He gives and He takes away

You know how when your children are young (or not), and they become sad or hurt, and they just want to climb into your lap and be cuddled, held, babied, and feel secure? Well, for the last week and a half I have wanted to climb into my Heavenly Father's lap, suck my thumb, and sit in peace while He comforts my hurts, makes my boo-boos all better. God's good at that.......... what isn't He good at?!?!

I battled back and forth about whether or not to even tell anyone about this particular 'boo-boo' on my heart, but I believe that God wants us to praise Him in every storm and use our storms to benefit others in need. So maybe God wants to use this, and can't unless I voice it.

Derrick and I found out almost three weeks ago that we were expecting baby #3. Shocker....... seriously, we were majorly....... in shock. I could not get my mind wrapped around having another baby of our own. My body does not agree w/ pregnancy, I was not even supposed to be able to have anymore children after Chloe, and God blessed us w/ Jax, and after that we've been saving for Derrick to get 'fixed' (ha) so as to prevent my body from any more pregnancy stress. On top of that, we've been slowly getting into adoption, so we were just......... well, shocked, ha!

Fast forward to now (I'm going to make a VERY long story short, well, somewhat!)........... after over a week of lots of pain, tears, 3 ultrasounds, lots of bloodwork, and blah, we finally found out yesterday for sure that the baby no longer has a heartbeat. The doc's went back and forth deciding whether or not everything was okay, and after a very long week and a half of being on a majorly stressful emotional roller coaster, we finally know for sure and can now begin to get on w/ things. I guess it was really to be expected, since when we got pregnant w/ Jax, the doctor warned us of that happening b/c of all the scar tissue that is built up on the walls of my uterus from my 'female' problems. (for those of you who don't know, a couple of years after I had Chloe I had a lot of problems and after a couple of years of problems, the doc scheduled a hysterectomy, I cancelled it the week before, was prayed for at church for the zillionth time, and three months later, my problems had stopped and I was pregnant w/ Jax! The doc warned us though that I had so much scar tissue built up that the placenta probably wouldn't attach to the uterine wall correctly, but God prevailed and Jax is perfectly healthy!) The problem now is that my body is not ridding of everything on its own, so the doctor is giving me another couple of weeks to do so, and if not then I will have a D&C on July 25th. According to ultrasound, the baby quit growing at 6 weeks, which means the heartbeat has already been stopped for almost three weeks (basically around the time I found out I was pregnant), so my body should've already done it's job, but hopefully it will before the 25th.

God knows best, and I do not doubt that for one second. I will praise Him in this, and many other storms in life I'm sure! We will one day be stronger b/c of this situation. It's funny how you say you don't want more kids, and then get excited when you find out you are, only to find out you're not....... life. And, I shouldn't say we didn't want more kids; if my body agreed w/ pregnancy, I would love to have more kiddos. But I have horrible pregnancies (16, count it-16- weeks of bedrest w/ Chloe.... ick!) Thus, our reason for looking into adoption...... well, that and the fact that we feel led towards adoption ;) Soooooooooo, the plan is that when my new insurance kicks in, I will be getting my tubes tied (doctor ordered). I am okay w/ that now. It's not fair to my kiddos for thier mommy to be in bed for months or to have miscarriage after miscarriage all for the sake of having another one of our 'own' children. We are content with our decision and we know that God will bless us either way :)

There is a song by......... oh wow, I'm totally at blank right now....... anyways, it's called Blessed Be The Name....... part of the chorus is, "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name"....... that sums it up I guess :) One of my favorite scriptures has always been Psalms 91:2 "... the Lord is my refuge and my fortress..."; I have definitely found solace in this!

So, I apologize for the lack of blogging lately....... as you can see life has had other things going. I hope all is well w/ all my beautiful friends........ I also have a praise blog, so I will try to get to that later......... love you all!!!!