Random feelings

Warning:  Read at your own risk!  This post is entirely random.  No rhyme or reason... I don't think!  The thoughts were there, and when they are, I write them out.  So, here ya go.....


      When we moved to Missouri from Oklahoma, we honestly wondered what God was doing.  Neither Derrick nor I had ever lived away from family.  Both of our families currently lived in Oklahoma.  Accepting the call into the ministry, we both agreed that we would go where God led.... wherever that may be.  I don't think that either of our families really believed that we would hold to that, and I don't think they believed we would actually make the first move.  Let's just say they were not 'happy'.  Not only were we, their children, leaving, but we were taking along with us...... thier GRANDCHILDREN!  Well, two and a half of them (Avary on the way).  But, we followed the calling, and we KNEW that God had a plan for us in Missouri.  We knew it.  We cried all the way up here.  We were sick.  It was the strangest feeling in the world thus far.  And we'll never feel it again!  It was the first move away from family and friends; away from the lives we knew, on a new journey..... alone, and yet together.   

Maybe timing wasn't the best, but, it's God.  When he calls, you kind of.... GO!  We left on December 1, 2007.  I had plans to have my Christmas tree up and ready for the holiday.  We had plans to leave on the 21st to be back in Oklahoma for Christmas.  I was a bit over halfway through my pregnancy with Avary, which had started terribly rough and scary, but I finally, at 28.5 weeks, felt great.  We met our new OB, he sent us for a high-risk ultrasound on the 12th.  It was our first drive into St. Louis, and we were excited!  The ultrasound went well; the high risk specialist said he saw no reason why I wouldn't carry the baby to term, and so w/ good news in arm, we went shopping!  We were in love w/ West County Mall and called family to share the good baby news, then headed back home.  I awoke at 1am that 'night' to what I just knew was my broken water.  I got up, called the OB, and then Derrick and I dragged our kids out of bed and to the ER at 3am (we didn't know anyone well enough to call for help!).  For the next 4 days, I was sent home twice and told the fluids tested negative for amniotic fluid, even though I was certain that I was not 'wetting' myself over and over! 

Finally, on Monday morning, December 17, I called the Dr., AGAIN, and after being told yet again that my water had not broken, a nurse checked me just before releasing me and realized, "UGH! HER WATER HAS BROKEN!"  Really?!

Panic.  I suddenly had seven different nurses in triage shooting me w/ medications, hooking up IV's, hooking me up to monitors, and telling me to prepare for a hospital ride to St. Louis, where they would try to hold out delivery as long as possible.  Derrick, who had Chloe and Jax, headed to meet me there, only to receive a phone call minutes later saying that Avary's oxygen levels had dropped and they would be doing an emergency c-section immediately.  Panic.  Thankfully, new friends from the church came to the hospital to sit w/ the kids while Derrick attended to me.  I can only imagine how my mom and Derrick's felt when they got the phone calls and scrambled to make the 6 hour drive here. 

I was in a cloud.  I don't even know that I realized the whole situation was real, you know?  I remember feeling very sick from the magnesium shots, and I remember breaking down at one point on the phone with my mom.  The next thing I remember is feeling the Dr. start cutting on me for the surgery.... wait, WHAT? STOPPPP!!!!  Oh, the pain!  The Anesthesiologist then had to 'put me out' totally.  From then I can remember having a dream that I had not survived, and that I was in a world of 'foam' (yes, I know), and I could hear mumbled voices, as I struggled to swim through the foam to reach them. 

And then I woke.  And my baby was gone. 

No longer was my body harboring a precious child, nurturing and preparing that life for her entrance to the world.  Her entrance had come all too soon.... 11 weeks too soon.  And a helicopter, full of doctors and nurses, had already taken her to her first home, St. Louis Children's Hospital.  I can remember feeling strangely still pregnant.  I wasn't holding my baby, and yet I knew my stomach was.... empty.  As was my heart.  The pain medication created a false security for me that first night.  I even remember laughing with my mom because, due to my not having my baby with me, I had to leave my hospital room to make room for a patient whose baby would stay also.  So, we were first taken to a closet.  No, I am not joking.  It was a closet with a bed... one dorm sized bed w/ feet room only and a door.  My mom and I sat in there cracking up... literally!  We finally talked the nurse into just letting me go back to the triage room in the ER.  Yes, good times indeed!  There was no sleep that night, but again, I woke up delirious and okay.  I knew though that my delirium was not reality; Derrick was living our new reality, as he went to be w/ Avary that night at Children's.  He says that it's the first time he can ever remember curling up into a ball and crying like a baby, and feeling like life was further out of his control than he ever imagined.  My Dr...... God bless my Dr.; he allowed me to leave that day.... 15 hours after giving birth!  But, he also knew two things: 1) I was being housed in TRIAGE for crying out loud; and, 2) I needed to see my baby.  He sent me home under the condition that I was to sleep that day, and not go to St. Louis until the following day.  *sigh*  It was hard to sleep; I had a house full of company!  But, I did rest; it was nice to have everyone there and feel.... 'at home'.  My stomach twisted though at the thought of seeing my new baby clinging to life... as terrible as it sounds, thoughts raced through my mind, wondering, "if I don't go to see her, then maybe it won't be real."  Of course I didn't mean it, but I did not want it to be real. 

