Home

I love the Michael Buble' song 'Home'.  It says so much of our lives over the last few years.  Sometimes it helps just to listen to it.... sometimes, it hurts. 

This has been one of those weeks that seem to never end.  I have not been able to catch up on my housework since we've been back from Oklahoma & Springfield.  Literally.  I thought I was caught up Monday, but then each day my house has just fallen prey to total chaos, and today it is terrible!  Every corner that I clean is cluttered again in a second.  Partially b/c my 2 year old feels the need to constantly be undoing every single thing that I do :)  And, partially b/c I cannot seem to bring myself to FOCUS this week.  At all.  It's bad.  I am not motivated on my cakes for this week.  Excited about one, but I cannot seem to focus and pull together a game plan for it.  I'm so behind right now, that I don't even know where to begin. 

There is sooooooooooo much going on at 'home' right now.  My sister's babies.  It's so easy to paint a rosy picture about how they are, but then I got new photos tonight and it just made things worse for me!  I KNOW what it's like to have a baby in the NICU, and I know that I felt so alone.  So alone.  I feel like I have so much to offer my sister during this time, but I feel like I'm failing from here.  A phone call.  Wow.  My only solace is that I know my God is there for her when I cannot be.  My sister has cried nearly each time I've talked to her on the phone, and my sister is not a crier.  It hurts.  The list continues with issues that I cannot go in to.... my grandma... Derrick's uncle... my brother... Avary... a thousand hits have fallen in front of us in the last couple of weeks and I am not certain that I can continue to put on a happy face while I am hurting to be with my family.  I've always been Mrs. Fix-It in my family.  I can't stand separation and hurt, and I've always tried to be the band-aid.  It is HARD not being there right now.  Hard. 

I know that God is so much bigger than all of this.  I know that.  I feel so consumed by everything lately that as soon as I feel like I finally get through in prayer and am able to stand, then I get knocked down again.  My emotions are getting the best of me.  And yes, I am merely venting.  That's what I need to do right now.  I do not expect any responses, and am not sure that I really want any (ha!) from this post.  I just needed to vent. 

God, give me the strength to f-o-c-u-s.   Give me a peace in knowing that you are in control, and that you are where I cannot be.  Your hands are much bigger than mine, and I am grateful that you offer them to me each day, in which to place my troubles in.  Remind me to place those troubles into YOUR hands.  I love you, Lord, and I thank you for the blessings that you shower down upon me and my family each day.  Forgive me for my complaints, Lord.  You know the needs, and you know my heart.  Be with those that I cannot, take control of our lives, of these trials.  I love you, Father, thank you for your mercy and grace.