This is a question I hear quite often, and have for years. In high school, when I'd tell others that I was a freshman, sophomore, etc., I'd hear, "Wow, you look older than that"; when I had Chloe at 21 (too young, by the way, but not a teenager!), I started hearing, "You don't look old enough to have a baby!". Well, in my opinion, I wasn't old enough to have a baby, but I did, and like I said, it's not like I was 15! For years now, I've been hearing strangers tell me that I don't look old enough to have kids, let alone three. I'll be the first to admit that I am way too young to have three kids; I'd like for my kids to be my age now before they have any!
So today I took the kids to Chloe's field day at school, and one of Chloe's friends' aunt's (did ya get that?!) was there; I introduced myself and we talked for a few moments, and then she turns to me, as if it were just killing her inside, and blurts, "Can I ask how old you are?! My sister and I both think you look way too young to have three kids! Or any for that matter!". When I told her that I would soon be 30, her jaw dropped and she said, "Wow, we were thinking you looked to be in your early 20's". HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Wow, I'm sure I should be extremely flattered, and I am flattered, but also am starting to get a bit of a complex here! I don't want others thinking I'm that young!
One day I'll be thankful, I know, I know! I'm just wondering what it is about me that appears so young..... is it the fact that my face is more broken out than a teenager these days??? Is it the new supposed-to-match-my-natural-color hair dye that I had to use to cover up the gray patch in my bangs??? Hmmmmmmmm.... guess I'll never know until the day that I'm trying to RECREATE how I look now when I'm whining that I look too old, HA! Gotta love being a woman!!!!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day! Yesterday was one of those days that make me want to be a better wife and mother!!! The day started w/ breakfast at home from Cracker Barrell! I'd been craving pancakes for some time, and can't make a decent pancake to save my life (I know!), so it was sooooo perfect!
Chloe made a card for me at school that was more book-style, and was entitled "Supermom"; it went like this:
-I love you because.... You are my super mom, you help me and be nice to me and you love me.
-My mom loves me best when.... I smile and love her like she loves me; lets go mom! (not quite sure what all that meant, but you know!)
-My mom looks prettiest when.... My mom looks pretty when she goes to church.
-The funniest thing I remember about Mom is.... She tickles us and makes us laugh every day and I am just like her.
-The most special gift I could give my Mom would be.... Flowers like tulips. Purple tulips like her, I love her so much.
-A Letter to my mom.... Mom, thanks for loving me, you are the best mom that I know. You always play with me and go shopping with me and buy alot of cool clothes and shoes. I love you mom!
Now how sweet is all that?!?! Of course, I changed the spelling of a few words so you could understand it, ha! Then of course my husband, who picks out the best cards, gave me a tear-jerker, and also a version of "A Mother's Legacy", the books in which you write your own life story. I've always loved those, but he always laughs at me when I start telling stories from my childhood, so I never expected him to get one! He did write inside that, "Even though I goof around and tease..... I feel things like that are so important...."; ugh, he's so sweet!
So we went to church of course and then came home and the whole family helped cook spaghetti for lunch... it was just one of those Kodak memories :) Aaaaaaaaaaand, the REAL GIFT... Avary waited until after lunch to take her nap, SO MOMMY GOT A NAP!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, granted, Derrick fell asleep as well, leaving Chloe and Jax awake, and my house was trashed when we woke up, but, I have to pretend that the nap was worth it all, hehe!
It was a great Mother's Day, indeed. You know, I strive each day to be a 'Proverbs 31' woman, and although I know that as humans, we will never quite add up to HER, we can strive and do our best to be that Godly woman for our families. My Grandma Betty was the closest example to a Proverbs 31 woman that many have ever known. A floral arrangement sent for the funeral even had a part of the scripture written on a ribbon wrapped around the arrangement... it was beautiful and so fitting. I can remember that my grandpa kept this on their coffee table for quite some time after her passing. It just spoke exactly who she was and how she lived her life.
Reading the scriptures just encourage me to be a better mother, and a better wife. It's so easy to become discouraged and overwhelmed and even selfishly sad, but God sees our tasks and nothing goes unnoticed w/ our Father!!!! It's so encouraging to know that God does see me folding each piece of laundry and scrubbing every inch of my floor (a thousand times a day due to spills and spit-ups and you-name-it!), and he appreciates that we care enough for our families to do these tasks. When we choose to serve God, there are so many various ways in which to carry out the commitment. It's not only going to church or reading our Bibles, it's in every little thing we do! As mother's we have a critical role in the lives of our children; we shape who they will become! EEEEEEEKS! I know, it sounds scary, but as long as we follow the Word and rely on Christ to guide us, we'll survive!
I'm excited to be a mother, a GODLY mother, and I pray daily that I can live up to God's expectations of the mother that He wants me to be, and raise my children to know and follow God.
Go hug your kids, pat yourself on the back, and then GET BACK TO THAT LAUNDRY!!!! Hehe! Love you all!
Okay....
So I realize this blog has been back and forth and everything in between... sorry! I really felt like I wanted to devote the blog to devotions each day, but then I felt major pressure on days that I couldn't blog or on days that I was feeling 'blank', and it just overwhelmed me emotionally, to the point that I just didn't even want to hear the word 'blog'! So, it's back to the way it started... maybe-not-daily blogs about daily life and my random thoughts and anything else.... there may be a devotional-style blog added in here and there, but maybe not! I feel like the blog is a good place for family and friends to stay in touch w/ our lives, so I do feel that I need to keep it up, but this time, it's w/ no expectations or requirements. Is that okay w/ everyone here? Thought so!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"Fill 'er up, Please"
Okay, so I've had a post in mind for a week now and for some reason, cannot get it to translate well from head to paper :( I've prayed for God to give me the words, the compilation of this jumble of information in my mind. Unfortunately, this is not the post! Sorry! I'm still praying over it; obviously, it's just not time. But it's got me frustrated!
