Avary Rhyan

Monday, December 17, 2007

Avary Rhyan Hornback is born 11 weeks early, weighing 2lbs,4oz, 15in. long.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I came home from the hospital today. I’m feeling pretty good, but I strangely still feel pregnant. I was out during the c-sec., so I didn’t hear Avary cry, didn’t see her, nothing before she was whisked away. I feel good, so nothing is real to me. It is real to Derrick. He spent the night in St. Louis. He says Avary’s well, breathing on her own. But it’s not real to me. Did this really happen? Did I really give birth to my baby girl 11 weeks before her due date??? I felt strangely optimistic and fine today. Weird. My mom is here. Derrick’s mom is here. My kids are confused and excited to see me home. Do they realize they have a sister? No, b/c Jax is asking to kiss the baby in my tummy. Nice, how do you explain it to a 2 year old? I guess you don’t right now. I choose not to. In a way I want to go see my baby, yet in a way I don’t. If I don’t, does it make it not real? It’s not real, right? It’s just a dream. It has to be.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Derrick’s mom left today. My mom stayed w/ the kids while Derrick and I went to see Avary. I cried…… no, I bawled all the way up there. I was petrified. A 3 pound baby? No way. Not mine. I seriously did not want to see her. Is that terrible?? Yes and no maybe. Derrick wheeled me around the corner and I saw the incubator, the tubes, the blue light… please God, do not let this be real. Please wake me up now. I broke down as soon as we entered the room. Tubes, machines, noise, and underneath all of that, a tiny figure that I’m told is my child. After clearing the blur of tears from my eyes, I thought I would pass out at the sight of her. This beautiful, amazing, tiny human that is trying to survive. MY child, trying to survive, alive only by these machines, and of course, the glorious Grace of God. This beauty that was growing inside of me only two days ago, still needing growth and nourishment, now is in the outside world. It hurts. It hurts to know I can do nothing. I wanted to grab her and run. I finally spoke and wondered if she knew me. I touched her hand, no bigger itself than my thumbnail. Her feet, shorter than my pinky. Her head (covered in light brown curly hair by the way), as big as the palm of my hand. Breathe. On the way home I realize that this is life. I must step into it and live it. Ready or not, here it is.

Oh, Avary had to be put on an oscillator/ventilator… the nurses say she’s a feisty little fighter….. another one?! No, she needs to be. Praise God for her attitude!

We had ‘Christmas’ w/ my mom, her husband, my sister and my niece tonight. That was nice. I had a massive headache towards the end of the day though…… probably stress. I’m not even sure I’m feeling that everything is real yet. And I don’t even want to think about tomorrow… my mom and her clan leaves. Please God, I ask again, let this be a dream.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

I awoke today w/ a headache that was horrible enough to keep me vomiting and in bed. Stress. I hate today. My mom leaves. I won’t make it without her here. Avary has a bubble of air or fluid on her lung. They’ve inserted a chest tube to drain it. As soon as they inserted it, the bubble was gone. Thank you Lord! They’ve also put her on pain meds, mainly b/c she’s trying too hard to do everything on her own and they need her to rest. Silly girl. Wish I could see her again.

My mom left. They’re gone. What on earth will we do? We’re over an hour away from Avary. Our kids will be dragged here and there and what about meals and EVERYTHING??? I’ve been in bed all day crying, which is probably why this headache is still here. I can’t even think. I want to be w/ Avary, but I can barely open my eyes right now. Please God, take this headache away. I’m useless to anyone right now.


Friday, December 21, 2007

Well, yet another day that I can’t see the child that is alone right now. I awoke this morning sick again from the headache. Went to the doctor, was taken immediately to the hospital for surgery……… yep, surgery! Come to find out, I had spinal fluid leaking, caused from the spinal block for my c-section on Monday. They had to do a C-Patch, where they find the leak, take blood from my arm, use it to block the leak….. as soon as they patched the leak, the headache was GONE! It was amazing! Praise God that He took care of that. But, I have to lie on my back for 24 hours now. Nice. No one is here to help w/ the kids, Avary’s lying in the hospital alone.

Derrick has been to see her daily. I think I’m jealous. Money is getting tight. How on earth will we afford daily trips to St. Louis, eating out, gas, etc. etc.??? This is not good. God, please provide the money that we need to do this. I want to see my baby! Poor Jax does not understand why mommy can’t hold him, why I have to lay down all day. Poor Chloe; she is worried about Avary, worried about mommy… there are too many tears right now. Too many worries. Life has to get easier, right? Things will get better right??? I’m realizing this is not a dream. This is reality. We’ve got to get up and do this. How? I’m not sure. Well, I am. God. He’s my Rock. He’s my Fortress. He’s my Shelter. I can cry to Him. I can shout to Him. And He’s there. He’s always there.

Avary is well today, not too many changes. “She’s a fighter”, we keep hearing from the nurses. OH, the nurses……… have I mentioned how amazing they are??? When I called earlier to check on Avary, I broke down, telling the nurse I wish I could be there and asking her not to think badly of me as a mother, and when Derrick came home from visiting, he brought a card that Avary’s nurse had made me w/ a picture of Avary and her footprints, saying, “I love you mommy, Love Avary”……… too sweet! Thank you, Jesus for Avary’s nurses.


Saturday, December 22, 2007

YAY! We went to see Avary today!!!! Only my second time to see my sweet baby girl. We took the kids of course, thank goodness for the awesome sibling playrooms in the hospital… Chloe and Jax had a BLAST! And I got to spend some time w/ Avary. She’s amazing. She’s beautiful! She’s mine. And yet, she doesn’t feel like mine. Does she know she has a mommy??

She’s doing well under the circumstances... “she’s feisty” is about all we hear from the nurses. She’s lost a bit of weight of course, down to 2lbs,2oz., but that’s normal.

Derrick’s mom and dad came up tonight and brought the kids’ Christmas gifts. We had a really nice time, it was just too short. It just seems unfair that Avary can’t be here. She’s laying up there, covered in tubes and fighting, and here we are opening gifts and it’s just unfair. Everyone says she doesn’t know, and I know that, but I know, and since I know I feel like she knows. Did that make sense?! Anyways, it’s hard to sleep thinking about it.


Sunday, December 23, 2007

We went to church today; it was nice to have a bit of normal today. Although it was weird. Lots of questions from many people, but also lots of uplifting stories of preemies they’ve known, etc. And of course it was the Christmas service, so it was very nice. The kids were glad to be back to a bit of normal also; they love the church, which is awesome 
I GOT TO HOLD AVARY TODAY!!!!!! It was amazing. It was scary. It was surreal. But it was cloud nine. Finally. She is tinier than she looks. Her bottom fits in the palm of my hand. She’s got LONG fingers and toes (gets that from me!). The nurses are always saying that she’s always moving, kicking, grabbing, etc. The whole 20 minutes that she was laying against my chest, she never moved an inch. I wondered if she recognized my heart beat, my voice….. they say she does. I hope so. Oh man, she’s just solos tiny; it’s unreal. I mean, she’s 2 pounds…….. insane, right?! Anyways, feeling her against me was amazing. I think for both of us. Hopefully. It’s harder to leave her now that I’ve held her. I wanted to run w/ her. My Grandpa said, when I told him about how still she was during our first bonding experience, that she was still b/c she was ‘Home’. I like that. I wish she could feel that more often. Poor sweet thing.

The kids are a bit uncomfortable around her still. They picked out a stocking for her to keep at the hospital, and Chloe and I hope to find some fleece to make a few blankets for Avary for Christmas. We can put our own blankness in her ‘bed’, so we thought it would be nice to make some. Chloe’s excited  When we pulled up to the hospital today, Jax said, “This Ivy’s home?” UGH. Heartbreaker. Yeah, I guess this is her home, for now…. makes me want to throw up to say that.


Monday, December 24, 2007

*sigh* It’s Christmas Eve. We went to the hospital early in the day. Avary is well, still being weaned a bit each day on the ventilator, she began getting my milk through a feeding tube last night and is stomaching it well. Thank you Jesus! I got to hold her a whole HOUR today!! We both fell asleep. It’s so relaxing to hold your baby close to your skin… it just feels so right, you know? I can remember falling asleep all the time while holding Jax and Chloe as babies… it’s almost therapeutic. But, I had to hand her over once again. By the way, she’s one week old today  One week old and should be 30 weeks gestation. Unreal.

Tonight was torture. We opened gifts and it just seemed unfair and wrong and weird. I thought of Avary the whole time. I tried to hold it together for the kiddos, but I was a wreck. Every little thing made me break down all day today. She should be here w/ us. My poor baby girl. Praise God she won’t remember any of this. We are so blessed though. We have our health, our home, we have family, although we’re all spread apart tonight, which stinks, we do have one another. And, we still have God to thank for sending His Son to save us. We watched The Nativity tonight; I love that movie. Think of Mary, how scared she must have been. And then to think of what she went through in watching her son go through torture and crucifixion. And I think I’ve got it bad. It’s selfishness partially. I want my baby to be w/ me. But mostly I just feel so badly for her. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy and okay. Please God, help me to count my blessings in all of this. Please be with Avary and keep your wings of protection upon her; from the top of her tiny head to the tips of her skinny little toes… thank you Lord for your Son, for this celebration of His birth, and forgive me for not putting that first tonight. I love you, Father, and I thank you for strength… I need a bit more please.


