Monday, December 17, 2007
Avary Rhyan Hornback is born 11 weeks early, weighing 2lbs,4oz, 15in. long.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I came home from the hospital today. I’m feeling pretty good, but I strangely still feel pregnant. I was out during the c-sec., so I didn’t hear Avary cry, didn’t see her, nothing before she was whisked away. I feel good, so nothing is real to me. It is real to Derrick. He spent the night in St. Louis. He says Avary’s well, breathing on her own. But it’s not real to me. Did this really happen? Did I really give birth to my baby girl 11 weeks before her due date??? I felt strangely optimistic and fine today. Weird. My mom is here. Derrick’s mom is here. My kids are confused and excited to see me home. Do they realize they have a sister? No, b/c Jax is asking to kiss the baby in my tummy. Nice, how do you explain it to a 2 year old? I guess you don’t right now. I choose not to. In a way I want to go see my baby, yet in a way I don’t. If I don’t, does it make it not real? It’s not real, right? It’s just a dream. It has to be.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Derrick’s mom left today. My mom stayed w/ the kids while Derrick and I went to see Avary. I cried…… no, I bawled all the way up there. I was petrified. A 3 pound baby? No way. Not mine. I seriously did not want to see her. Is that terrible?? Yes and no maybe. Derrick wheeled me around the corner and I saw the incubator, the tubes, the blue light… please God, do not let this be real. Please wake me up now. I broke down as soon as we entered the room. Tubes, machines, noise, and underneath all of that, a tiny figure that I’m told is my child. After clearing the blur of tears from my eyes, I thought I would pass out at the sight of her. This beautiful, amazing, tiny human that is trying to survive. MY child, trying to survive, alive only by these machines, and of course, the glorious Grace of God. This beauty that was growing inside of me only two days ago, still needing growth and nourishment, now is in the outside world. It hurts. It hurts to know I can do nothing. I wanted to grab her and run. I finally spoke and wondered if she knew me. I touched her hand, no bigger itself than my thumbnail. Her feet, shorter than my pinky. Her head (covered in light brown curly hair by the way), as big as the palm of my hand. Breathe. On the way home I realize that this is life. I must step into it and live it. Ready or not, here it is.
Oh, Avary had to be put on an oscillator/ventilator… the nurses say she’s a feisty little fighter….. another one?! No, she needs to be. Praise God for her attitude!
We had ‘Christmas’ w/ my mom, her husband, my sister and my niece tonight. That was nice. I had a massive headache towards the end of the day though…… probably stress. I’m not even sure I’m feeling that everything is real yet. And I don’t even want to think about tomorrow… my mom and her clan leaves. Please God, I ask again, let this be a dream.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I awoke today w/ a headache that was horrible enough to keep me vomiting and in bed. Stress. I hate today. My mom leaves. I won’t make it without her here. Avary has a bubble of air or fluid on her lung. They’ve inserted a chest tube to drain it. As soon as they inserted it, the bubble was gone. Thank you Lord! They’ve also put her on pain meds, mainly b/c she’s trying too hard to do everything on her own and they need her to rest. Silly girl. Wish I could see her again.
My mom left. They’re gone. What on earth will we do? We’re over an hour away from Avary. Our kids will be dragged here and there and what about meals and EVERYTHING??? I’ve been in bed all day crying, which is probably why this headache is still here. I can’t even think. I want to be w/ Avary, but I can barely open my eyes right now. Please God, take this headache away. I’m useless to anyone right now.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Well, yet another day that I can’t see the child that is alone right now. I awoke this morning sick again from the headache. Went to the doctor, was taken immediately to the hospital for surgery……… yep, surgery! Come to find out, I had spinal fluid leaking, caused from the spinal block for my c-section on Monday. They had to do a C-Patch, where they find the leak, take blood from my arm, use it to block the leak….. as soon as they patched the leak, the headache was GONE! It was amazing! Praise God that He took care of that. But, I have to lie on my back for 24 hours now. Nice. No one is here to help w/ the kids, Avary’s lying in the hospital alone.