Why can't I get this out? Am I not giving something to God to in turn get His help w/ this? Possibly.
I've been consumed lately by thoughts. Not bad thoughts, but they have been worrisome thoughts and stressful thoughts, and that IS a hindrance.... this I know. Why is it so hard for humans... or for me... to just let go??? I know that it drives me crazy! I'm going along just fine and then all of a sudden I let my worries and stresses stop me in my tracks. And then I sit. I feel like I can't get through. I need a refill, God!!!
God says it so simply in Matthew 25:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" And then in Psalm 55:22, "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."
I find comfort in the scriptures, but sometimes I just let my flesh overpower what I know to be true.
"Even as I sit here now, Lord, I can feel wrinkles in my expression. I am stressed right now. I feel like I need a break. I love being a stay at home mom and I love my family, but I'm overwhelmed right now. I know that my worries and my stresses are sooooooo tiny compared to others. I look around and I know that so many are hurting right now, Lord, far more than I can begin to imagine. The thing is, I know that you care also about my trivial worries and stresses, and I know that you are far more qualified than I to handle them with the proper care. I stress because as I sit here and attempt to write for you (right?), my children are at my feet, needing one thing after another, my mind is filled with the worries of certain family members, I am everywhere but here, Lord! Forgive me! Why do I continue to worry and burden myself with these cares when I have your Promise to take them from me? I tell my youth to give their worries to you, Lord, but I can't practice what I preach? I'm ashamed. I need your help, Father, to prioritize my time. Why can I organize my closet but not my time? I need to devote more undivided time to my children. MORE undivided time to YOU, Lord... you KNOW that!!! More time to my husband. Why is it that I am home all day, and still feel that I'm struggling to finish chores, let alone spend time with you, my children, my husband, and myself????? UGH! I'm struggling, Lord, and I know only you know how to fix my boo-boos. I'm very good at making boo-boos, but not so great at the band-aid part. Help! Father I know you have a plan with this blog.... there is a reason that you are giving me thoughts, but not putting them into words yet. I want to reach others, and yet I'm consumed by my own struggles. I know you're working, Lord. I know I need to seek more. Please help me to prioritize my time and to be productive with every minute of every day, Lord. Help me be a blessing to others through you. Help me to not burden my life or anyone else's with my struggles, but place them in YOUR hands, Lord, where I know they will be better dealt with anyways! I love you, Father, and I place this blog in your hands as well, Lord. Have it and do with it what you will. Have your will upon the direction of this blog, and the direction of my life. Teach me, Lord. I don't even have to mention what I need help in; I'm just laying my troubles at your feet and asking you to meet me. I cannot do anything on my own, God, you know that! Here I am; heart, mind, soul, arms open."
..... and as I decide to look one more place, He gives me this......... God's awesome power never ceases to amaze......
Psalm 62:5, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Why can't I get this out? Am I not giving something to God to in turn get His help w/ this? Possibly.
I've been consumed lately by thoughts. Not bad thoughts, but they have been worrisome thoughts and stressful thoughts, and that IS a hindrance.... this I know. Why is it so hard for humans... or for me... to just let go??? I know that it drives me crazy! I'm going along just fine and then all of a sudden I let my worries and stresses stop me in my tracks. And then I sit. I feel like I can't get through. I need a refill, God!!!
God says it so simply in Matthew 25:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" And then in Psalm 55:22, "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."
I find comfort in the scriptures, but sometimes I just let my flesh overpower what I know to be true.
"Even as I sit here now, Lord, I can feel wrinkles in my expression. I am stressed right now. I feel like I need a break. I love being a stay at home mom and I love my family, but I'm overwhelmed right now. I know that my worries and my stresses are sooooooo tiny compared to others. I look around and I know that so many are hurting right now, Lord, far more than I can begin to imagine. The thing is, I know that you care also about my trivial worries and stresses, and I know that you are far more qualified than I to handle them with the proper care. I stress because as I sit here and attempt to write for you (right?), my children are at my feet, needing one thing after another, my mind is filled with the worries of certain family members, I am everywhere but here, Lord! Forgive me! Why do I continue to worry and burden myself with these cares when I have your Promise to take them from me? I tell my youth to give their worries to you, Lord, but I can't practice what I preach? I'm ashamed. I need your help, Father, to prioritize my time. Why can I organize my closet but not my time? I need to devote more undivided time to my children. MORE undivided time to YOU, Lord... you KNOW that!!! More time to my husband. Why is it that I am home all day, and still feel that I'm struggling to finish chores, let alone spend time with you, my children, my husband, and myself????? UGH! I'm struggling, Lord, and I know only you know how to fix my boo-boos. I'm very good at making boo-boos, but not so great at the band-aid part. Help! Father I know you have a plan with this blog.... there is a reason that you are giving me thoughts, but not putting them into words yet. I want to reach others, and yet I'm consumed by my own struggles. I know you're working, Lord. I know I need to seek more. Please help me to prioritize my time and to be productive with every minute of every day, Lord. Help me be a blessing to others through you. Help me to not burden my life or anyone else's with my struggles, but place them in YOUR hands, Lord, where I know they will be better dealt with anyways! I love you, Father, and I place this blog in your hands as well, Lord. Have it and do with it what you will. Have your will upon the direction of this blog, and the direction of my life. Teach me, Lord. I don't even have to mention what I need help in; I'm just laying my troubles at your feet and asking you to meet me. I cannot do anything on my own, God, you know that! Here I am; heart, mind, soul, arms open."
