshells right now. He said there's nothing they can do to stop it from growing, nor to assist in draining out the blood at this time, b/c it's too risky. Basically, what's going to happen will happen regardless. So we go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to check on miracle baby, and to see the progress of the sack of blood. He said if miracle baby is okay, and the sack is still there, then we'd have to go from there to see what to do. He said it would be very risky to do anything for awhile, so basically just PRAY!!!!!
I cannot even explain to you how quickly my mind is spinning right now. Talk about a roller coaster, huh?! I don't even know what to say except NEVER underestimate the POWER OF GOD!!!!!!!!! Please continue to pray for us and for this little baby that is struggling to hang on :) If you've never heard the song "Praise You in the Storm" by Mercy Me, GO LISTEN TO IT!!!! That song gave me sooooooooooo much comfort the last couple of weeks, and my goodness, imagine if we'd not continued to praise HIM in this storm, if we'd questioned why He was letting this happen........... wow!
Dear God, thank you for your tremendous blessings. Thank you for our mountain days, our valley days, AND our canyon days, Lord. Help us to continue to reach out for your hand, b/c you know SO MUCH BETTER than we do what You want for us. Please wrap your wings of protection around this baby, Lord; have your will with it's life, however long that may be. Lord, thank you for taking care of the baby that did not make it; you knew what was best for it's life as well, and I know that he/she is in your presence right now, in a much better presence than I could have ever given. I ask Lord that you take care of my body in all that is going on. Help us to give it ALL to you, Lord. Every bit of it. Thank you for holding my hand, for not letting me go insane over the last couple of weeks. Thank you for comforting me, for giving me a peace that passeth all understanding. Lord, thank you for Michelle finding me in the foyer at church and for all of those that laid hands upon me in Your name. You are awesome God! Thank you for my children and my husband; may this bring us closer together in You, Lord. I love you and praise you above all. Amen.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
He gives and He takes away
You know how when your children are young (or not), and they become sad or hurt, and they just want to climb into your lap and be cuddled, held, babied, and feel secure? Well, for the last week and a half I have wanted to climb into my Heavenly Father's lap, suck my thumb, and sit in peace while He comforts my hurts, makes my boo-boos all better. God's good at that.......... what isn't He good at?!?!
I battled back and forth about whether or not to even tell anyone about this particular 'boo-boo' on my heart, but I believe that God wants us to praise Him in every storm and use our storms to benefit others in need. So maybe God wants to use this, and can't unless I voice it.
Derrick and I found out almost three weeks ago that we were expecting baby #3. Shocker....... seriously, we were majorly....... in shock. I could not get my mind wrapped around having another baby of our own. My body does not agree w/ pregnancy, I was not even supposed to be able to have anymore children after Chloe, and God blessed us w/ Jax, and after that we've been saving for Derrick to get 'fixed' (ha) so as to prevent my body from any more pregnancy stress. On top of that, we've been slowly getting into adoption, so we were just......... well, shocked, ha!
Fast forward to now (I'm going to make a VERY long story short, well, somewhat!)........... after over a week of lots of pain, tears, 3 ultrasounds, lots of bloodwork, and blah, we finally found out yesterday for sure that the baby no longer has a heartbeat. The doc's went back and forth deciding whether or not everything was okay, and after a very long week and a half of being on a majorly stressful emotional roller coaster, we finally know for sure and can now begin to get on w/ things. I guess it was really to be expected, since when we got pregnant w/ Jax, the doctor warned us of that happening b/c of all the scar tissue that is built up on the walls of my uterus from my 'female' problems. (for those of you who don't know, a couple of years after I had Chloe I had a lot of problems and after a couple of years of problems, the doc scheduled a hysterectomy, I cancelled it the week before, was prayed for at church for the zillionth time, and three months later, my problems had stopped and I was pregnant w/ Jax! The doc warned us though that I had so much scar tissue built up that the placenta probably wouldn't attach to the uterine wall correctly, but God prevailed and Jax is perfectly healthy!) The problem now is that my body is not ridding of everything on its own, so the doctor is giving me another couple of weeks to do so, and if not then I will have a D&C on July 25th. According to ultrasound, the baby quit growing at 6 weeks, which means the heartbeat has already been stopped for almost three weeks (basically around the time I found out I was pregnant), so my body should've already done it's job, but hopefully it will before the 25th.