My first memory of Avary:  blue lights.  Derrick wheeled me around the corner of the NICU towards Avary's room, and I can remember thinking, "God, please don't let that be my baby".  But I was pretty certain that hers was the corner room.  And it was.  My breath completely left my body at that moment.  No words.  Just surrealism.  Surreal.  But not fear.  I don't think.... well, maybe a little at first.  I know that I cried, and I worried, and I was uncertain and everything in between, but I honestly don't think that I ever feared for her life.  God had given Avary second breath early in her life within me, and I KNEW that He would not have done that, only to take her life so shortly after a premature birth.  I do think that I feared what kind of life she may have to live, though.

I can't even begin to describe all of the feelings, the ups and downs, the good days and the bad that transpired over the course of the next two months.  There were days that I wondered if I would ever have another day without tears.  There were nights that Derrick and I would lie in bed and just cry.  There were days that we plastered smiles across our faces even though we were screaming inside.  There were days that we just couldn't muster even the fake smiles.  And of course, there were days of real smiles.  There were days of cheering for a preemie milestone that Avary had reached.  We had laughter; mostly during the shows that Chloe and Jax would perform for me during all of my 'pumping'.  (well, that was laughter mixed with tears from the pain of laughing while recovering from a c-section!)  We kicked into 'NICU' mode... learning what a 'Brady' and a 'CPAP' were; learning to hold a child while fighting tubes and vents and clips.... learning to show love and affection to our other two children while aching inside. 

And I won't lie.  There were so many days that I wondered why on earth God would move us 6 hours from our families and friends, only to be dealing with this.  Wouldn't it have been easier for him to have waited to give us this job until after Avary was born??  I mean, we had to send Chloe to school every morning and then either I would drive to St. Louis, put Jax in the sibling playroom at the hospital (praise God for that!), spend my two hours with Avary (maximum Jax could be in the playroom), and drive home; OR, we would wait until Chloe got out of school and then all drive up to see Avary.  Everyday.  There were days of course that we couldn't visit; days of the flu (the first time anyone in our family had ever had the real flu, and Derrick and both kids got it that winter!), days of bad weather... the list goes on and on.  The day, one month after bringing Avary home, that Derrick left for his first trip w/ the youth and hours later, Avary was admitted back into the hospital w/ RSV.  Those days were hard.  Derrick still had to step into his new position as youth pastor here.  Life, and God's plan for our lives here, still had to be carried out.  We missed our families terribly.  We missed our daughter terribly.  We missed a 'normal' life.... terribly.  But, we were carried. 

Looking back, it was a very difficult time, yes.  But oh, the lessons we learned!  I cannot even begin to list them!  And now, I find myself thanking God for allowing us to walk through certain aspects of that journey because of what we brought out of it.  Little did I know that two years later, my sister (my best friend) would be faced with the same journey w/ her twins.  The morning that my mom called to tell me that Misty may be in labor at 26 wks pregnant, I fell to my knees.  "Lord, this cannot be happening to her.... her husband in in Iraq... she has a 4 year old.... this is twins".  Derrick called me from work that morning to tell me that he had been praying for the situation and that the Lord had spoken to him that THIS was the reason He (God) had allowed me to go through the premature birth of Avary.  This was my chance to use that for good.  But the thoughts raced through my mind:  Could I?  How?  I don't want to go back to that.  Just don't let the babies come early, and I won't have to use it now.... no, not now. 

Cali and Katelyn were born 5 days later.  The girls are doing well, growing and such.  They still have so many hurdles to cross, but God is so good!  He even allowed my brother-in-law to come home early.... so many amazing miracles already! 

A friend of mine said today that God is now using my journey w/ Avary as a ministry.  Not only to my sister, but to other mom's of preemies.  And yes, I do find myself thanking God for taking us down that road!  But I have to admit, this has not been easy.  I feel like I'm going down the same road.... again.  It's as if I'm there... again.  I have no idea why or how.  And Heaven knows that I do NOT know exactly what my sister is feeling right now.  I have a slight idea, having been in a similar situation, but only God knows.  But wow, my emotions have been a roller coaster!  I only pray that I have been able to be a shoulder to my sister during this time, and that God will continue to use me as He sees fit.  And I'm hugely grateful to even be USED by God!!!! 