..... and as I decide to look one more place, He gives me this......... God's awesome power never ceases to amaze......
Psalm 62:5, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Sunday, January 4, 2009
"I'll have what she's having!"
Ever said that? In a restaurant, more than likely, most of us have. But have you ever said that to... God, perhaps? Have you ever thought, "I'd like to have faith like so-and-so", or, "I'd love to be able to let go in worship like so-and-so"? I have; I've thought these and more, many times. I've said in posts before (yeah, last year when I last posted... get off my back!) that I'd love to have a passion to learn more about Christ like my friend Meredith. Meredith and I have never met, and may never until we reach our final destination one fine day, but I stumbled across Meredith's blog by not-so-accident one day and was just blown away w/ her yearning and passion. I was embarassed in fact, that I was a preacher's wife and didn't have half the passion I saw in Meredith.
Welllllll, here we are, over a year later, and it seems I've let a whole year slip by without even caring that I am still not there. It breaks my heart that I have pushed 'pause' in my relationship w/ God due to life circumstances; there is no excuse. Yes, I made a major move w/ my family to follow a ministry calling. Yes, I had a daughter 11 weeks early and yes, she was hospitalized for nearly 2 months. Yes, it was stressful transitioning her to our home. Yes it was stressful transitioning US to a family of 5. Yes, it's been a stressful year being away from family. Yes, life gets that way, BUT IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE!!!!! HELLOOOOOOOOO! Not-so-ironically, I typed in the wrong web address for a friend of mine's blog earlier, and it took me to her old blog, where there was but one post lingering. It was about giving everything to God and not focusing on our lives and what was and wasn't about them, but focusing on God and others, and then our lives would in turn of course make more sense! I replied to this post before realizing it was old and written earlier this past year, but then I realized there was definitely a reason I'd run into it! It is NOT ABOUT US!!!!! Nothing in this life is. IT IS ABOUT GOD. And when we come to realize this, which is difficult b/c we are human, we will all be a happier people. Yeah, even happier than after that mocha latte'!
The problem is that we just don't get it. We live our daily lives. We fall into our daily routine. We become something that we don't realize we've become until it slaps us in the face. It's so easy. Go to work. Go to church. Read your Bible. Pray. Eat. Sleep. Wake up and do it all over again. We don't want to become robotic in our walk, and yet we do. Mac Powell, lead singer of Third Day, once said, "Within our lives no matter where we could go, or who we could see, or who we could meet, or what we could earn, or be given to us, or accomplish, there is nothing in our lives that will ever come close to the greatness of knowing Jesus Christ." So then why to we put so much emphasis on everything but???? Good question!
WAKE UP!!!!!! And this time, REALLY WAKE UP!!!!!!! I'm ready! It is time to step over the edge into a spiritual journey w/ our Father that is out of the ordinary, far beyond mediocrity, OUT OF THIS WORLD AWESOME!!! I'm ready to go, and I'll take whoever wants to go w/ me ;)
"... but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
God is much stronger than your espresso.... rely more on Him!!!!
Welllllll, here we are, over a year later, and it seems I've let a whole year slip by without even caring that I am still not there. It breaks my heart that I have pushed 'pause' in my relationship w/ God due to life circumstances; there is no excuse. Yes, I made a major move w/ my family to follow a ministry calling. Yes, I had a daughter 11 weeks early and yes, she was hospitalized for nearly 2 months. Yes, it was stressful transitioning her to our home. Yes it was stressful transitioning US to a family of 5. Yes, it's been a stressful year being away from family. Yes, life gets that way, BUT IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE!!!!! HELLOOOOOOOOO! Not-so-ironically, I typed in the wrong web address for a friend of mine's blog earlier, and it took me to her old blog, where there was but one post lingering. It was about giving everything to God and not focusing on our lives and what was and wasn't about them, but focusing on God and others, and then our lives would in turn of course make more sense! I replied to this post before realizing it was old and written earlier this past year, but then I realized there was definitely a reason I'd run into it! It is NOT ABOUT US!!!!! Nothing in this life is. IT IS ABOUT GOD. And when we come to realize this, which is difficult b/c we are human, we will all be a happier people. Yeah, even happier than after that mocha latte'!
The problem is that we just don't get it. We live our daily lives. We fall into our daily routine. We become something that we don't realize we've become until it slaps us in the face. It's so easy. Go to work. Go to church. Read your Bible. Pray. Eat. Sleep. Wake up and do it all over again. We don't want to become robotic in our walk, and yet we do. Mac Powell, lead singer of Third Day, once said, "Within our lives no matter where we could go, or who we could see, or who we could meet, or what we could earn, or be given to us, or accomplish, there is nothing in our lives that will ever come close to the greatness of knowing Jesus Christ." So then why to we put so much emphasis on everything but???? Good question!
WAKE UP!!!!!! And this time, REALLY WAKE UP!!!!!!! I'm ready! It is time to step over the edge into a spiritual journey w/ our Father that is out of the ordinary, far beyond mediocrity, OUT OF THIS WORLD AWESOME!!! I'm ready to go, and I'll take whoever wants to go w/ me ;)
"... but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
God is much stronger than your espresso.... rely more on Him!!!!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
This is the air I breathe
I don't have much time on here, but I'll try to update. Avary is doing well; she is off of all breathing aids, just breathing room air on her own and is doing well w/ it. Praise God! She is is up to 1/2 oz. of breastmilk in her feeding tube every three hours. Most of everything is well for her; she has a heart murmur that is getting louder, so they may run tests next week on her heart, but I'm speaking another miracle for her! Her first brain scan (last week) came back normal... THANK YOU GOD! She is now 2 1/2 weeks old... can you believe it?! She is precious. She is an angel! OH, she's sucking on a pacifier also which is awesome! Go Avary! I always tell her what a big, strong girl she is... she tells me she likes that ;)
Ugh, it is so hard to leave her. It's getting harder b/c she's getting more alert also. She's so darn precious! And she just loves her mommy :) I'm struggling b/c it's been really hard on my body lately, and my doctor told me to alternate days that I go to see her. Yuck. She's mad about that, ha, and mommy too :( Next week they will start to put her to breast.... I'm trying to find someone to possibly keep Jax a couple days a week so I can spend more time w/ her; one hour every other day is not enough.