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas. I wish there were an exclamation on the end of that. I’m sorry. Christmas has been okay. I want to be in Oklahoma w/ family. I want Avary to be with us, or rather yet, still growing inside of me. I want things to be normal. What is normal? I’ve no idea now. Don’t think I will for some time. Forgive me, Father God, b/c I actually said to myself last night, “Merry Stinking Christmas”… how awful of me. I’m so sorry. But it’s what I felt at the time. Santa brought the kids exactly what they wanted (imagine that) and I felt bad that we had to drag them out to the hospital yet again. They are tired. We are tired. This too shall pass. I hope and pray.

Praise God my mom is coming tomorrow for a few days. The kids can stay home and hopefully Derrick and I can get some more time in w/ Avary. We’ve tried to make this Christmas as good as possible for the kids. We should be w/ family; Chloe knows the difference. I feel terrible for them, especially for her. I had a talk w/ her tonight about how much I love her and how sorry I am that life is upside-down right now. She made me the cutest picture, w/ two band-aids on it. She said she didn’t know how to spell ‘Get well’, but that she was thinking it while she colored it, ha! So sweet! She said she hopes I can quit crying soon and that my cut will heal soon so I can laugh again… the last few days she’s been putting on shows for me while I pump (gotta have some entertainment for 20 minutes every three hours, HA), and they make me laugh so hard, but it hurts sooo badly to laugh. She’s a sweetheart. She’s colored many cards for Avary’s room as well, and is such an awesome big sister to Jax. I couldn’t ask for better  Jax got drums for Christmas… yeah, nice. Glad my headache’s gone, ha!

I finally made a big meal tonight when we got home. I felt since it was Christmas and I hadn’t in a week, it would be nice. It was nice to sit at our table and have a real meal, but it didn’t feel normal. Nothing will until we get our baby home. I feel… empty. Empty. That’s it. I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, and yet I don’t have a baby in my arms. Something’s wrong w/ that picture. I yearn for a day w/ no tears. We met a couple whose daughter was born 11 weeks early and is now 5 ½ weeks old… Lisa is her name and she has become a rock to me. It’s nice to hear her tell me that all of this will pass, that things will get better, and the days will get easier… I pray so.

Avary was not feeling the greatest today, she’s had some gaggy issues and they may back off of the milk a bit. She’s been getting 1 ml every three hours, but they may cut back. We’ll see. I cried the whole time I held her today; it hurt so badly to know she didn’t feel well, on top of already having so many issues. My poor sweet girl. Derrick held her today! He was a bit nervous, plus she spit up and it made him really uncomfortable. I’m glad he held her though. She really looks tiny in his arms! We didn’t stay long; the kids were antsy today, understandably so. It hurts so badly to leave her. So badly. Please God, let this become easier. PLEASE. I don’t know that I have the strength to do this for several weeks. Avary has her first brain scan Thursday and I’m a nervous wreck. I know God is taking care of her. I know He has a plan. I’m still nervous. God give me strength. God give me strength. Thank you, Lord for strength. I need you now, Lord. Be with me now. I feel as though I’ve stepped out of my life and am living in someone else’s. But it’s mine. It’s our new life, we must live it. Day to day, mind you, but we must live it. We are blessed, and this will all pass. I just pray for time to pass quickly; not that I’m praying our lives away, but you know.

The hospital just called and Avary got her ventilator off, PRAISE GOD! She’s now on a C-Pap (I think that’s what it’s called), which basically will just help her to breathe if she forgets to. Great news! She also digested her last feeding, which is great. Thank you, Jesus for this news tonight. Although I want her here w/ me, I’m thankful that her condition is well. Praise God. Merry Christmas!

BOO!

Okay, no one pass out, please. I know, I know..... it's been what? A year or so since I've posted?? Ha, not really of course since I've only been a blogger for a few months, but it seems like it's been awhile since my last blog. I apologize. I have some good excuses, actually just one.... my computer has been out of commission, but it is back in business! Woohooooo! I've been able to QUICKLY check email through my computer at work, but there's not time there to even email anyone back hardly :( Sooooooooooooo, please accept my apologies and I hope to be back in the swing of blogging often :)


Okay, I'm not even sure where to start w/ an update; so much has gone on since I've last blogged! Chloe started kindergarten (waaah), I started my new job....... the list is loooooooooong, let me tell ya!


Chloe........ I'll post some first day pics soon.......... let me just say she looked adorable! She did better than expected on her first day. There were tears........ mostly from Derrick and I....... but not in front of her of course! She seemed very serious all morning, and then when she sat in her seat, the tears started flowing :( She just sat there, w/ a very serious stare, w/ tears flowing down her cheeks :( Walking out of that classroom was the hardest thing so far I've done as a parent! I don't think I'm kidding! Whew. I had a dr. appt. that day, so Derrick and I spent the day doing that and every 10 minutes or so, one of us would say, "What do you think Chloe's doing?"..... and the waterworks would start back up again, HAAAAAAA! We are such dorks! Anyways, she's cool w/ school now; for the first couple of weeks, she didn't like it b/c it was 'boring'. Sorry kiddo, you've got 12 years of boredom ahead if you think KINDERGARTEN is boring! I kid you not, she said her fave part of the day was lunch and naptime, HAAAAAAA! Well, actually when she mentioned naptime being her fave part, we decided we'd better send her to bed an hour earlier than her set bedtime, ha! And yes, she raves about the goulash...... wow...... what a kid! I could be spending alot less time on dinner if I'd known that earlier! Hehe!

Jax is doing great as well........ let's just say, he's almost 2! He's a little sweetheart though; he's my cuddler and such a mama's boy...... gotta love it! He's talking soooooooo much now; it's amazing how quickly that takes place! His words are so adorable, and he loves to be protective of his big sissy! It's so cracks me up how they can be going back and forth arguing, but the minute I get onto one of them, the other is quick to stand up for their sibling! I love it!

The pregnancy is going well, still a few problems, but the doctor thinks that everything will be okay. I know it will. We will hopefully find out next week what we're having! Can't wait!!!! I would love to have a bit more energy; my new job is demanding and I have zero energy left at the end of the day, but life goes on :)

Well, I need to get off of here for now, I have sooooooooooo many blogs written down that I need to get busy on! I'll try to get to them quickly :)

Love and miss all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be still my heart!

Well, let the motherly pride continue from yesterday.........

Yesterday evening on the way home Chloe asked me to listen to my Selah cd, b/c she loves the African music they play on a few of the songs. By the way, for those who don't know, Chloe has long had an obsession with other countries; we had a Chinese birthday party last year, she's constantly asking to go to Africa, China, all sorts of various places around the world. She has, for more than a year, asked questions daily about the lives of people in these countries, where they live, what they wear, etc. ANYWAYS, so we're listening to the cd and she says, "Hey mom, wanna know what I'm going to be when I grow up? A Missionary!"

*TEARS*!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's my girl! What is so funny is that when she started this obsession, Derrick and I began to really pray for her future, for God to mold her into what He has planned for her, and it's always been in our minds that she may be a missionary one day, just b/c of her interests.

Would that not be awesome?! Derrick and I tease that b/c Chloe is so animated and dramatic that she'll probably develop her own really cool way of spreading the Gospel and reach kids in a way that no one else could!

I think our kids' futures are definitely a Prayer Priority. God has such an awesome plan in store for each of them, and we must pray that they continue on His path so that each plan will one day be fulfilled!

Love you all!

*sniff, sniff*

My baby's growing up...... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah :( Okay, so I'm dealing w/ a bit of sadness about my baby girl growing up on me so quickly. Well, I hate to say sadness, b/c it's exciting to see who she's becoming, but in a way, it is sad. First of all, she turns 6 next week. SIX. SIX YEARS OLD! That's impossible, right?! I mean, it WAS just yesterday that my screams could be heard throughout an entire hospital before giving birth to an 8lb., 4oz. princess. I know it was yesterday. Crazy.

If you know Chloe, you know that these six years have not gone by boring! She's sensitive yet strong. She has the most vivid imagination that I have ever seen. She's dramatic...... and that's an understatement. She's 5 going on 15. Or 25. She scares me with her wit! It should be an interesting life. I can say that Chloe makes each day new and exciting and...... like I said, NOT boring! I wouldn't want her any other way. (well, ask me later, ha, just kidding!)

Secondly, she starts KINDERGARTEN in TWO WEEKS........... nooooooooooooooooooooooo! I'm really stressing about this one. She's ready of course, already knows what type of outfit she needs me to buy for her to wear on the first day, has asked me to bake cupcakes for her class for the first day (ha), has been practicing her letters and such. She's so ready. Me? HA! It literally makes me stomach turn to think about it :( It's SCHOOL. School. Not a playdate. School. Eww, that word! This has been a top prayer priority for some time for me. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous about it. I keep thinking dumb things like, "What if someone says something mean to her?", or, "What if she's wearing an outfit that is difficult to button and she's worried about coming out of the bathroom?"...... why?! I need to surrender all of these silly worries to God and let them go, but it's sooooo hard! She's my BABY!!!!!!

