Dear Grandma.....

Dear Grandma,

I have had you heavy on my mind for over a week now. I can't stop thinking of how much I miss you. Remember how, when you heard of Derrick's calling into the ministry, you started giving me advice on being a Preacher's wife and told me to call you anytime? Well, I want to call you now. I'm stressed, grandma. I need your advice, now more than ever. Derrick is such an awesome man of God and I love him more than he'll ever know. But I'm feeling left out, stuck in the shadows. With two young children, it's hard for me to do everything w/ the youth that he gets to. I feel like he's so much more connected to them than I am. I feel like I'm just 'Derrick's wife'. "There's Derrick! Oh, look how cute, the kids!" "Helloooooooo, here I am too! I can be fun too! I am a great listener!" They don't hear me grandma, and I feel they don't even notice me. It's hard. I love my kids to pieces, but staying home night after night while Derrick does Bible study and various things that we can't take the kids to...... it's getting frustrating. I could leave the kids w/ someone, but since I've had to go back to work, it seems like I rarely see them anyways, and it would just be so unfair to them. Derrick is doing an awesome work. And now we're starting this ministry in Gore...... we've prayed for this for so long, and God has blessed us sooooooooo much lately, but why am I feeling this way, grandma??? Will it pass? I don't want to have resentment towards our work for the Lord. How do I deal??? How did you??? I know you felt this way; you told me you did at times. You told me it would be hard, but I never ever thought you'd be gone when I actually needed the 'preacher's wives hug'. Is all of this just selfishness? Of course it is. I need to pray harder, I know this. Maybe it's not that I really need 'preacher's wife advice' from you now, maybe I just miss you so much that I'm looking for any reason to wish you were here. I smelled you the other day. I picked up a blanket off of the floor and smelled it, re-smelled it, and smelled it again. It was you. THAT smell. It wasn't even one of the items grandpa gave me after you passed; it was just a random blanket, but you were all over it. I sat on the bed, with the blanket pressed to my nose, closing my eyes, and just breathed your memories in. I don't think you knew how much I loved and appreciated you. I missed a call from you the night before you had your stroke. I'm sorry. And I haven't been to your grave yet either. Why? I don't know. I just don't know. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? Then why haven't I been there??? I used to go to Cory's. I used to wish I lived closer to Cory's grave so I could go more often. I'm sorry that I haven't been there. You were my role model, grandma. I always wanted to be a wife like you were, a mother like you were, a grandmother like you were. I think I'm failing at the wife and mother dream. You were so much stronger than I am. I would ask you to pray for me, for my strength as a wife and mother, if you were only a phone call away right now. Instead of wishing you were here to turn to for advice, I need to be praying harder, praying that God would teach me how to be the wife and mother and person that HE wants me to be, not who you were, right? Yep, that's what you would say! Yes, I'm getting somewhere! You left in your Bible scriptures that you wanted your children and grandchildren to know and remember, and I'm still working on highlighting those in my Bible. Thank you so much for that, grandma! I'll always look at those verses and know that you treasured them and held them close to your heart, and that you loved me enough to want me to know them and I will treasure them as well. You were awesome, grandma! Awesome! And I know you're having a BLAST in Heaven, praising God and dancing (yeah, I know you are!) and singing, probably playing an accordian.... I can see your big smile! I know you are in such bliss that these miniscule tribulations of mine seem so petty. I know that all I need to do is cling to the Word of God and trust in HIM to get me through these times, and I will one day be by your side praising our Lord!!!!! Can't wait, grandma! Thank you for loving me, and for loving my family. Thank you for leaving an amazing legacy, and thank you for being you, and for teaching me things I will never forget. Thank you for leading me to Christ, thank you for rejoicing anytime I was, and most of all, thank you for being a woman as described in Proverbs, and for leaving footsteps for me to follow in! I love and miss you grandma, but I also rejoice in your happiness and peace in Heaven! Writing this has helped me tremendously right now, and although you can't read it, maybe God can help me out a little ;) Love you so much!

Love,
Crystal Sunshine (you always called me that!)