I should stop griping.... life could be so much worse, you know? God has been SO AMAZING to us and I couldn't ask for more. I'm just being selfish.
God has given me breath, given me three beautiful, amazing children, and an amazing husband, and amazing family and friends, and an amazing church family....... Avary is in great hands and I can't ask for more. This is the air that I breathe for now. I will pray for strength to breathe it in the way God has planned for me. I will pray for peace and safety. I will praise Him through this storm, just as I have before. Praise you, Father for your blessings!
"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress", Psalm 91:2
Ugh, it is so hard to leave her. It's getting harder b/c she's getting more alert also. She's so darn precious! And she just loves her mommy :) I'm struggling b/c it's been really hard on my body lately, and my doctor told me to alternate days that I go to see her. Yuck. She's mad about that, ha, and mommy too :( Next week they will start to put her to breast.... I'm trying to find someone to possibly keep Jax a couple days a week so I can spend more time w/ her; one hour every other day is not enough.
I should stop griping.... life could be so much worse, you know? God has been SO AMAZING to us and I couldn't ask for more. I'm just being selfish.
God has given me breath, given me three beautiful, amazing children, and an amazing husband, and amazing family and friends, and an amazing church family....... Avary is in great hands and I can't ask for more. This is the air that I breathe for now. I will pray for strength to breathe it in the way God has planned for me. I will pray for peace and safety. I will praise Him through this storm, just as I have before. Praise you, Father for your blessings!
"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress", Psalm 91:2
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Avary Rhyan
Monday, December 17, 2007
Avary Rhyan Hornback is born 10 weeks early, weighing 3lbs,1oz, 15in. long.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I came home from the hospital today. I’m feeling pretty good, but I strangely still feel pregnant. I was out during the c-sec., so I didn’t hear Avary cry, didn’t see her, nothing before she was whisked away. I feel good, so nothing is real to me. It is real to Derrick. He spent the night in St. Louis. He says Avary’s well, breathing on her own. But it’s not real to me. Did this really happen? Did I really give birth to my baby girl 10 weeks before her due date??? I felt strangely optimistic and fine today. Weird. My mom is here. Derrick’s mom is here. My kids are confused and excited to see me home. Do they realize they have a sister? No, b/c Jax is asking to kiss the baby in my tummy. Nice, how do you explain it to a 2 year old? I guess you don’t right now. I choose not to. In a way I want to go see my baby, yet in a way I don’t. If I don’t, does it make it not real? It’s not real, right? It’s just a dream. It has to be.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Derrick’s mom left today. My mom stayed w/ the kids while Derrick and I went to see Avary. I cried…… no, I bawled all the way up there. I was petrified. A 3 pound baby? No way. Not mine. I seriously did not want to see her. Is that terrible?? Yes and no maybe. Derrick wheeled me around the corner and I saw the incubator, the tubes, the blue light… please God, do not let this be real. Please wake me up now. I broke down as soon as we entered the room. Tubes, machines, noise, and underneath all of that, a tiny figure that I’m told is my child. After clearing the blur of tears from my eyes, I thought I would pass out at the sight of her. This beautiful, amazing, tiny human that is trying to survive. MY child, trying to survive, alive only by these machines, and of course, the glorious Grace of God. This beauty that was growing inside of me only two days ago, still needing growth and nourishment, now is in the outside world. It hurts. It hurts to know I can do nothing. I wanted to grab her and run. I finally spoke and wondered if she knew me. I touched her hand, no bigger itself than my thumbnail. Her feet, shorter than my pinky. Her head (covered in light brown curly hair by the way), as big as the palm of my hand. Breathe. On the way home I realize that this is life. I must step into it and live it. Ready or not, here it is.
Oh, Avary had to be put on an oscillator/ventilator… the nurses say she’s a feisty little fighter….. another one?! No, she needs to be. Praise God for her attitude!
We had ‘Christmas’ w/ my mom, her husband, my sister and my niece tonight. That was nice. I had a massive headache towards the end of the day though…… probably stress. I’m not even sure I’m feeling that everything is real yet. And I don’t even want to think about tomorrow… my mom and her clan leaves. Please God, I ask again, let this be a dream.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I awoke today w/ a headache that was horrible enough to keep me vomiting and in bed. Stress. I hate today. My mom leaves. I won’t make it without her here. Avary has a bubble of air or fluid on her lung. They’ve inserted a chest tube to drain it. As soon as they inserted it, the bubble was gone. Thank you Lord! They’ve also put her on pain meds, mainly b/c she’s trying too hard to do everything on her own and they need her to rest. Silly girl. Wish I could see her again.