Derrick has been to see her daily. I think I’m jealous. Money is getting tight. How on earth will we afford daily trips to St. Louis, eating out, gas, etc. etc.??? This is not good. God, please provide the money that we need to do this. I want to see my baby! Poor Jax does not understand why mommy can’t hold him, why I have to lay down all day. Poor Chloe; she is worried about Avary, worried about mommy… there are too many tears right now. Too many worries. Life has to get easier, right? Things will get better right??? I’m realizing this is not a dream. This is reality. We’ve got to get up and do this. How? I’m not sure. Well, I am. God. He’s my Rock. He’s my Fortress. He’s my Shelter. I can cry to Him. I can shout to Him. And He’s there. He’s always there.
Avary is well today, not too many changes. “She’s a fighter”, we keep hearing from the nurses. OH, the nurses……… have I mentioned how amazing they are??? When I called earlier to check on Avary, I broke down, telling the nurse I wish I could be there and asking her not to think badly of me as a mother, and when Derrick came home from visiting, he brought a card that Avary’s nurse had made me w/ a picture of Avary and her footprints, saying, “I love you mommy, Love Avary”……… too sweet! Thank you, Jesus for Avary’s nurses.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
YAY! We went to see Avary today!!!! Only my second time to see my sweet baby girl. We took the kids of course, thank goodness for the awesome sibling playrooms in the hospital… Chloe and Jax had a BLAST! And I got to spend some time w/ Avary. She’s amazing. She’s beautiful! She’s mine. And yet, she doesn’t feel like mine. Does she know she has a mommy??
She’s doing well under the circumstances... “she’s feisty” is about all we hear from the nurses. She’s lost a bit of weight of course, down to 2lbs,2oz., but that’s normal.
Derrick’s mom and dad came up tonight and brought the kids’ Christmas gifts. We had a really nice time, it was just too short. It just seems unfair that Avary can’t be here. She’s laying up there, covered in tubes and fighting, and here we are opening gifts and it’s just unfair. Everyone says she doesn’t know, and I know that, but I know, and since I know I feel like she knows. Did that make sense?! Anyways, it’s hard to sleep thinking about it.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
We went to church today; it was nice to have a bit of normal today. Although it was weird. Lots of questions from many people, but also lots of uplifting stories of preemies they’ve known, etc. And of course it was the Christmas service, so it was very nice. The kids were glad to be back to a bit of normal also; they love the church, which is awesome
I GOT TO HOLD AVARY TODAY!!!!!! It was amazing. It was scary. It was surreal. But it was cloud nine. Finally. She is tinier than she looks. Her bottom fits in the palm of my hand. She’s got LONG fingers and toes (gets that from me!). The nurses are always saying that she’s always moving, kicking, grabbing, etc. The whole 20 minutes that she was laying against my chest, she never moved an inch. I wondered if she recognized my heart beat, my voice….. they say she does. I hope so. Oh man, she’s just solos tiny; it’s unreal. I mean, she’s 2 pounds…….. insane, right?! Anyways, feeling her against me was amazing. I think for both of us. Hopefully. It’s harder to leave her now that I’ve held her. I wanted to run w/ her. My Grandpa said, when I told him about how still she was during our first bonding experience, that she was still b/c she was ‘Home’. I like that. I wish she could feel that more often. Poor sweet thing.
The kids are a bit uncomfortable around her still. They picked out a stocking for her to keep at the hospital, and Chloe and I hope to find some fleece to make a few blankets for Avary for Christmas. We can put our own blankness in her ‘bed’, so we thought it would be nice to make some. Chloe’s excited When we pulled up to the hospital today, Jax said, “This Ivy’s home?” UGH. Heartbreaker. Yeah, I guess this is her home, for now…. makes me want to throw up to say that.
Monday, December 24, 2007
*sigh* It’s Christmas Eve. We went to the hospital early in the day. Avary is well, still being weaned a bit each day on the ventilator, she began getting my milk through a feeding tube last night and is stomaching it well. Thank you Jesus! I got to hold her a whole HOUR today!! We both fell asleep. It’s so relaxing to hold your baby close to your skin… it just feels so right, you know? I can remember falling asleep all the time while holding Jax and Chloe as babies… it’s almost therapeutic. But, I had to hand her over once again. By the way, she’s one week old today One week old and should be 30 weeks gestation. Unreal.