Have you ever watched your child do or say something and it seems as though you're watching them in a dream, your vision is all glazed over and it feels surreal that this is your baby?? Let me explain........ Chloe attended a Vacation Bible School last week at a local church and last night was the 'program'. Well, all week I'd been asking her to sing me the songs she was learning and she'd refuse, telling me it was all a surprise for the program. Okay, that's not unlike Chloe to make everything dramatic, we already know that, right? So her class sings a couple of cute little songs and then the lady in charge of music took the microphone and said that she was so proud of the kindergarten class b/c they had to learn something very difficult along w/ the second grade class. So the second grade class joins Chloe's class and they start this touching song, and all the kids begin doing sign language to this song! (for those of you that don't know, sign language is something very dear to me; I took classes in college and love to sign to songs for church, etc.) So you can imagine how that touched me! I was in tears! And Chloe did SO WELL! I was sitting there thinking, "Oh my goodness, God has given this girl a natural talent for this!" Her hands just flowed gracefully and it appeared to come soooooo naturally to her. And she's so little, it just sent chills down me! It just seemed to be a sort of wake up call: That is my daughter. She's growing up. She's talented. She's smart. She's beautiful. And she's mine. That IS my baby. She'll always be my 'baby'. But I have to also let her grow into what God has planned for her. It's time to start letting go just a bit. Not too much! But I have to trust and pray that God will handle it; He knows best, and I know that.

Okay, now that I've washed my face in tears, I'll end this blog. I pray strength for all the mommies today :)

Almost forgot!

Remember in the post before last, I mentioned something else that I wanted to share? Well, I forgot, imagine that, ha! I've been meaning to post about this for some time but w/ all that's been going on, I haven't.

I got a new job!!! I applied for a job at Vo-Tech in a town near us, which is a vocational trade school. I applied in the Culinary Dept. and was taking a big chance even applying, b/c I have no culinary qualifications other than having decorated cakes from home for the last five years. Well, I got the job! I will be the Culinary Arts Instructor's Assistant (can you say mouthful?!), and after one year on the job, I can take my certification exam and be hired on as an instructor, possibly there, since the instructor plans to retire after this year. It is a state job, so my benefits are awesome, PLUS, I will get all of the school breaks off-- Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, summer break....... this THRILLS me since Chloe is starting kindergarten next month!!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooo excited about this position! I have wanted to attend culinary school for years, and this is basically working while gaining my instruction, which is even better ;) If I have to work, I think this is an ideal situation since I will get the same breaks that Chloe will have, so I can be home w/ my kiddos during those times! COOL!

Also, say a little prayer for Derrick; he will soon be taking his teaching certification exam ( I know, it's late in the summer for this, but we just found out that he had enough education courses back in college that he can actually become certified if he passes the exams!) He is of course still praying for a full time ministry position, but until that happens, he would love to teach science (he initially went to college for this and changed majors near the end!).

Anyways, just wanted to let everyone know! My first day on the new job is Aug. 1st :) Bye Bye pharmacy, wahoooooooo! Just teasing, this has been a great job as well, and I have an awesome boss here, but the new job is one of my dreams, so I'm very excited!

Brace Yourself......

Okay, so when life takes you on an emotional roller coaster, buckle up tightly, b/c it's a crazy ride. Our roller coaster has gone from 60 mph to 120 mph in a matter of hours. First of all, let me say, when God says to praise Him in the storm, PRAISE HIM IN THE STORM. Praise Him, regardless of what life throws your way, PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE HIM. Let me tell you why :)

Okay, so if you're reading this and have not yet read the blog entitled 'He gives and He takes away', read that BEFORE reading this.

Now that you've read the other blog, brace yourself! So we knew that the baby had no heartbeat, we knew that if my body did not do it's job, then I was going to have a D & C on the 25th, and we also knew, from my ultrasound last Wed., that there was a mystery sack of fluid in my uterus that the dr. kind of shrugged off and said he'd keep an eye on. Well, Saturday night I ran fever all night and even through Sunday morning did not feel well; I was very nauseated, but got up and went to church. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot at church, I started vomiting. I told Derrick to go ahead and take the kids to class and go to the sanctuary himself, and that if I needed to go home I'd send someone to get him. So I stayed in the foyer, close to the bathroom b/c I had gotten sick three times in about half an hour since we'd been there. I had just come out of the bathroom and sat down in a chair and a lady whom we work w/ in youth came out of the sanctuary and asked if I was okay. I told her I just didn't feel well and she kept asking what was going on. (we hadn't told anyone from the church about all of our issues yet, we had just requested prayer from the pastor for an unspoken need). So I began to cry and told her about everything, from the beginning, and she grabbed my arm and said, "Come w/ me, we are going to pray", so we walk to the front of the sanctuary and tons of people begin to gather around, almost like they knew, without knowing, you know?! Well, w/ lots of hands upon me the prayers lasted almost 20 minutes I think and during this time, the pastors wife came up to me (again, no one knew anything about what had happened), she put her hands around my stomach, and she said, "Father, I pray the blood of your Son, Jesus Christ upon this fetus; God, it is in your hands and we know that you have a will, take care of this fetus, Lord, take care of Crystal's body.......... " Later, I accused Derrick of telling someone but he had no either, it was a GOD THING that she knew that I was even carrying a fetus in me!

Well, I thought that maybe I should call my doctor Monday morning (yesterday) to let them know about the fever and the fact that I felt horribly nauseated and just plain not good. So, they told me that they needed to see me immediately, and also that in studying the ultrasound from Wed., the doctor saw that there were actually two sacks w/ two different fetus'....... WHAT?!?! So we head up there all bumfuzzled (is that a word?!). I tell the dr. about what has been going on, just a bit of spotting here and there, back pain, a bit of cramping, nothing major, plus the not feel well, vomiting, fever, etc. So all of a sudden, he says, "Come w/ me", and takes me into another room for yet another ultrasound. Great. So I have my eyes closed b/c I'm just so ready for all of this to be over with, and all of a sudden, the PA says, "Ummmm, I see a baby...... moving..... with a heartbeat....... a STRONG heartbeat!" WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!!!!!!!!!! So as I try to move my tongue from my throat, I utter out, "What?!", and I grab Derrick's arm and the PA is just shaking her head in disbelief. As she walks out, she says, "Oh, I am getting ready to BLOW your doctor's mind!" Oh my. Derrick and I are literally shaking and our minds are spinning...... we wait, and wait, and wait for the dr. to come back in. His words, "Wow; I have some crazy, awesome news, and some scary news." He has NO EXPLANATION of why or how the baby that just FIVE DAYS AGO had no heartbeat, and had quit growing three weeks ago, NOW, has a heartbeat and is EXACTLY WHERE IT SHOULD BE IN SIZE.............. ha, no explanation.......... I can't explain it either but I KNOW MY GOD CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, here's the run down on the 'scary news' as he put it...........

There were twins. (mind-blowing in itself) Two sacks, two fetus'. The one that didn't make it had some type of blood vessel or something burst in the sack, and the sack is now double the size that it was 5 days ago, and full of blood. He said that as quickly as it's growing, it could overtake the uterus and basically suffocate the other baby, or could burst and cause a bad infection for the living baby, so we are kind of on eggshells right now. He said there's nothing they can do to stop it from growing, nor to assist in draining out the blood at this time, b/c it's too risky. Basically, what's going to happen will happen regardless. So we go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to check on miracle baby, and to see the progress of the sack of blood. He said if miracle baby is okay, and the sack is still there, then we'd have to go from there to see what to do. He said it would be very risky to do anything for awhile, so basically just PRAY!!!!!

I cannot even explain to you how quickly my mind is spinning right now. Talk about a roller coaster, huh?! I don't even know what to say except NEVER underestimate the POWER OF GOD!!!!!!!!! Please continue to pray for us and for this little baby that is struggling to hang on :) If you've never heard the song "Praise You in the Storm" by Mercy Me, GO LISTEN TO IT!!!! That song gave me sooooooooooo much comfort the last couple of weeks, and my goodness, imagine if we'd not continued to praise HIM in this storm, if we'd questioned why He was letting this happen........... wow!

Dear God, thank you for your tremendous blessings. Thank you for our mountain days, our valley days, AND our canyon days, Lord. Help us to continue to reach out for your hand, b/c you know SO MUCH BETTER than we do what You want for us. Please wrap your wings of protection around this baby, Lord; have your will with it's life, however long that may be. Lord, thank you for taking care of the baby that did not make it; you knew what was best for it's life as well, and I know that he/she is in your presence right now, in a much better presence than I could have ever given. I ask Lord that you take care of my body in all that is going on. Help us to give it ALL to you, Lord. Every bit of it. Thank you for holding my hand, for not letting me go insane over the last couple of weeks. Thank you for comforting me, for giving me a peace that passeth all understanding. Lord, thank you for Michelle finding me in the foyer at church and for all of those that laid hands upon me in Your name. You are awesome God! Thank you for my children and my husband; may this bring us closer together in You, Lord. I love you and praise you above all. Amen.

He gives and He takes away

You know how when your children are young (or not), and they become sad or hurt, and they just want to climb into your lap and be cuddled, held, babied, and feel secure? Well, for the last week and a half I have wanted to climb into my Heavenly Father's lap, suck my thumb, and sit in peace while He comforts my hurts, makes my boo-boos all better. God's good at that.......... what isn't He good at?!?!

I battled back and forth about whether or not to even tell anyone about this particular 'boo-boo' on my heart, but I believe that God wants us to praise Him in every storm and use our storms to benefit others in need. So maybe God wants to use this, and can't unless I voice it.