My mom left. They’re gone. What on earth will we do? We’re 45 minutes away from Avary. Our kids will be dragged here and there and what about meals and EVERYTHING??? I’ve been in bed all day crying, which is probably why this headache is still here. I can’t even think. I want to be w/ Avary, but I can barely open my eyes right now. Please God, take this headache away. I’m useless to anyone right now.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Well, yet another day that I can’t see the child that is alone right now. I awoke this morning sick again from the headache. Went to the doctor, was taken immediately to the hospital for surgery……… yep, surgery! Come to find out, I had spinal fluid leaking, caused from the spinal block for my c-section on Monday. They had to do a C-Patch, where they find the leak, take blood from my arm, use it to block the leak….. as soon as they patched the leak, the headache was GONE! It was amazing! Praise God that He took care of that. But, I have to lie on my back for 24 hours now. Nice. No one is here to help w/ the kids, Avary’s lying in the hospital alone.
Derrick has been to see her daily. I think I’m jealous. Money is getting tight. How on earth will we afford daily trips to St. Louis, eating out, gas, etc. etc.??? This is not good. God, please provide the money that we need to do this. I want to see my baby! Poor Jax does not understand why mommy can’t hold him, why I have to lay down all day. Poor Chloe; she is worried about Avary, worried about mommy… there are too many tears right now. Too many worries. Life has to get easier, right? Things will get better right??? I’m realizing this is not a dream. This is reality. We’ve got to get up and do this. How? I’m not sure. Well, I am. God. He’s my Rock. He’s my Fortress. He’s my Shelter. I can cry to Him. I can shout to Him. And He’s there. He’s always there.
Avary is well today, not too many changes. “She’s a fighter”, we keep hearing from the nurses. OH, the nurses……… have I mentioned how amazing they are??? When I called earlier to check on Avary, I broke down, telling the nurse I wish I could be there and asking her not to think badly of me as a mother, and when Derrick came home from visiting, he brought a card that Avary’s nurse had made me w/ a picture of Avary and her footprints, saying, “I love you mommy, Love Avary”……… too sweet! Thank you, Jesus for Avary’s nurses.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
YAY! We went to see Avary today!!!! Only my second time to see my sweet baby girl. We took the kids of course, thank goodness for the awesome sibling playrooms in the hospital… Chloe and Jax had a BLAST! And I got to spend some time w/ Avary. She’s amazing. She’s beautiful! She’s mine. And yet, she doesn’t feel like mine. Does she know she has a mommy??
She’s doing well under the circumstances... “she’s feisty” is about all we hear from the nurses. She’s lost a bit of weight of course, down to 2lbs,12oz., but that’s normal.
Derrick’s mom and dad came up tonight and brought the kids’ Christmas gifts. We had a really nice time, it was just too short. It just seems unfair that Avary can’t be here. She’s laying up there, covered in tubes and fighting, and here we are opening gifts and it’s just unfair. Everyone says she doesn’t know, and I know that, but I know, and since I know I feel like she knows. Did that make sense?! Anyways, it’s hard to sleep thinking about it.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
We went to church today; it was nice to have a bit of normal today. Although it was weird. Lots of questions from many people, but also lots of uplifting stories of preemies they’ve known, etc. And of course it was the Christmas service, so it was very nice. The kids were glad to be back to a bit of normal also; they love the church, which is awesome
I GOT TO HOLD AVARY TODAY!!!!!! It was amazing. It was scary. It was surreal. But it was cloud nine. Finally. She is tinier than she looks. Her bottom fits in the palm of my hand. She’s got LONG fingers and toes (gets that from me!). The nurses are always saying that she’s always moving, kicking, grabbing, etc. The whole 20 minutes that she was laying against my chest, she never moved an inch. I wondered if she recognized my heart beat, my voice….. they say she does. I hope so. Oh man, she’s just solos tiny; it’s unreal. I mean, she’s under 3 pounds…….. insane, right?! Anyways, feeling her against me was amazing. I think for both of us. Hopefully. It’s harder to leave her now that I’ve held her. I wanted to run w/ her. My Grandpa said, when I told him about how still she was during our first bonding experience, that she was still b/c she was ‘Home’. I like that. I wish she could feel that more often. Poor sweet thing.
The kids are a bit uncomfortable around her still. They picked out a stocking for her to keep at the hospital, and Chloe and I hope to find some fleece to make a few blankets for Avary for Christmas. We can put our own blankness in her ‘bed’, so we thought it would be nice to make some. Chloe’s excited When we pulled up to the hospital today, Jax said, “This Ivy’s home?” UGH. Heartbreaker. Yeah, I guess this is her home, for now…. makes me want to throw up to say that.
Monday, December 24, 2007
*sigh* It’s Christmas Eve. We went to the hospital early in the day. Avary is well, still being weaned a bit each day on the ventilator, she began getting my milk through a feeding tube last night and is stomaching it well. Thank you Jesus! I got to hold her a whole HOUR today!! We both fell asleep. It’s so relaxing to hold your baby close to your skin… it just feels so right, you know? I can remember falling asleep all the time while holding Jax and Chloe as babies… it’s almost therapeutic. But, I had to hand her over once again. By the way, she’s one week old today One week old and should be 31 weeks gestation. Unreal.