God knows best, and I do not doubt that for one second. I will praise Him in this, and many other storms in life I'm sure! We will one day be stronger b/c of this situation. It's funny how you say you don't want more kids, and then get excited when you find out you are, only to find out you're not....... life. And, I shouldn't say we didn't want more kids; if my body agreed w/ pregnancy, I would love to have more kiddos. But I have horrible pregnancies (16, count it-16- weeks of bedrest w/ Chloe.... ick!) Thus, our reason for looking into adoption...... well, that and the fact that we feel led towards adoption ;) Soooooooooo, the plan is that when my new insurance kicks in, I will be getting my tubes tied (doctor ordered). I am okay w/ that now. It's not fair to my kiddos for thier mommy to be in bed for months or to have miscarriage after miscarriage all for the sake of having another one of our 'own' children. We are content with our decision and we know that God will bless us either way :)
There is a song by......... oh wow, I'm totally at blank right now....... anyways, it's called Blessed Be The Name....... part of the chorus is, "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name"....... that sums it up I guess :) One of my favorite scriptures has always been Psalms 91:2 "... the Lord is my refuge and my fortress..."; I have definitely found solace in this!
So, I apologize for the lack of blogging lately....... as you can see life has had other things going. I hope all is well w/ all my beautiful friends........ I also have a praise blog, so I will try to get to that later......... love you all!!!!
I battled back and forth about whether or not to even tell anyone about this particular 'boo-boo' on my heart, but I believe that God wants us to praise Him in every storm and use our storms to benefit others in need. So maybe God wants to use this, and can't unless I voice it.
Derrick and I found out almost three weeks ago that we were expecting baby #3. Shocker....... seriously, we were majorly....... in shock. I could not get my mind wrapped around having another baby of our own. My body does not agree w/ pregnancy, I was not even supposed to be able to have anymore children after Chloe, and God blessed us w/ Jax, and after that we've been saving for Derrick to get 'fixed' (ha) so as to prevent my body from any more pregnancy stress. On top of that, we've been slowly getting into adoption, so we were just......... well, shocked, ha!
Fast forward to now (I'm going to make a VERY long story short, well, somewhat!)........... after over a week of lots of pain, tears, 3 ultrasounds, lots of bloodwork, and blah, we finally found out yesterday for sure that the baby no longer has a heartbeat. The doc's went back and forth deciding whether or not everything was okay, and after a very long week and a half of being on a majorly stressful emotional roller coaster, we finally know for sure and can now begin to get on w/ things. I guess it was really to be expected, since when we got pregnant w/ Jax, the doctor warned us of that happening b/c of all the scar tissue that is built up on the walls of my uterus from my 'female' problems. (for those of you who don't know, a couple of years after I had Chloe I had a lot of problems and after a couple of years of problems, the doc scheduled a hysterectomy, I cancelled it the week before, was prayed for at church for the zillionth time, and three months later, my problems had stopped and I was pregnant w/ Jax! The doc warned us though that I had so much scar tissue built up that the placenta probably wouldn't attach to the uterine wall correctly, but God prevailed and Jax is perfectly healthy!) The problem now is that my body is not ridding of everything on its own, so the doctor is giving me another couple of weeks to do so, and if not then I will have a D&C on July 25th. According to ultrasound, the baby quit growing at 6 weeks, which means the heartbeat has already been stopped for almost three weeks (basically around the time I found out I was pregnant), so my body should've already done it's job, but hopefully it will before the 25th.
God knows best, and I do not doubt that for one second. I will praise Him in this, and many other storms in life I'm sure! We will one day be stronger b/c of this situation. It's funny how you say you don't want more kids, and then get excited when you find out you are, only to find out you're not....... life. And, I shouldn't say we didn't want more kids; if my body agreed w/ pregnancy, I would love to have more kiddos. But I have horrible pregnancies (16, count it-16- weeks of bedrest w/ Chloe.... ick!) Thus, our reason for looking into adoption...... well, that and the fact that we feel led towards adoption ;) Soooooooooo, the plan is that when my new insurance kicks in, I will be getting my tubes tied (doctor ordered). I am okay w/ that now. It's not fair to my kiddos for thier mommy to be in bed for months or to have miscarriage after miscarriage all for the sake of having another one of our 'own' children. We are content with our decision and we know that God will bless us either way :)
There is a song by......... oh wow, I'm totally at blank right now....... anyways, it's called Blessed Be The Name....... part of the chorus is, "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name"....... that sums it up I guess :) One of my favorite scriptures has always been Psalms 91:2 "... the Lord is my refuge and my fortress..."; I have definitely found solace in this!
So, I apologize for the lack of blogging lately....... as you can see life has had other things going. I hope all is well w/ all my beautiful friends........ I also have a praise blog, so I will try to get to that later......... love you all!!!!
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