Derrick and I found out almost three weeks ago that we were expecting baby #3. Shocker....... seriously, we were majorly....... in shock. I could not get my mind wrapped around having another baby of our own. My body does not agree w/ pregnancy, I was not even supposed to be able to have anymore children after Chloe, and God blessed us w/ Jax, and after that we've been saving for Derrick to get 'fixed' (ha) so as to prevent my body from any more pregnancy stress. On top of that, we've been slowly getting into adoption, so we were just......... well, shocked, ha!

Fast forward to now (I'm going to make a VERY long story short, well, somewhat!)........... after over a week of lots of pain, tears, 3 ultrasounds, lots of bloodwork, and blah, we finally found out yesterday for sure that the baby no longer has a heartbeat. The doc's went back and forth deciding whether or not everything was okay, and after a very long week and a half of being on a majorly stressful emotional roller coaster, we finally know for sure and can now begin to get on w/ things. I guess it was really to be expected, since when we got pregnant w/ Jax, the doctor warned us of that happening b/c of all the scar tissue that is built up on the walls of my uterus from my 'female' problems. (for those of you who don't know, a couple of years after I had Chloe I had a lot of problems and after a couple of years of problems, the doc scheduled a hysterectomy, I cancelled it the week before, was prayed for at church for the zillionth time, and three months later, my problems had stopped and I was pregnant w/ Jax! The doc warned us though that I had so much scar tissue built up that the placenta probably wouldn't attach to the uterine wall correctly, but God prevailed and Jax is perfectly healthy!) The problem now is that my body is not ridding of everything on its own, so the doctor is giving me another couple of weeks to do so, and if not then I will have a D&C on July 25th. According to ultrasound, the baby quit growing at 6 weeks, which means the heartbeat has already been stopped for almost three weeks (basically around the time I found out I was pregnant), so my body should've already done it's job, but hopefully it will before the 25th.

God knows best, and I do not doubt that for one second. I will praise Him in this, and many other storms in life I'm sure! We will one day be stronger b/c of this situation. It's funny how you say you don't want more kids, and then get excited when you find out you are, only to find out you're not....... life. And, I shouldn't say we didn't want more kids; if my body agreed w/ pregnancy, I would love to have more kiddos. But I have horrible pregnancies (16, count it-16- weeks of bedrest w/ Chloe.... ick!) Thus, our reason for looking into adoption...... well, that and the fact that we feel led towards adoption ;) Soooooooooo, the plan is that when my new insurance kicks in, I will be getting my tubes tied (doctor ordered). I am okay w/ that now. It's not fair to my kiddos for thier mommy to be in bed for months or to have miscarriage after miscarriage all for the sake of having another one of our 'own' children. We are content with our decision and we know that God will bless us either way :)

There is a song by......... oh wow, I'm totally at blank right now....... anyways, it's called Blessed Be The Name....... part of the chorus is, "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name"....... that sums it up I guess :) One of my favorite scriptures has always been Psalms 91:2 "... the Lord is my refuge and my fortress..."; I have definitely found solace in this!

So, I apologize for the lack of blogging lately....... as you can see life has had other things going. I hope all is well w/ all my beautiful friends........ I also have a praise blog, so I will try to get to that later......... love you all!!!!

Confessions of a Slacker Christian

(Title tweaked from "Confessions of a Slacker Mom", a blog I found titled from the book.... I thought it was fitting to replace the word 'Mom' with 'Christian' for this post)

So, life is weird. You think things are going well, God is moving, working, and then all of a sudden, you stumble across something, or in this case someone, who just amazes you with stories of their relationship with God, and you are frozen and think, "WAIT, I think I'm missing something." Yep, I am. I happened across a blogspot yesterday that smacked me straight in the face and I heard something like this.......

"Hellooooooooooo, remember me? I'm God. We used to be friends, remember? We used to have an intimate relationship. You used to love and adore me and yearn to spend time with me. I see you. And yet you are not reaching out for intimacy. I hear you crying for help. And yet I don't seem to hear many praises. I miss you. Remember me?" Love, God

It was then that I felt like hiding, until I remembered that God sees me everywhere, ha! No hiding from my Daddy! And that's good, really. So yeah, I'm sitting there, reading these amazing moments that this amazing person is experiencing with God, and ashamedly, I'm thinking, "Wait, I'M the PREACHER'S WIFE, where are MY moments with God?? Why hasn't He revealed Himself to ME like this? Why does SHE get all of these cool experiences with Him?" SMACK!!!! Again, I am hit in the face. "HELLOOOOOOOO, I AM RIGHT HERE.... IT IS GOD.... YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HASN'T REACHED OUT FOR THESE EXPERIENCES.... I'M HERE FOR THE TAKING!!!!!!!!!" Ooooops again. So it's all my fault. Where did I get off track???? Not too long ago, I was there, on the mountain w/ God. Wait, that was what, 12, 13 years ago.... teenage years. Before I got my first real job. Before I let other 'things' get in the way of my relationship with God. Before boyfriends (yes, I was almost 17 before a real boyfriend!). Before I decided I was bigger and had more 'important' things than spending quality time w/ God. Yeah, sadly, now that I think about it, it HAS been THAT long since I've been at the VERY top of the mountain. I'm so embarassed to admit this.

Sure, I've been close with God since then, but not THAT close. Of course I pray daily, but things in life have overtaken me. Marriage. Kids. Ministries. And now, jobs. Sad but true that doing WORKS for the Lord can actually take your time AWAY from God at the same time! I've been so caught up in doing and going for the ministries and for my family and whatnot, that I've forgotten to give total, undivided attention to numero uno.... GOD! I guess I thought all that I was 'doing' for Him would cover me. Nope! Guess I thought that since I appeared to be a perfect Christian on the outside, I'd be okay. Nope! Yeah, that's right, I don't even listen to secular music.... it's all KLOVE or AIR1 for me buddy........ did that cover me??? NOPE! Guess I forgot that the intimacy still mattered. Shame on me. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Right now, I'm so mad at myself!

You know what the irony is in all of this? The time that I thought I was far from God was when I was closer than I am now, when I've felt like I was okay. Actually not. I've known something was missing for awhile. Okay, I am not blaming this on having to go back to work (my therapist- God- would not like that, ha!), but I do have to say that when I was home w/ the kiddos, I would pray ALL DAY LONG! Pray for strength and patience, pray for God to help me through the mountains of laundry, thank God for the time w/ my kids, pray for my husband to have a safe day at work, pray for my children, pray for family, pray for those hurting that I saw on the news, pray for Rachel Ray to come to know the Lord (hey, I think we could be great friends!).......... I was constantly praying. But at that time, I felt like I spent no time w/ God. Now that I've gone back to work, AND started a new ministry, AND become involved with a new church......... there's NO time for ANYTHING!!!!!!!! I feel bad that I don't spend enough time w/ my kids, my husband, myself........... but I have spent practically ZERO time with the person that deserves it the most. Where do I think that awesome husband, beautiful children, and everything else I have been blessed with came from?!?!?!

When I started thinking about it last night, I realized that my last Mountain period was in my teen years. I've had Mountain experiences since then, for instance on Easter Sunday when my husband and I were both filled with the Baptism in the Holy Spirit, but then after that, I went back down..... WHY?!?! I can't explain it. Again, I'm using busyness as my crutch. I once saw an email that said 'busy' stood for Being Under Satan's Yolk, I believe it! Anyways, the last time I really LIVED on the Mountain was my teens years. Then I moved into the Valley. And just as I started reaching the top of the Mountain again (Easter time), I fell....... only this time not into the Valley...... into a Canyon. And it wasn't until I read Meredith's blogs last night that I realized I was actually there. In the Canyon. Ugh, it disgusts me. Ooooooh to be on that Mountain again!

"God, send me that rope, one more time, Lord...... I need it now. I can't apologize enough for my actions. I miss you and I need you. Daddy, here I am again. Please take me back; break me and make me what YOU want me to be. You are awesome Lord and I love you more than I could ever prove. I'm ready for you to consume me. Here I am again."

Thank you, Meredith, for letting me stumble across your blogspot, and thank you for being at a place with God that made me stop and evaluate my own relationship with our Heavenly Father. Thank you for being my newest friend and thank you for understanding my place in life right now.

Pray for me and forgive me for the Christian I have been.

Thank you, Lord!

Heavenly Father, thank you for guiding me to 'accidentally' find a new friend, my sister in Christ, Meredith. I know nothing that you do is accidental, and I think that is so awesome! I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that your Holy Spirit led me to Meredith's blog yesterday for a reason. She is just what I needed at this very moment in my life. She is such an inspiration already to me, Lord, and you knew that she would be! Forgive me, daddy, for straying so far from you lately; for putting my 'busyness' ahead of you. Even though the busyness has been works for you, I've still been letting it come between you and I. It's all been in vain, and I am embarassed and ashamed, and I am so sorry. I have let myself go from the Mountain, to the Valley, to the........ Canyon??? There's something wrong with that picture! Give me the strength to reach for YOU to pull me out of this canyon. Give me the strength to make the time for YOU again, Lord. I need that intimacy again. I want to fall back in love with you! Help me to realize that our relationship is not about what you can do for me, but rather what I can do for YOU!!!!!!!! I love you Lord. I'm ready to jump back into your arms and be in your presence. Thank you for your mercy and grace, shower them down Lord as I pray...... aaaaah, the beauty of Grace....... thank you Father! Amen.

Just for the record.....