Tonight was torture. We opened gifts and it just seemed unfair and wrong and weird. I thought of Avary the whole time. I tried to hold it together for the kiddos, but I was a wreck. Every little thing made me break down all day today. She should be here w/ us. My poor baby girl. Praise God she won’t remember any of this. We are so blessed though. We have our health, our home, we have family, although we’re all spread apart tonight, which stinks, we do have one another. And, we still have God to thank for sending His Son to save us. We watched The Nativity tonight; I love that movie. Think of Mary, how scared she must have been. And then to think of what she went through in watching her son go through torture and crucifixion. And I think I’ve got it bad. It’s selfishness partially. I want my baby to be w/ me. But mostly I just feel so badly for her. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy and okay. Please God, help me to count my blessings in all of this. Please be with Avary and keep your wings of protection upon her; from the top of her tiny head to the tips of her skinny little toes… thank you Lord for your Son, for this celebration of His birth, and forgive me for not putting that first tonight. I love you, Father, and I thank you for strength… I need a bit more please.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas. I wish there were an exclamation on the end of that. I’m sorry. Christmas has been okay. I want to be in Oklahoma w/ family. I want Avary to be with us, or rather yet, still growing inside of me. I want things to be normal. What is normal? I’ve no idea now. Don’t think I will for some time. Forgive me, Father God, b/c I actually said to myself last night, “Merry Stinking Christmas”… how awful of me. I’m so sorry. But it’s what I felt at the time. Santa brought the kids exactly what they wanted (imagine that) and I felt bad that we had to drag them out to the hospital yet again. They are tired. We are tired. This too shall pass. I hope and pray.
Praise God my mom is coming tomorrow for a few days. The kids can stay home and hopefully Derrick and I can get some more time in w/ Avary. We’ve tried to make this Christmas as good as possible for the kids. We should be w/ family; Chloe knows the difference. I feel terrible for them, especially for her. I had a talk w/ her tonight about how much I love her and how sorry I am that life is upside-down right now. She made me the cutest picture, w/ two band-aids on it. She said she didn’t know how to spell ‘Get well’, but that she was thinking it while she colored it, ha! So sweet! She said she hopes I can quit crying soon and that my cut will heal soon so I can laugh again… the last few days she’s been putting on shows for me while I pump (gotta have some entertainment for 20 minutes every three hours, HA), and they make me laugh so hard, but it hurts sooo badly to laugh. She’s a sweetheart. She’s colored many cards for Avary’s room as well, and is such an awesome big sister to Jax. I couldn’t ask for better Jax got drums for Christmas… yeah, nice. Glad my headache’s gone, ha!
I finally made a big meal tonight when we got home. I felt since it was Christmas and I hadn’t in a week, it would be nice. It was nice to sit at our table and have a real meal, but it didn’t feel normal. Nothing will until we get our baby home. I feel… empty. Empty. That’s it. I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, and yet I don’t have a baby in my arms. Something’s wrong w/ that picture. I yearn for a day w/ no tears. We met a couple whose daughter was born 11 weeks early and is now 5 ½ weeks old… Lisa is her name and she has become a rock to me. It’s nice to hear her tell me that all of this will pass, that things will get better, and the days will get easier… I pray so.
Avary was not feeling the greatest today, she’s had some gaggy issues and they may back off of the milk a bit. She’s been getting 1 ml every three hours, but they may cut back. We’ll see. I cried the whole time I held her today; it hurt so badly to know she didn’t feel well, on top of already having so many issues. My poor sweet girl. Derrick held her today! He was a bit nervous, plus she spit up and it made him really uncomfortable. I’m glad he held her though. She really looks tiny in his arms! We didn’t stay long; the kids were antsy today, understandably so. It hurts so badly to leave her. So badly. Please God, let this become easier. PLEASE. I don’t know that I have the strength to do this for several weeks. Avary has her first brain scan Thursday and I’m a nervous wreck. I know God is taking care of her. I know He has a plan. I’m still nervous. God give me strength. God give me strength. Thank you, Lord for strength. I need you now, Lord. Be with me now. I feel as though I’ve stepped out of my life and am living in someone else’s. But it’s mine. It’s our new life, we must live it. Day to day, mind you, but we must live it. We are blessed, and this will all pass. I just pray for time to pass quickly; not that I’m praying our lives away, but you know.
The hospital just called and Avary got her ventilator off, PRAISE GOD! She’s now on a C-Pap (I think that’s what it’s called), which basically will just help her to breathe if she forgets to. Great news! She also digested her last feeding, which is great. Thank you, Jesus for this news tonight. Although I want her here w/ me, I’m thankful that her condition is well. Praise God. Merry Christmas!
Avary Rhyan Hornback is born 10 weeks early, weighing 3lbs,1oz, 15in. long.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I came home from the hospital today. I’m feeling pretty good, but I strangely still feel pregnant. I was out during the c-sec., so I didn’t hear Avary cry, didn’t see her, nothing before she was whisked away. I feel good, so nothing is real to me. It is real to Derrick. He spent the night in St. Louis. He says Avary’s well, breathing on her own. But it’s not real to me. Did this really happen? Did I really give birth to my baby girl 10 weeks before her due date??? I felt strangely optimistic and fine today. Weird. My mom is here. Derrick’s mom is here. My kids are confused and excited to see me home. Do they realize they have a sister? No, b/c Jax is asking to kiss the baby in my tummy. Nice, how do you explain it to a 2 year old? I guess you don’t right now. I choose not to. In a way I want to go see my baby, yet in a way I don’t. If I don’t, does it make it not real? It’s not real, right? It’s just a dream. It has to be.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Derrick’s mom left today. My mom stayed w/ the kids while Derrick and I went to see Avary. I cried…… no, I bawled all the way up there. I was petrified. A 3 pound baby? No way. Not mine. I seriously did not want to see her. Is that terrible?? Yes and no maybe. Derrick wheeled me around the corner and I saw the incubator, the tubes, the blue light… please God, do not let this be real. Please wake me up now. I broke down as soon as we entered the room. Tubes, machines, noise, and underneath all of that, a tiny figure that I’m told is my child. After clearing the blur of tears from my eyes, I thought I would pass out at the sight of her. This beautiful, amazing, tiny human that is trying to survive. MY child, trying to survive, alive only by these machines, and of course, the glorious Grace of God. This beauty that was growing inside of me only two days ago, still needing growth and nourishment, now is in the outside world. It hurts. It hurts to know I can do nothing. I wanted to grab her and run. I finally spoke and wondered if she knew me. I touched her hand, no bigger itself than my thumbnail. Her feet, shorter than my pinky. Her head (covered in light brown curly hair by the way), as big as the palm of my hand. Breathe. On the way home I realize that this is life. I must step into it and live it. Ready or not, here it is.