Again, sorry for the randomness of this post.  I just felt that I needed to get it out!  I do feel better.  God is certainly carrying me again, as He knows how badly I want to be w/ my sister, my mom, my family during this time.  There are so many other family issues going on right now.  And I'm not there.  But God has a plan.  And, I have peace in knowing that, and BELIEVING that!!!  How sweet it is! 

Blessings

Sweet, sweet Jesus

A dose of motivation!

Along with the sun this morning, came a fresh dose of motivation!  A little Ooomph!  I was completely un-focused on this cake, yet excited to do it.  I had begun a few elements yesterday, but was not

F-O-C-U-S-E-D.  Ridiculous.  Maybe I just let my little pity party get the best of me.  Maybe it's best that I waited until this morning to really attack it; it was time consuming, yet flowed.  Thank you, Jesus!  A cake that I was quite pleased with, a cake that the client ADORED, and a fresh attitude.... feels good! 

Home

I love the Michael Buble' song 'Home'.  It says so much of our lives over the last few years.  Sometimes it helps just to listen to it.... sometimes, it hurts. 

This has been one of those weeks that seem to never end.  I have not been able to catch up on my housework since we've been back from Oklahoma & Springfield.  Literally.  I thought I was caught up Monday, but then each day my house has just fallen prey to total chaos, and today it is terrible!  Every corner that I clean is cluttered again in a second.  Partially b/c my 2 year old feels the need to constantly be undoing every single thing that I do :)  And, partially b/c I cannot seem to bring myself to FOCUS this week.  At all.  It's bad.  I am not motivated on my cakes for this week.  Excited about one, but I cannot seem to focus and pull together a game plan for it.  I'm so behind right now, that I don't even know where to begin. 

There is sooooooooooo much going on at 'home' right now.  My sister's babies.  It's so easy to paint a rosy picture about how they are, but then I got new photos tonight and it just made things worse for me!  I KNOW what it's like to have a baby in the NICU, and I know that I felt so alone.  So alone.  I feel like I have so much to offer my sister during this time, but I feel like I'm failing from here.  A phone call.  Wow.  My only solace is that I know my God is there for her when I cannot be.  My sister has cried nearly each time I've talked to her on the phone, and my sister is not a crier.  It hurts.  The list continues with issues that I cannot go in to.... my grandma... Derrick's uncle... my brother... Avary... a thousand hits have fallen in front of us in the last couple of weeks and I am not certain that I can continue to put on a happy face while I am hurting to be with my family.  I've always been Mrs. Fix-It in my family.  I can't stand separation and hurt, and I've always tried to be the band-aid.  It is HARD not being there right now.  Hard. 

I know that God is so much bigger than all of this.  I know that.  I feel so consumed by everything lately that as soon as I feel like I finally get through in prayer and am able to stand, then I get knocked down again.  My emotions are getting the best of me.  And yes, I am merely venting.  That's what I need to do right now.  I do not expect any responses, and am not sure that I really want any (ha!) from this post.  I just needed to vent. 

God, give me the strength to f-o-c-u-s.   Give me a peace in knowing that you are in control, and that you are where I cannot be.  Your hands are much bigger than mine, and I am grateful that you offer them to me each day, in which to place my troubles in.  Remind me to place those troubles into YOUR hands.  I love you, Lord, and I thank you for the blessings that you shower down upon me and my family each day.  Forgive me for my complaints, Lord.  You know the needs, and you know my heart.  Be with those that I cannot, take control of our lives, of these trials.  I love you, Father, thank you for your mercy and grace. 

Beautiful Girl

Just wanted to give a little shout out to Misty, who is such a beautiful woman!  I created these 'Beautiful Momma CakeBites' in honor of my sister, for her shower (which had to be cancelled due to her early labor), because she is the most beautiful pregnant woman I've ever seen!  Her body is just perfect; absolutely perfectly round belly.... just amazing! 

Misty, even though we did not get to carry out your shower this weekend, don't worry, you WILL have a shower!  I'm not so sure that the pregnant belly CakeBites will still be appropriate, since you'll be skinny again, but I'm honored to have done them for you, with love!  I love you so much and am very proud of you, and proud to call you MY SISTA!!!!!!  Hang in there, love, the days will become easier with time.  May God wrap you in his wings and shelter you with his perfect peace.... I love you!