...... regarding the photo of the kids and I on Mother's Day......... no, I do not have the world's most dorky looking sunglasses; my eyeglasses are transitions lenses...... it wouldn't have even crossed my mind until a girl at work passed my desk and said, "Nice shades!"...... grrrrrrrrr!

DRAMA of Epic Proportions

So, Chloe's first teeth-filling experience could easily be made into a horror film..... a mother's nightmare....... all around DRAMA. (wouldn't be my life w/out it, right?!) I really don't even know where to start. Well, I should first say that Chloe has never had issues w/ going to the dentist. She's had two cleanings in her little life and has done great at both. She was even excited about getting her teeth filled, believe it or not, ha! I tried to explain to her that it's not the best thing to be excited about, "Chloe, mommy is A LOT older than you are and I've never had a cavity; you're only almost 6 and you have two... that's really not good." I guess she inherited Derrick's teeth, along w/ my mom's :( Nice.

ANYWAYS, on to the DRAMA. So she was even excited about getting her fillings, walked all proud into the dentist office, cracking jokes with the dental assistant...... until........ the DRINK. They gave her what I'm now told is referred to as a 'cocktail' of meds; a drink w/ three different types of meds in it. She drank it fine. The assistant told us to go back into the waiting room and wait 45 minutes, the average amount of time it takes for the meds to kick in. So as we walk into the waiting room, I asked Chloe to come out to the car w/ me so I could make a quick phone call while we waited. Literally, we walk out to the car, I dial the phone number and am put on hold, and Chloe says, "Mommmmm........... I think I wet my pants".......... WHAT?!?! So I look at her and her eyes are all glazed over and she's totally out of it, and of course, wet. So I'm in total shock and I hang up the phone and tell her to come inside w/ me so she can finish going to the bathroom; not sure why it didn't dawn on me that if she was too out of it to realize she was wetting herself, she probably wouldn't be able to get out of the car easily, but it didn't. She falls over the seat and attempts to CRAWL out of the car; I finally held on to her and led to her to the bathroom. She did not want me to pull her shorts down, so she is standing in the corner and as soon as she reaches for her shorts, she falls in between the toilet and the wall, which I'm sure to the outer walls sounded like I was beating the child, b/c then she starts wailing (I would've too I think)..... now I'm holding her on the toilet and she is screaming in fury, and then when I pull her shorts up, she asks (in a very temperamental tone, mind you), "WHY are my shorts WET??" I explained to her what happened and that was a baaaaaaaaad idea...... she was then upset b/c I didn't have any extra clothes in the car for her and she didn't want everyone in the office to see that she'd wet herself. Aye aye aye! We finally get to the waiting room, where she is waving her hand in front of her face and looking around the room all...... all........ I don't know, googly-eyed, loopy........ I'm at a loss for words!

The whole ordeal is kind of starting to freak me out, and I was getting worried, since all of this had transpired in a total of only 10 minutes after her taking the meds. I asked the nurse if her actions were normal, and they were all laughing at how she was reaching for 'things' in the air and looking around all loopy....... it really upset me, and they finally said, "Well, really it just makes most kids relaxed and giggly, but you never know what it might do to someone, just like Benadryl has different effects on different people..." Okay, thanks for the awesome help, Nurse Whatever-Your-Name-Is. I'm sitting there very nervous, and after 30 minutes of everything from crying to her asking again why her shorts were wet, to her falling asleep, the nurse calls her name, and then it all breaks out. She starts yelling, "I will not go back there, you can't make me." Chloe is not a yeller for those of you that don't know; yes, she has attitude, and yes, when she sings there might be a few cracked glasses, but she is not a yeller.... never really had a temper either. Until now. She is furious. Yelling. Kicking. The whole nine yards. God help the poor children in the waiting room having to witness the whole event. I drag her to the room, where a nurse has to help me put her up onto the chair. I'm trying to calm her down... not working. I'm trying to HOLD her down...... not working. The fury is scary. Seriously.

Enter Dr. Jerk..... his first words to me, "You're in my spot", like I'm a dummy...... I nicely replied, "Oh, I know, I was just holding her down until you got here." His next words to me, "Why are you here?" Huh?! I thought he meant, why was I back there w/ Chloe, so I reply, nicely again, "Well, she's only five and I want to be back here with her." "No," he says (in a not-nice voice), "what is she doing here, what are we doing, why is she here, what's wrong with her, what's the purpose of this visit?????" Oh no he didn't. My nice voice is becoming more and more not so nice, "Welllllllll, I assumed that you, as the dentist, would know. She's having some teeth filled," and I glance at the nurse who seems to act like this is normal attitude for her boss. (Don't forget that Chloe is still screaming throughout this) So Dr. Jerk prepares his tools, and before he can start, he has to call another nurse in to help hold my daughter down. Two of us holding her down, Dr. Jerk and his assistant working. Chloe is screaming at the top of her lungs, is kicking, squirming, about to break out in some He-Man growl I'm sure, and all I can think is: Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here.... Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here......." No, I'm kidding, seriously I was just aching inside for my baby girl. So then fury breaks out in ME when I hear Dr. Jerk start making comments to Chloe like, "Can you hush? Why are you yelling? I wish you'd be quiet and tell me what's wrong instead of yelling. I don't want to hear you scream and I know my other patients don't want to hear you scream. Why don't you just stop yelling. Why don't you hold still?" Again, OH NO HE DIDN'T. The poor girl is just bawling her eyes out and b/c of her moving, the drill catches her lip, so now her lip is bleeding....... finally I say, "Is there any way we can just stop where we are?" "Nope, thankfully we're done," he replies. Yeah, that's right, you're done buddy. So when the nurse tells Chloe she can sit up, she's crying, "Mommy, MOM, MOMMMM, WHERE ARE YOU???" I kept telling her that I was right there, she is looking RIGHT at me, and does not know it's me. I kid you not. I finally saw her eyes focus and she realized that it was me, so she came to me, then pushes me away, hops off the chair, and lays on the floor. Yeah. "Chloe, babe, hop up so we can go, okay?" "GET AWAY FROM ME!" "Chloe, come on sweetie, you're all done.... let's go home and go to sleep." Her reply? "I AM NOT GOING HOME.......... I'M GOING SHOPPING!" Oh no we're not!!! Okay, maybe we are if it will calm her down, right? So that's what I tell her, we'll go shopping; she's screaming she needs to go to Target. You got it girl, let's go to Target. Not working quite like I thought it would. She was still furious. Trying to lie on the floor each step we take. I finally cannot get the girl up from the hallway floor. I'm trying to pick her up and she swinging arms, legs, pushing w/ all her might. "Dear God, make me a bird, ........." What really upsets me at this point is that there are four nurses sitting there watching me........ a little help here!!! Finally one nurse has mercy on us and offers to open the car door for me if I can carry her out there.... what a hand, thanks. I literally drag the child out to the car and fight her to get the seat belt on, shut the door, start to walk around the car..............

My driver side door opens and Chloe jumps out of it, and starts running, luckily the nurse catches her and so after five, did you get that, FIVE, attempts, I finally talk her into staying in her seat belt (after threatening to put her in Jax's car seat, who by the way, THANK GOODNESS was not with us!). Whew. We are in the car. On our way. I'm breathing hard. Very hard. And I think I might be crying. I'm not sure. Or laughing. Whatever. We're in the car. So I decide that I need a drink (that very large Coca-Cola as mentioned in my first post!), and go through McDonald's. Chloe tells me that she needs pancakes. Sure; I place our order and as I'm paying look over and the child has blue lipstick (for play only, which she had put into her purse) all over the bottom half of her face. (for the record, normally Chloe is very talented at her lipgloss) "Wow, that looks...... nice", I tell her, to which she shoots me a 'look'. No prob, onto the Coke! Chloe takes one look at her pancakes and says, "where are my biscuits and gravy???" I was so not about to tell her that she'd ordered pancakes, and only say, "Oh man, they must have forgotten them.... we'll stop at Braum's, okay?" That was fine w/ her. On to Braum's; as I set the bag down to pay, I specifically tell Chloe NOT to touch it until I can help her. Just as I'm reaching for my change, I hear a loud scream and look over to find hot gravy all over Chloe's lap.......... CAN IT GET ANY WORSE????????? She cries through the clean-up, and I do too. Enough already. Perfect timing for my husband to call and check on us, huh?! Let's just say that was a short phone call. Let's go home. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, WE'RE GOING TO TARGET, AND I NEED NEW SHORTS BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVEN'T CHANGED MINE AND THEY'RE STILL WET AND IT'S GROSS"........... okay, so I take a chance and decide to drive the extra 30 miles to Tulsa for a Target run. Thankfully, she falls asleep two minutes down the road and I can breathe. Aaaaah.