Oh, Avary had to be put on an oscillator/ventilator… the nurses say she’s a feisty little fighter….. another one?! No, she needs to be. Praise God for her attitude!
We had ‘Christmas’ w/ my mom, her husband, my sister and my niece tonight. That was nice. I had a massive headache towards the end of the day though…… probably stress. I’m not even sure I’m feeling that everything is real yet. And I don’t even want to think about tomorrow… my mom and her clan leaves. Please God, I ask again, let this be a dream.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I awoke today w/ a headache that was horrible enough to keep me vomiting and in bed. Stress. I hate today. My mom leaves. I won’t make it without her here. Avary has a bubble of air or fluid on her lung. They’ve inserted a chest tube to drain it. As soon as they inserted it, the bubble was gone. Thank you Lord! They’ve also put her on pain meds, mainly b/c she’s trying too hard to do everything on her own and they need her to rest. Silly girl. Wish I could see her again.
My mom left. They’re gone. What on earth will we do? We’re 45 minutes away from Avary. Our kids will be dragged here and there and what about meals and EVERYTHING??? I’ve been in bed all day crying, which is probably why this headache is still here. I can’t even think. I want to be w/ Avary, but I can barely open my eyes right now. Please God, take this headache away. I’m useless to anyone right now.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Well, yet another day that I can’t see the child that is alone right now. I awoke this morning sick again from the headache. Went to the doctor, was taken immediately to the hospital for surgery……… yep, surgery! Come to find out, I had spinal fluid leaking, caused from the spinal block for my c-section on Monday. They had to do a C-Patch, where they find the leak, take blood from my arm, use it to block the leak….. as soon as they patched the leak, the headache was GONE! It was amazing! Praise God that He took care of that. But, I have to lie on my back for 24 hours now. Nice. No one is here to help w/ the kids, Avary’s lying in the hospital alone.
Derrick has been to see her daily. I think I’m jealous. Money is getting tight. How on earth will we afford daily trips to St. Louis, eating out, gas, etc. etc.??? This is not good. God, please provide the money that we need to do this. I want to see my baby! Poor Jax does not understand why mommy can’t hold him, why I have to lay down all day. Poor Chloe; she is worried about Avary, worried about mommy… there are too many tears right now. Too many worries. Life has to get easier, right? Things will get better right??? I’m realizing this is not a dream. This is reality. We’ve got to get up and do this. How? I’m not sure. Well, I am. God. He’s my Rock. He’s my Fortress. He’s my Shelter. I can cry to Him. I can shout to Him. And He’s there. He’s always there.
Avary is well today, not too many changes. “She’s a fighter”, we keep hearing from the nurses. OH, the nurses……… have I mentioned how amazing they are??? When I called earlier to check on Avary, I broke down, telling the nurse I wish I could be there and asking her not to think badly of me as a mother, and when Derrick came home from visiting, he brought a card that Avary’s nurse had made me w/ a picture of Avary and her footprints, saying, “I love you mommy, Love Avary”……… too sweet! Thank you, Jesus for Avary’s nurses.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
YAY! We went to see Avary today!!!! Only my second time to see my sweet baby girl. We took the kids of course, thank goodness for the awesome sibling playrooms in the hospital… Chloe and Jax had a BLAST! And I got to spend some time w/ Avary. She’s amazing. She’s beautiful! She’s mine. And yet, she doesn’t feel like mine. Does she know she has a mommy??
She’s doing well under the circumstances... “she’s feisty” is about all we hear from the nurses. She’s lost a bit of weight of course, down to 2lbs,12oz., but that’s normal.
Derrick’s mom and dad came up tonight and brought the kids’ Christmas gifts. We had a really nice time, it was just too short. It just seems unfair that Avary can’t be here. She’s laying up there, covered in tubes and fighting, and here we are opening gifts and it’s just unfair. Everyone says she doesn’t know, and I know that, but I know, and since I know I feel like she knows. Did that make sense?! Anyways, it’s hard to sleep thinking about it.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
We went to church today; it was nice to have a bit of normal today. Although it was weird. Lots of questions from many people, but also lots of uplifting stories of preemies they’ve known, etc. And of course it was the Christmas service, so it was very nice. The kids were glad to be back to a bit of normal also; they love the church, which is awesome
I GOT TO HOLD AVARY TODAY!!!!!! It was amazing. It was scary. It was surreal. But it was cloud nine. Finally. She is tinier than she looks. Her bottom fits in the palm of my hand. She’s got LONG fingers and toes (gets that from me!). The nurses are always saying that she’s always moving, kicking, grabbing, etc. The whole 20 minutes that she was laying against my chest, she never moved an inch. I wondered if she recognized my heart beat, my voice….. they say she does. I hope so. Oh man, she’s just solos tiny; it’s unreal. I mean, she’s under 3 pounds…….. insane, right?! Anyways, feeling her against me was amazing. I think for both of us. Hopefully. It’s harder to leave her now that I’ve held her. I wanted to run w/ her. My Grandpa said, when I told him about how still she was during our first bonding experience, that she was still b/c she was ‘Home’. I like that. I wish she could feel that more often. Poor sweet thing.