Tonight was torture. We opened gifts and it just seemed unfair and wrong and weird. I thought of Avary the whole time. I tried to hold it together for the kiddos, but I was a wreck. Every little thing made me break down all day today. She should be here w/ us. My poor baby girl. Praise God she won’t remember any of this. We are so blessed though. We have our health, our home, we have family, although we’re all spread apart tonight, which stinks, we do have one another. And, we still have God to thank for sending His Son to save us. We watched The Nativity tonight; I love that movie. Think of Mary, how scared she must have been. And then to think of what she went through in watching her son go through torture and crucifixion. And I think I’ve got it bad. It’s selfishness partially. I want my baby to be w/ me. But mostly I just feel so badly for her. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy and okay. Please God, help me to count my blessings in all of this. Please be with Avary and keep your wings of protection upon her; from the top of her tiny head to the tips of her skinny little toes… thank you Lord for your Son, for this celebration of His birth, and forgive me for not putting that first tonight. I love you, Father, and I thank you for strength… I need a bit more please.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas. I wish there were an exclamation on the end of that. I’m sorry. Christmas has been okay. I want to be in Oklahoma w/ family. I want Avary to be with us, or rather yet, still growing inside of me. I want things to be normal. What is normal? I’ve no idea now. Don’t think I will for some time. Forgive me, Father God, b/c I actually said to myself last night, “Merry Stinking Christmas”… how awful of me. I’m so sorry. But it’s what I felt at the time. Santa brought the kids exactly what they wanted (imagine that) and I felt bad that we had to drag them out to the hospital yet again. They are tired. We are tired. This too shall pass. I hope and pray.
Praise God my mom is coming tomorrow for a few days. The kids can stay home and hopefully Derrick and I can get some more time in w/ Avary. We’ve tried to make this Christmas as good as possible for the kids. We should be w/ family; Chloe knows the difference. I feel terrible for them, especially for her. I had a talk w/ her tonight about how much I love her and how sorry I am that life is upside-down right now. She made me the cutest picture, w/ two band-aids on it. She said she didn’t know how to spell ‘Get well’, but that she was thinking it while she colored it, ha! So sweet! She said she hopes I can quit crying soon and that my cut will heal soon so I can laugh again… the last few days she’s been putting on shows for me while I pump (gotta have some entertainment for 20 minutes every three hours, HA), and they make me laugh so hard, but it hurts sooo badly to laugh. She’s a sweetheart. She’s colored many cards for Avary’s room as well, and is such an awesome big sister to Jax. I couldn’t ask for better Jax got drums for Christmas… yeah, nice. Glad my headache’s gone, ha!
I finally made a big meal tonight when we got home. I felt since it was Christmas and I hadn’t in a week, it would be nice. It was nice to sit at our table and have a real meal, but it didn’t feel normal. Nothing will until we get our baby home. I feel… empty. Empty. That’s it. I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, and yet I don’t have a baby in my arms. Something’s wrong w/ that picture. I yearn for a day w/ no tears. We met a couple whose daughter was born 11 weeks early and is now 5 ½ weeks old… Lisa is her name and she has become a rock to me. It’s nice to hear her tell me that all of this will pass, that things will get better, and the days will get easier… I pray so.
Avary was not feeling the greatest today, she’s had some gaggy issues and they may back off of the milk a bit. She’s been getting 1 ml every three hours, but they may cut back. We’ll see. I cried the whole time I held her today; it hurt so badly to know she didn’t feel well, on top of already having so many issues. My poor sweet girl. Derrick held her today! He was a bit nervous, plus she spit up and it made him really uncomfortable. I’m glad he held her though. She really looks tiny in his arms! We didn’t stay long; the kids were antsy today, understandably so. It hurts so badly to leave her. So badly. Please God, let this become easier. PLEASE. I don’t know that I have the strength to do this for several weeks. Avary has her first brain scan Thursday and I’m a nervous wreck. I know God is taking care of her. I know He has a plan. I’m still nervous. God give me strength. God give me strength. Thank you, Lord for strength. I need you now, Lord. Be with me now. I feel as though I’ve stepped out of my life and am living in someone else’s. But it’s mine. It’s our new life, we must live it. Day to day, mind you, but we must live it. We are blessed, and this will all pass. I just pray for time to pass quickly; not that I’m praying our lives away, but you know.
The hospital just called and Avary got her ventilator off, PRAISE GOD! She’s now on a C-Pap (I think that’s what it’s called), which basically will just help her to breathe if she forgets to. Great news! She also digested her last feeding, which is great. Thank you, Jesus for this news tonight. Although I want her here w/ me, I’m thankful that her condition is well. Praise God. Merry Christmas!