We make it to Target and my body tells me to turn around and drive home, since she IS sleeping, and I'm just not ready yet for another round. BUT, something tells me that if we get home and she has not been to Target, there will not only be another round, but THREE, ha! I hesitantly wake her up, and as I'm cringing in fear, she wakes up all chipper and asks, "Are we at Target yet?" "We sure are, sweetie!" And what happens next? My sweet girl asks, "Why are my pants wet? Oh yeah, I forgot...... can we get some shorts for me, Mommy?" "We sure can, sweetie!" And the rest of the day is smooth as silk. No joke. She is back to herself. A few times she said her jaw was sore (from Dr. Jerk trying to keep her mouth still). Once she asked why her lip was cut. And several times she said, "Mommy, please don't make me go to that dentist ever again; he was mean"..... to which I reply each time, "We sure won't, sweetie!" And all is well with the world once again. Well, it was after I bought her a new outfit, new shoes, a new bathing suit, and a cool new toothbrush, anyways ;)

Don't worry, I wrote a letter to the "pediatric dentist" and his staff........ NO I did not cuss them out, I'm a CHRISTIAN! I did however make certain that they understood how poorly their service and attitudes were towards my daughter, made certain they knew we would not be back, and would also be letting others know about their poor treatment..... just let my voice be heard. I also called to request exactly what the concoction was that was given to Chloe, gave the info to the pharmacist I work for, and made note of it in my wallet w/ her insurance card to ensure she is never to receive that again. I really should have looked further into it before authorizing it to be given to her, but I didn't. Horrible mother....... why didn't I??????? Ugh, it's makes me so sad to think about. THEN, I am reminded by my boss of a young boy that died a few years ago after taking a concoction from the dentist and then taking a pain killer and an antibiotic when he got home......... UGH, I felt way worse after that, thanks. Bad, bad mommy. I will never forgive myself, don't worry. She'll never have it again. I really think she would've been fine w/ some tylenol and maybe a numbing agent on her gums..... maybe??? Or maybe I should just start taking her to an oral surgeon and let them put her all the way out, ha! KIDDING!!!! All I know is that she was just fine when we got there; like I said, she was excited! Boy did it change!

ANYWAYS, that's our dental nightmare...... hope Chloe's teeth don't continue on this path b/c I'm not sure that I'll ever get her back into a dentist again. Lord, help us.

Happy Mother's Day!

A new love language??

Okay, so I think that Jax's love language must be none other than......... FOOD! We had a picnic after church on Sunday and Jax rammed his head into a pole, creating a HUGE knot on his poor little head. He was screaming and in tears, and when I took him into the kitchen area to get some ice, nothing would console him. The boy is crying hysterically and a lady walks over to him w/ a fried chicken leg; he reaches out his hand, puts it in his mouth, and the waterworks are over. End of ordeal, even let me put the ice on his head. Aaaaaaaaaaah, the love language of FOOD! That's my boy.

Also, his new 'phrase' I guess you could say is "Hewooo Woweee", which is translated in English to "Hello Chloe".......... too cute ;)

Wild West

Okay, so maybe I should not have chosen the cough medicine w/ sudafed in it last night for Chloe.... first of all, it didn't work, secondly, although it states 'alcohol free', Chloe was prettttttty loopy all evening, ha! We were watching the Love Comes Softly miniseries (christian Little House on the Prairie type of movies), and she was cracking us up w/ her comments. The only one that I can really remember is that she said, "When we ever move, please don't make us move to the wild west....... that food doesn't look so good and they don't have tv." Gotcha.

Spicyyyyyyyyyy!

Just a cute little Chloe-ism for you today; yesterday morning Chloe asked if she could use my toothpaste instead of her own and when she began to brush her teeth, she spit it out and said, "Whew! That toothpaste is spicy!" Tooooooo cute :) Have a great day!!!

Dear Grandma.....

Dear Grandma,

I have had you heavy on my mind for over a week now. I can't stop thinking of how much I miss you. Remember how, when you heard of Derrick's calling into the ministry, you started giving me advice on being a Preacher's wife and told me to call you anytime? Well, I want to call you now. I'm stressed, grandma. I need your advice, now more than ever. Derrick is such an awesome man of God and I love him more than he'll ever know. But I'm feeling left out, stuck in the shadows. With two young children, it's hard for me to do everything w/ the youth that he gets to. I feel like he's so much more connected to them than I am. I feel like I'm just 'Derrick's wife'. "There's Derrick! Oh, look how cute, the kids!" "Helloooooooo, here I am too! I can be fun too! I am a great listener!" They don't hear me grandma, and I feel they don't even notice me. It's hard. I love my kids to pieces, but staying home night after night while Derrick does Bible study and various things that we can't take the kids to...... it's getting frustrating. I could leave the kids w/ someone, but since I've had to go back to work, it seems like I rarely see them anyways, and it would just be so unfair to them. Derrick is doing an awesome work. And now we're starting this ministry in Gore...... we've prayed for this for so long, and God has blessed us sooooooooo much lately, but why am I feeling this way, grandma??? Will it pass? I don't want to have resentment towards our work for the Lord. How do I deal??? How did you??? I know you felt this way; you told me you did at times. You told me it would be hard, but I never ever thought you'd be gone when I actually needed the 'preacher's wives hug'. Is all of this just selfishness? Of course it is. I need to pray harder, I know this. Maybe it's not that I really need 'preacher's wife advice' from you now, maybe I just miss you so much that I'm looking for any reason to wish you were here. I smelled you the other day. I picked up a blanket off of the floor and smelled it, re-smelled it, and smelled it again. It was you. THAT smell. It wasn't even one of the items grandpa gave me after you passed; it was just a random blanket, but you were all over it. I sat on the bed, with the blanket pressed to my nose, closing my eyes, and just breathed your memories in. I don't think you knew how much I loved and appreciated you. I missed a call from you the night before you had your stroke. I'm sorry. And I haven't been to your grave yet either. Why? I don't know. I just don't know. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? Then why haven't I been there??? I used to go to Cory's. I used to wish I lived closer to Cory's grave so I could go more often. I'm sorry that I haven't been there. You were my role model, grandma. I always wanted to be a wife like you were, a mother like you were, a grandmother like you were. I think I'm failing at the wife and mother dream. You were so much stronger than I am. I would ask you to pray for me, for my strength as a wife and mother, if you were only a phone call away right now. Instead of wishing you were here to turn to for advice, I need to be praying harder, praying that God would teach me how to be the wife and mother and person that HE wants me to be, not who you were, right? Yep, that's what you would say! Yes, I'm getting somewhere! You left in your Bible scriptures that you wanted your children and grandchildren to know and remember, and I'm still working on highlighting those in my Bible. Thank you so much for that, grandma! I'll always look at those verses and know that you treasured them and held them close to your heart, and that you loved me enough to want me to know them and I will treasure them as well. You were awesome, grandma! Awesome! And I know you're having a BLAST in Heaven, praising God and dancing (yeah, I know you are!) and singing, probably playing an accordian.... I can see your big smile! I know you are in such bliss that these miniscule tribulations of mine seem so petty. I know that all I need to do is cling to the Word of God and trust in HIM to get me through these times, and I will one day be by your side praising our Lord!!!!! Can't wait, grandma! Thank you for loving me, and for loving my family. Thank you for leaving an amazing legacy, and thank you for being you, and for teaching me things I will never forget. Thank you for leading me to Christ, thank you for rejoicing anytime I was, and most of all, thank you for being a woman as described in Proverbs, and for leaving footsteps for me to follow in! I love and miss you grandma, but I also rejoice in your happiness and peace in Heaven! Writing this has helped me tremendously right now, and although you can't read it, maybe God can help me out a little ;) Love you so much!

Love,
Crystal Sunshine (you always called me that!)

The Days of Our Nine Lives

And Life With Chloe continues! First I must say, I dislike cats. Yes, that's right, for those of you that did not know, I am not a cat-lover. I'm not an animal lover per say. They're cute, and that's about all. Don't wanna touch, don't wanna sleep w/ them...... they're just not my thing. Never have been. Please do not call the animal rights group on me and say I'm an animal-hater, I never said hate, just am not a major animal person. My daughter on the other hand, loves animals. Loves them. Jax also. Great. So, Chloe always has to have a cat; however, since I happen to be allergic to cats (yes, I really am), we do not have them inside and so b/c of the fact that they must stay outside, they don't live for long periods of time. A year or so usually. So, we find ourselves often searching through the paper for a new friend for Miss Chloe. We've had Snow White, Cinderella, Hello Kitty, and the latest, Marsha (whom was initially named Dorothy but Chloe decided that she looked more like a Marsha after a few weeks). So, we've had Marsha since about a month before Jax was born, so a bit over a year and a half. Well, 4 weeks ago, Marsha had kittens. You might say that Marsha is the neighborhood...... hmmm..... well, you know. Anyways, four kittens are to show for her actions. All was well, UNTIL 4 days ago when Marsha went missing. Nice, now we have four kittens who must be fed by bottle. So, Derrick and Chloe were feeding the kittens last night and Chloe says, "Well, I think it's time to name these kids." To her personal delight, they are all female! Derrick and I both happen to say, at the very same time, "Here we go", ha! So she starts off with, "Makayla", and Derrick says, "Can we PLEASE give these kittens real animal names?" So she continues to think....... we now have Snowflake (who is all white), Tiger (who is gray w/ black stripes), Stripes (who is brown w/ black stripes), and, drumroll please................ Scaredy Cat (yes, we have to call her that; she is white w/ a gray tail and always wants to stay in the box, thus the name)........ boy do I feel sorry for Chloe's kids one day! Well, we had yet to say anything to her about the possibility of Marsha being d-e-a-d, and while she was feeding one of the kittens, she was talking to her, "Hey baby kitty. I'm so sorry we can't find your mommy; I guess she ran away....... or........ MOM, you don't think Marsha is dead do you????????" I had to tell her that she could be, but we weren't sure. So of course then she breaks out in tears. She said it was so unfair to the kitties, and then asked when we were going to get a new Mommy cat who could 'dopt them. After we explained to her that an older cat would probably not like the kittens, she was upset that no cat would want to 'dopt four poor kittens w/ no Mommy. So after a very lengthy process, she finally accepted that if she helps take good care of them for a few more weeks, they would be old enough to take care of themselves, b/c a cats age is different from that of a human. Whew, it was major! Don't think there wasn't also a very lengthy prayer for Marsha last night either!