The kids are a bit uncomfortable around her still. They picked out a stocking for her to keep at the hospital, and Chloe and I hope to find some fleece to make a few blankets for Avary for Christmas. We can put our own blankness in her ‘bed’, so we thought it would be nice to make some. Chloe’s excited When we pulled up to the hospital today, Jax said, “This Ivy’s home?” UGH. Heartbreaker. Yeah, I guess this is her home, for now…. makes me want to throw up to say that.
Monday, December 24, 2007
*sigh* It’s Christmas Eve. We went to the hospital early in the day. Avary is well, still being weaned a bit each day on the ventilator, she began getting my milk through a feeding tube last night and is stomaching it well. Thank you Jesus! I got to hold her a whole HOUR today!! We both fell asleep. It’s so relaxing to hold your baby close to your skin… it just feels so right, you know? I can remember falling asleep all the time while holding Jax and Chloe as babies… it’s almost therapeutic. But, I had to hand her over once again. By the way, she’s one week old today One week old and should be 31 weeks gestation. Unreal.
Tonight was torture. We opened gifts and it just seemed unfair and wrong and weird. I thought of Avary the whole time. I tried to hold it together for the kiddos, but I was a wreck. Every little thing made me break down all day today. She should be here w/ us. My poor baby girl. Praise God she won’t remember any of this. We are so blessed though. We have our health, our home, we have family, although we’re all spread apart tonight, which stinks, we do have one another. And, we still have God to thank for sending His Son to save us. We watched The Nativity tonight; I love that movie. Think of Mary, how scared she must have been. And then to think of what she went through in watching her son go through torture and crucifixion. And I think I’ve got it bad. It’s selfishness partially. I want my baby to be w/ me. But mostly I just feel so badly for her. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy and okay. Please God, help me to count my blessings in all of this. Please be with Avary and keep your wings of protection upon her; from the top of her tiny head to the tips of her skinny little toes… thank you Lord for your Son, for this celebration of His birth, and forgive me for not putting that first tonight. I love you, Father, and I thank you for strength… I need a bit more please.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas. I wish there were an exclamation on the end of that. I’m sorry. Christmas has been okay. I want to be in Oklahoma w/ family. I want Avary to be with us, or rather yet, still growing inside of me. I want things to be normal. What is normal? I’ve no idea now. Don’t think I will for some time. Forgive me, Father God, b/c I actually said to myself last night, “Merry Stinking Christmas”… how awful of me. I’m so sorry. But it’s what I felt at the time. Santa brought the kids exactly what they wanted (imagine that) and I felt bad that we had to drag them out to the hospital yet again. They are tired. We are tired. This too shall pass. I hope and pray.
Praise God my mom is coming tomorrow for a few days. The kids can stay home and hopefully Derrick and I can get some more time in w/ Avary. We’ve tried to make this Christmas as good as possible for the kids. We should be w/ family; Chloe knows the difference. I feel terrible for them, especially for her. I had a talk w/ her tonight about how much I love her and how sorry I am that life is upside-down right now. She made me the cutest picture, w/ two band-aids on it. She said she didn’t know how to spell ‘Get well’, but that she was thinking it while she colored it, ha! So sweet! She said she hopes I can quit crying soon and that my cut will heal soon so I can laugh again… the last few days she’s been putting on shows for me while I pump (gotta have some entertainment for 20 minutes every three hours, HA), and they make me laugh so hard, but it hurts sooo badly to laugh. She’s a sweetheart. She’s colored many cards for Avary’s room as well, and is such an awesome big sister to Jax. I couldn’t ask for better Jax got drums for Christmas… yeah, nice. Glad my headache’s gone, ha!
I finally made a big meal tonight when we got home. I felt since it was Christmas and I hadn’t in a week, it would be nice. It was nice to sit at our table and have a real meal, but it didn’t feel normal. Nothing will until we get our baby home. I feel… empty. Empty. That’s it. I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, and yet I don’t have a baby in my arms. Something’s wrong w/ that picture. I yearn for a day w/ no tears. We met a couple whose daughter was born 11 weeks early and is now 5 ½ weeks old… Lisa is her name and she has become a rock to me. It’s nice to hear her tell me that all of this will pass, that things will get better, and the days will get easier… I pray so.
Avary was not feeling the greatest today, she’s had some gaggy issues and they may back off of the milk a bit. She’s been getting 1 ml every three hours, but they may cut back. We’ll see. I cried the whole time I held her today; it hurt so badly to know she didn’t feel well, on top of already having so many issues. My poor sweet girl. Derrick held her today! He was a bit nervous, plus she spit up and it made him really uncomfortable. I’m glad he held her though. She really looks tiny in his arms! We didn’t stay long; the kids were antsy today, understandably so. It hurts so badly to leave her. So badly. Please God, let this become easier. PLEASE. I don’t know that I have the strength to do this for several weeks. Avary has her first brain scan Thursday and I’m a nervous wreck. I know God is taking care of her. I know He has a plan. I’m still nervous. God give me strength. God give me strength. Thank you, Lord for strength. I need you now, Lord. Be with me now. I feel as though I’ve stepped out of my life and am living in someone else’s. But it’s mine. It’s our new life, we must live it. Day to day, mind you, but we must live it. We are blessed, and this will all pass. I just pray for time to pass quickly; not that I’m praying our lives away, but you know.
The hospital just called and Avary got her ventilator off, PRAISE GOD! She’s now on a C-Pap (I think that’s what it’s called), which basically will just help her to breathe if she forgets to. Great news! She also digested her last feeding, which is great. Thank you, Jesus for this news tonight. Although I want her here w/ me, I’m thankful that her condition is well. Praise God. Merry Christmas!
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