So a bit later Chloe breaks out a craft kit that has crosses to decorate with fish symbols, etc. We were each making one and Derrick said that he was done, after having put nothing on his cross. Chloe replies, "Oh no you're not, you have to decorate it!" He told her he didn't really feel like doing crafts and she, out of the clear blue sky, replies, "Oh is that right? So, you don't care about 'dopted kids?" (all the while staring him down) He and I looked at each other in confusion as Chloe says, "So I guess you didn't know these were for kids who need to be 'dopted and have no parents. Well, I guess you don't care about Elicia then, right???? Fine, we'll do extra to make up for yours..... I hope you know that Jesus is probably crying right now too, Dad." WHOA! Take THAT Daddy, hehe!

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This morning Chloe tells me, "Last week at school, Mason asked me if I wanted to go out with him sometime, and I told him sure. Then, he asked Maria if she wanted to go out with him and she said 'whateva', and I told her that was rude, if a boy asks you out, you should go b/c it could be really fun." WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHLOE MORGAN!!!!!! A loooooooooooooooooong talk about boys, dating, age, and appropriate behavior around boys followed this one. *Dear Lord, please send us to a deserted village for mission work before Chloe becomes a teenager, or just start giving me extra strength now so I'll have enough built up to handle those days!*

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Okay, for those of you who don't know, when I was pregnant w/ Jax, Chloe wanted to name him Oliver. Derrick and I had finally thought about naming his middle name Oliver, until we decided on Canaan. Well, we couldn't bare to tell her that we'd chosen another name, and she was just four, so we thought we'd just not say anything and if she wanted to call him Oliver for awhile, that was fine. Well, anytime he has gotten into something, she says, "Jax Canaan Oliver........", so last night we were playing doctor, and she asked for 'my son's full name', and wanted me to spell it out. So I said, "J-A-X, Jax, C-A-N-A-A-N, Canaan, H-O-R-N----", "MA'AM! You forgot a part of your son's name.... Oliver!" GREAT! So Derrick says, "Chloe, that's not really part of his name, babe, it's just Jax Canaan". At this point, Chloe has had it w/ her daddy's attitude tonight (ha) and says to Jax, "Don't worry bubby, that IS part of your name, daddy just doesn't remember I guess, and sometimes he's kind of crazy".............. HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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Never, never a dull moment in life w/ CHLOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless her!

Sibling Love

Don't have much to say, other than I just think it is so adorably cute how Jax is looking up at Chloe w/ an adoration that only a brother could have!!! Be still my heart!

Are you The One?

2 Chronicles 16:9a, “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.”

WOW! When I read this verse this morning, I got chills! Just imagine the Lord scanning the earth, looking for that one person, that normal, 'no-one special' someone to carry out His next Plan. I know what you're thinking, "Wait, God doesn't want someone 'normal', someone 'not-so-special' to carry out HIS awesome plan.... He wants some famous, amazing, well-known, big, lofty, beautiful someone for that, right?!" Oh but we're so wrong! Was Mary famous for her enunciated, loudly spoken prayers??? Nope! Did she trot around with a "Honk if you love God" sticker on her donkey, or a "WWGD" bracelet (I replaced J w/ G because we're talking Mary, mother of Jesus here, people!)??? NOPE! Mary was a quiet girl, nothing 'special' (so to speak), but God has HIS eyes on HER; He knew her HEART.

I find it quite intriguing that God could care less about status. God looks not at our clothes, our status-quo, and no, not even our "Honk if you love Jesus" stickers (he does love a witness, but we have to live up to actually having that sticker or it means nothing to God!)........ God looks at our HEARTS! He can separate the Somebodies from the Nobodies in His eyes. He knows who desparately seeks Him, He knows who will carry out the purpose He has for them. Oh, He knows!

I just pray that I will take this scripture to heart always, pray that God would strengthen me to do whatever it is He has planned for me, remembering that God doesn't need the Me that likes to pray 'properly', the Me that wants others to see what I've done for God; He wants the Me that is fervently seeking Him, His plan, His Word, and the Me that will take what He has for me and use it with every ounce of my WHOLE self, only to bring Glory to HIM!!!!!

The next time you think you might be 'the next big thing' on American Idol, Dancing with the Stars (Chloe, listen sweetie!), or even Trinity Broadcasting Network, wonder more if you could be the next Mary, Noah, or David! God is watching each of us; where is your heart?!

Remember that we are ALL worthy in HIS SIGHT!!!!! Awesome, huh?! Love and prayers!

Chloe-isms

Praise the Lord for Chloe; my life would be so boring without her! Here are a few of this weeks Chloe-isms...........

We were watching Dancing w/ the Stars and she didn't like an outfit on one of the dancers, then that couple happened to get so-so scores on their performance, so Chloe says, "What a lizard".... HUH?! So Chloe explains to us that calling someone a 'loser' is not nice, so she's decided that she will be calling that person a 'lizard'. Well, we had to burst her bubble and tell her that calling someone names, regardless of the name she chooses, is not very nice either way. She simply said, "Okay." OK.

Also during Dancing w/ the Stars, Chloe decided she needs to be on the show when she 'grows up'. So she was telling us all about her outfit, what her 'guy' would wear (by the way, she said she will NOT let her 'guy' wear the same color shirt as her outfit, b/c that looks weird)...... so she's watching a dance and says, "Whoa, when I'm on this show, I will not be doing the flips over my guy....... you could break something doing that, like your back or a bone!" Guess I should quit saying, "Stop it or you'll break something"........ HA!

I went to get the milk out of the refridgerator and something fell out as I did; Derrick said, "Don't break it!", and Chloe responded, "DAD, do not tell my mom you're breaking up with her....... if you do, I will not even live with you, I'm moving w/ mom!"............ WHOA.......... where did that come from????? I didn't even know she knew anything about breaking up and divorce; then I remembered that a friend of hers from 'school' lives w/ her mom sometimes and her dad sometimes........... sad :(

Chloe: "Mom, am I allergic to wine"
Me: "HUH!?!?!"
Chloe: "Addie said that her mom told her she's allergic to wine. I told her that I wasn't; she said she's allergic to beer too but I told her that I like beer........ I told her that all I was allergic to was peanut butter."
Me: (after I pick myself up off of the floor) "Chloe, first of all, you're not allergic to peanut butter, you just don't like it. Secondly, the 'beer' that you like is ROOT beer, and there is a difference between root beer and beer........."
Chloe (interrupts): "So am I allergic to wine and beer too then???"
Me: "Wine and beer are drinks that are not good for..........."
Chloe (interrupts again): "So am I allergic to them or not?"
Me: "Yes, yes you are, Chloe." Sheesh.

After I picked the kids up from daycare on Tuesday, Chloe was very quiet. I asked her what was wrong and she says, "Mom, I need to ask you something."....... here we go.......... "Where were you today?" I told her I was at work, and she says, "Mom, I know you weren't"..... what? "Yes I was, what do you mean you know I wasn't at work?" "Mom, when Jayden got to daycare after school, she said she passed your work on the bus and your car wasn't there." The girl is keeping tabs on me now! So after I explained to her that I had let Aunt Misty borrow my car for the afternoon, she was fine...... the poor child was worried about it all afternoon! Silly girl!

This last Chloe-ism is actually one from some time ago (there are LOTS of those!), but my sister said something yesterday that reminded me of it and I wanted to post about it b/c it's so darn cute............... when Chloe used to think something was 'crazy' or 'outrageous', she'd say, "That's expensive!" Every single time! No clue on earth WHERE it came from, but that was her 'outrageous' word....... man I love that girl!

I guess that's it for now; I could write a book about Chloe....... hmmm, maybe I will, hehe! Chloe is nothing like I ever imagined any of my children to be, but I thank God for EXACTLY who she is, and I know that she is the way she is because God WANTS her to be that way; He has a plan for her life and He knows that she needs her personality for that purpose, so I praise Him for who HE MADE HER!

Love and prayers!

My Sweet Chloe :)

Oooooooh, there will be many posts about my dear Chloe! She is....... how do I put it...... well, she is very much her own person..... I can't think of a better way to sum it up....... she is strong-willed (thank you, Shauna for the Dr. Dobson book a few years ago, a God-send!), she is sweet, she is opinionated, she is spunky, she thinks she's 16, she is motherly, she is a momma's-girl (even though we are nothing alike and butt heads most of the time), she is smart (too smart)...... the list could go on and on! I will, from time to time I'm sure, be posting 'Chloe-isms', because the funniest things come out of her mouth, so get ready! But this post is about her sweet side, and in a way her prayer life!

The same day that my kids started at the daycare (2 mos ago), a 2-month old baby also started, Elicia. Chloe thought she was just the cutest thing ever, and a week later, somehow Chloe found out that Elicia was in foster care. So Chloe asked what that meant, and I explained to her that Elicia's mommy couldn't take care of her at that time, and so someone else is caring for her until either her mommy can, or until someone adopts her. Well, Chloe knows ALL ABOUT adoption b/c before I got pregnant w/ Jax, Derrick and I were beginning to look into adoption since I had been told we couldn't have any more children naturally. If you know Chloe, you know that she has an obsession w/ China, so her vote was to adopt a child from China. We had told her that God would take care of everything if it was in His will, and at that time, His will was to provide us w/ the miracle of having Jax. But even throughout my pregnancy w/ Jax, we still talked about adopting in the future.

SO, immediately, Chloe asked if we could adopt Elicia. I told her that she needed to pray about it, and boy did she! She prayed (and still does) for Elicia in EVERY prayer, "Dear God, please let Elicia be my sister", "Dear God, I know Elicia is supposed to be my sister, can we please 'dopt her?", "Dear God, thank you for our food and thank you for giving us Elicia, because I know you want to", "Dear God, I know I have a brother, but Elicia does not and she wants one too, so can Jax be her brother too?", "Dear God, I know I asked for a sister from China, and I want her too, but right now I want Elicia to be my sister"........ the prayers about Elicia are endless, and are usually enough to bring tears to mommy's eyes! Not only are there prayers, but she also has brought others into the mix :) Here are a few examples........

1) Chloe and I were drawing family pictures one evening after I put Jax to bed. When I presented mine to her, she promptly told me that "someone" was missing.... I went through the list, "Jasmine? (the dog), Marsha? (the cat), Nana? Mimi? Papa?".... "NO! ELICIA, MOM! How could you forget Elicia????"..... how dare I forget a child that is not, and may never be, my own???!!!! Forgive me, please! After Chloe refused to hang my picture until I added Elicia, I proceeded to draw a baby with a pink crayon and heard, "MOM, Elicia is black, well, she's not black, she's really brown but I heard someone ask you if you were talking about the 'little black baby', and you said yes, but she's brown, so you need to use a brown crayon to draw her..... but you can put a pink dress and bow on her if you want to." Okay Chloe.

2) Just after we first talked about Elicia, Chloe says to my mom, "Guess what, Nana? I'm getting a sister!" Of course, my mom looks at me like, "WHATTTTTTTTTTT???!!!!!!" When I give Chloe a questionable look, she says under her breath, "Elicia"....... oh boy........ you can imagine the explanation! This also happened with Derrick's parents as well :)

3) So then a few weeks ago, when I was picking up the kids from daycare, Chloe's teacher asked me if she could talk to me. She tells me that during circle time, they were discussing one another's families, and when the turn came to Chloe she said that she had five members in her family. The teacher stopped her and this was the conversation:

Teacher: "Are you sure? I think you have four in your family.... are you adding your cat?"
Chloe: "No, my sister."
Teacher: "Well, I didn't know you had a sister... how come she doesn't come to school here?"
Chloe: "She does!"
Teacher (who at this point thought Chloe maybe had an imaginary 'sister'): "Oh really? What is her name?"
Chloe: "Elicia, and she's in there with the babies!"
Teacher: "Ummmm, Elicia-Elicia??"
Chloe: "Yep; we're 'dopting her since she doesn't have a family."
Teacher: .................................... (no words here purposely; she was in shock)

4) Last week, Chloe told Derrick and I that she knew what she wanted for her birthday (not until August, but the girl plans early)....... "A bunkbed, the ones with the bottom bed bigger than the top one, so that when we get Elicia she can sleep with me, because I know that sisters like to sleep together." Okaaaaaaaay.


I could go on and on about instances in which Chloe has mentioned Elicia being ours, but these are the most prominent!

Just so you know, Derrick and I have looked into adopting Elicia. As of right now I am still getting the run-around on her adoption status and am on case-worker #3... unfortunately the state always tries to put children back w/ the parents, so there is no telling when and if she will actually be adoptable, but like I always tell Chloe, "If it's in God's Will, then He will make a way"!!!!

Anyways, just wanted to share my Chloe's sweet side........ especially since there will be many future posts showing her 'other' sides, HAAAAAAAAAAA! Love and prayers!

Stomach Bug???

Yep, I've got a stomach bug....... in the LITERAL sense..... evidentally I have a parasite or some type of protozoal bacteria infesting my intestines...... nice...... yeah, sounds like something that would happen to me, huh?! If it's weird, never heard of, or 'in the book', it's going to happen to me, yay :) Anyways, luckily I work for a pharmacist that is smarter than my primary care physician and so when I called the physician back and told what he'd tried wasn't working, I mentioned what my boss had told me, and he was like, "OH YEAH!"...... lovely...... so I think I've got what I need to get rid of this little guy and hopefully I'm on the road to recovery! My boss seems to think that I probably contracted it from lettuce or raw spinach, since I eat both of those regularly...... and YES, I DO wash my produce!!!! However, I don't think I will be eating from any salad bars for awhile :) He told me to get over my 'meat thing' and quit eating like a rabbit, HA! It's not that I'm a vegetarian b/c I think it's inhumane, it's my taste buds' fault; every since I was pregnant w/ Jax, they do not like meat *shudder*....... so I guess it's on to a Chicken-Noodle-Soup-Minus-the-Chicken-Diet, HA!

Aaaah, coffee break...........

Wait, I don't normally drink coffee unless it's a special day and I want to look cool by ordering something (usually the wrong thing by the way) at Starbucks.......... oh well, I've always wanted to be a 'coffee break' person, always wanted to be one of those moms that sat down to her 'breakfast table' (you know, the ones that are at the bay window overlooking your perfect garden in your beautiful kitchen, as opposed to only having one dining table (oh and also not having the bay window, garden, or beautiful kitchen).......... hmmm, where was I...... oh yeah, I always wanted to sit down w/ my coffee....... my kids would be perfectly behaving, playing/reading/practicing the violin........ clean house, laundry caught up, and my husband calling to see how his beautiful wife's glorious day was going............ WAKE UP!!!!!!!!

Instead, it usually looked like this: Jax hanging at my legs, toy in one hand and any type of food item in the other, Chloe begging me to get her violin out even though we have yet to find an instructor and mommy's ears can't handle the screech of the non-instructed strings, phone ringing (ANOTHER doctor's bill????), cat scratching at the door, I'm in the process of laundry, dishes, and two cakes that need to be done in an hour, and me wondering why I always say "I don't drink soda" even though at this very moment, I could use a very LARGE Coca-Cola, not the chocolatey coffee drink I order when I do order coffee....... aaaaaaaah yes, the chaos I loved to call my life........ but now, I miss that chaos; would give anything to hear my kids whining about the fact that I won't let them bring the pool inside and fill it w/ sand for them...... or whining about anything for that matter....... I'd give anything to be so stressed that I stand in front of the bathroom door for 30 seconds holding it w/ all my strength to keep the kids out so I could have half a minute of breathing time, ha! But I loved it! I woke up every morning for it.

BUT even that life has changed a bit.......... now I have fallen into a season of being a Working Mom....... something I told myself (and my husband!) I would never be. Who knew that decorating cakes from home, making and selling hair bows, watching other kids twice a week, and the various other jobs that I did would not produce enough of an income to keep me home?? What? ...... oh, you mean you have to charge customers in order to make money??? Oooops! So yes, life changes, things happen, and alas, I am back at work FOR THE TIME BEING!!!!!! (everyone understood that correctly, right?!) Believe it or not, it hurts my dear husband almost as much as it does me...... but God has an awesome plan for us and I know He will work all of this out in HIS time!

So I work at a pharmacy, get to listen to cranky customers who ABSOLUTELY NEED their pain meds, etc., and I get to call insurance companies all day and work on claims, and I get to stress about getting my 'drug' order in on time every evening and pray everything comes in correctly............... let me tell you, this job is great (I say this w/ a full-fledged-fake-smile). I also get to cry every morning that I drop my kids off at 'school' (I used to hate when I heard people call daycare that) and wish every minute of every hour that I'm sitting at this job that I could walk out, cross the street, get my kids, and head home, ha! Ooooooooh wait, I just broke a rule I promised my therapist (God) I would try to stop: griping about working....... okay, so now I have to list at least three positives about my going back to work: 1) $$$.... 2) going to the bathroom by myself.... 3) thanks to daycare (whoa, did I just say that?), Chloe is now ready for and excited about kindergarten... she used to freak out at the K-word, but now she is ready! .......... okay, that's out of the way.

So now that I just realized this post has become a novel (a boring one at that), I will QUICKLY tell you about what's going on w/ the rest of our lives............ Derrick resigned the youth pastor position at the little country church in January, and we now attend a church that we LOVE LOVE in Muskogee, and Derrick was just asked to be the assistant youth pastor (not a paying job yet, but we're working our way up!), the church is also going to pay for him to take the classes and be ordained through the Assemblies of God....... we are also in the process of starting an inter-denominational youth ministry here in Gore, Saturday nights, an on-fire youth service for this community of teens that NEED HELP BAD....... God is opening doors left and right for this........... and we are totally and completely excited and ecstatic about what God is doing in our lives right now. He has us exactly where HE wants us to be right now (yes, even my job), and for that I am thankful. Oh, and I'm also VERY thankful that I am taking next Friday off and going to Branson for the weekend w/ my family........ WAHOOOOOOO! Okay, so now that I've put all of you readers (if there are any) to sleep (you're welcome!), I will stop this post.......... did it make any sense??? Probably not, but do I ever make sense? If you know me, NO!

Have a good one......... oh, and get ready for some posts buddy, b/c sometimes, I have a lot of time to dawdle here at the ol' drugstore! Love and prayers!